MA NA MA NA - Do Do Do Do Do

What a weekend. Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day and tried not to Labor too much. We had a great time. Was still feeling pretty shitty on Friday night, so went to bed early. Woke up to a wonderfully cloudy day on Sat - then lots of rain and coolness - so we were all very lazy and watched tennis and cuddled on the couch. It was awesome. We had the house open all day and the wet, fresh air filled our home and hearts. It was lovely.

Sunday we went to church then I had the most AWESOME visit. My high school theater teacher and 2 girlfriends from high school (actually we go back to 1st grade together) came up to visit me. It was so wonderful to reconnect with these ladies, I can't even explain. My cancer has brought me many gifts, as ironic as that sounds, and this visit is clearly up there in the top ten. (hmmm, feeling the need to do a 'Top Ten Things I Like About Breast Cancer' - another post perhaps...) It is amazing, after 20 years of not seeing these ladies, it felt like we just saw each other yesterday. Like we picked up right where we left off. It was amazing. It was difficult to catch up with each of them in an afternoon, so my only gripe is we didn't get to spend MORE time together, but it was just so comforting to have them near me. We went to lunch then walked around downtown together, and it was just a beautiful day. I am so very blessed they took the time out of their busy lives as wives and mothers to come up and see me. I am truly blessed.

After they left, we went to a bbq that evening with some other friends of ours, and just had a wonderful day. As I reflected on my day yesterday evening, and thanked God for his many blessings, I have to say, there is much to be said about having your soul filled with just good people. It puts a little skip in your step, and an energy you just can't explain. What a gift that we have such wonderful people in our lives. As much as I hate being a cancer patient, I wouldn't trade this for anything because I realize my life is so full of wonderful, gracious, loving individuals - if I had to have cancer to experience this, then cancer I will have.

Speaking of the little 'c' - I've had some interactions recently that have left me, well, speechless - and that doesn't happen very often. I've been approached by 2 separate people, who came to me to apologize. They apologize for not believing that I would be healed, and that prayer would work. Then it did, and they are overjoyed, but full of guilt for not trusting God. I have many mixed emotions about this - I really have no idea how to respond. First of all, I'm still pinching myself that it is working, (remember, surgery is still needed to fix the primary cancer site), but also, I don't really feel like they should feel bad or apologize at all. I mean, there were many, many times that I doubted, or was scared, or stayed in a 'fear' state of mind, and I had to remember myself to trust. That is the hardest part for anyone in this life though - cancer or not - the trust part is hard. I guess I just listened to that voice deep in my soul, that I heard way early on in this process, the voice said that 'everything was going to be fine'. Also, I reflected upon all the things that had happened to me throughout my life, and just knew that there were many opportunities to have me not make it in the past, so why would I have made it through all of that - only to have stupid cancer beat me? I don't think so. It just didn't make sense to me. Then I of course looked at my husband and my children, and early on - it was numbing to think of me losing this battle and losing them. It is what kept me from wanting to get out of bed in the morning. But again, what I had to go through to find PJ, and what I went through to have my children, it wouldn't make sense for me to make it through all of that, only for me to be taken by this stupid cancer. God is mysterious, but he is logically mysterious - to me anyway. And, I truly trust my dr and what she tells me, because she's the expert, and such a wonderful human being, it was so clear to me God led me to find her. So I guess I just felt horrible that these ladies felt horrible, because they weren't alone - I too had moments of doubt and fear. But going back to that 'surrounding yourself with wonderful people' - I have never experienced people 'taking over when you are too weak' - and that, is what has pulled me through this more than anything. People praying, people giving me love, a meal, an email, a Facebook posting, and note in the mail, a book, all these things lifted me when I was not able to lift my head towards the heavens. It gives me hope. When I didn't have hope, others did for me - until, it was all I lived - now, I try to live hope, everyday, and can't WAIT to give it to others. I just want to be that positive light to someone else. Like I'm gonna burst if I can't - hard to explain.

I'm sure this is not the first time I will not know how to respond - this whole cancer thing is still very new to me. I don't know what each phase holds for me, I just try to smile, and hand in hand, we walk right in and take a seat. As corny as it sounds, each day is a gift. When I hear my Ginger giggle when I tickle her chunky thighs, or feel Madeline's sweet little hands pat my chest and ask me how my port feels, or the wonderful fact that my husband still wants to grab his bald wife's ass in the kitchen every night while I'm making dinner - these moments make me love my days on this earth more than I ever thought I could. I just re-read that sentence, and with tears in my eyes, feel like the most blessed woman on the face of this earth. Cancer has caused me to feel things 10 times more than I did before - what a blessing.

So - I just finished the devotional I started reading right when I started treatment called 'Praying Through Cancer' - and ironically enough - the last portion called The Final Word goes something like this - I need to share this considering what I just wrote about tonight - I'm going to change the wording by personifying it, because, well, you'll see - WOW!:

For me, cancer is a comma, not a period, in the sentences of my life. Why? Because I have put my faith in God's Son, Jesus Christ, and invited Him into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior. I have already seen God working in my life, answering my prayers and encouraging me through life's trials. My cancer experience is a huge challenge, but also an opportunity for me to draw closer to Jesus, who Himself was well acquainted with pain and suffering. Because of my trust in Him, Jesus turns my anxiety into unexpected joy and my pain into an opportunity to serve Him. Through prayer and praise to my Creator, even through cancer, my heart is set free from the fear of the unknown.

God Bless -