Chemo Can't Kill Acne???

You'd think, despite all that one's body must endure going through chemotherapy, that perhaps you would be alleviated, at least through treatment, of the occasional blemish. But nooooooo, I have this bulbous red nose right now from a blemish. I complained to PJ this morning while I was putting on my make-up, "You'd think chemo would kill a couple zits since it's killing everything else!" and he replied "Nope, zits are like the cockroaches of your face - nothing kills them." Well, isn't that a lovely mental picture. My man, I love him.

PJ and I took Madeline to the movies this morning, and had a wonderful time. It was weird just being the 3 of us out, but a nice change too - a chance to give Madeline some one on one time. Then we had to drop off some remaining paperwork to Social Security. PJ and I had some great moments today. Funny, last post I mentioned we were kinda in our separate corners throughout the weekend. I think sometimes you need to separate for a minute to become closer. That's what happened to us today. Although we had normal days, we had some of the most intense, sporadic conversations. We talked about how blessed we are, that we live here, that we have such a network of friends and community around us supporting us, that our family is so incredibly wonderful and loving. We couldn't imagine doing this in NY - there is no way we would have this journey in NY. Not even close. (not knocking NY here, just choosing this journey through cancer over another potential journey is all - want to be clear to my fellow NY'ers) We talked about how we see so many things differently now, clearer, things mean more, certain things mean way less - that kind of stuff - and how some people have risen to the top as really getting it and showing up for us in ways we couldn't even imagine, and others we thought would show up for us quickly dashed out the back door. Then we talked about how if we could, would we trade all this back for not having this cancer - and sometimes, truthfully and honestly, we want to - but mostly, no. Who we are now, is who we were meant to become - and that continues to grow.

I had an emotional moment this too, really out of nowhere - once we got the kids to bed I headed to the bedroom quite quickly. I've been feeling really claustrophobic lately, and just had to change into my pajamas. My breasts have just been feeling, well, different lately. Like they don't fit my body - they just don't feel the same - and this must be the changes the Taxol is doing to me. My OB told me it was clear to him that estrogen has pretty much stopped in my body due to the chemotherapy, he could tell. (how I will not go into, but interesting to know). I stood there in the mirror and looked at my chest, scarring from the excisional biopsy on my right breast, my port and the tube you can clearly see outlined on my skin on the left side, and I just stared at my breasts - they looked pretty much the same, despite the above. But they don't feel the same - on the inside. I don't think I can really explain this the way I'm feeling - funny, that seems to be happening a lot during this process for me, and I always thought I was pretty good at expressing myself. They just feel, different. And I just cried - PJ came in and just held me - told me he loved me, and that he wasn't going anywhere - that he would always be right by my side. My body is just changing, and it feels different and weird and I can't control it and that is frustrating and scary to me all at the same time. It's like, you never knew your breasts felt any certain or particular way at all until they suddenly didn't feel that way anymore. It's so unsettling to me, a period of adjustment I suppose. Another one.

My husband is my best friend. He is the one person I always want to hang out with, the one I tell everything to, the one I laugh with, the one who not only do I cry with, but who cries right along with me, the one who lifts me up. We had the best night of talking tonight in a long time. It's true again, just when you think you can't get any closer to someone, you do - and it's amazing. My husband also told me tonight that I was the light of spirituality in our family that draws them all in, near and dear to God. I told him I don't much feel like a light very often, but he dismissed this comment. My family is my blessing - that is all I know.

I want to close with a line from an article PJ read to me this evening from Men's Health (hey, at least we're READING about people who exercise). This article was about a man and woman who had everything they could have ever dreamed, $$, Manhattan apt, kush jobs - then lost it all - and found out now that they are living with their parents, they were really hadn't lost that much at all, and had gained immensely in family and personal relationships. I know it sounds cliche, but the end of the article really hit home for me - it read:

Adversity, when embraced, tenders gifts - never the ones we want, but often the ones we need.

What this cancer has produced in me are gifts indeed. Although, sometimes embracing this feels like I'm wrapping my arms around a porcupine, but I guess even a porcupine has the ability to relax its quills. Timing, its all in the timing.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and good vibes -

God Bless -