My Ears Are Giant Bug Zoos

PJ did just great all - thank you for your prayers and funny anecdotes! Friday went fine for him, and he got to be lazy all day yesterday then we were up for church this morning, so all is good and well here. My brother in law and partner were up to help up for the weekend, and we got to laugh and talk and just be together which was so nice. I just love having my family close - it is such a blessing. Even better that we have a family that we WANT to spend time with, that is a blessing in of itself, eh?

I haven't been feeling real great this weekend, I have the feeling my body is struggling to stay healthy - like it's fighting something off. Since chemo started - it feels like everything in my body is heightened - or I'm way more in tune to what my body needs from me - it's strange. So today, after church, PJ watched the girls while I took a nap - a 3 hour nap, a 3 hour nap (to the tune of Gilligan's Island) - guess I was tired. Well, Fri night I didn't get much sleep - it was kinda funny, Madeline comes in around 3am, gets in bed, I wake up nauseous at 4am, take an anti-nausea pill, then PJ wakes up and can't sleep so he turns on the TV in the bedroom which wakes Madeline up so they both start watching some dog show on animal planet and whisperingly comment throughout while I try to sleep. Oy vais. And, heellloooo - could it be any more hot and humid yesterday? I know, it's not Phoenix - but still. I was out running errands w/ Joe and I wish I could just not wear my scarf - it is like a major sweat box on my head!!! I know, PJ says this too - "just don't wear anything out of you don't want to." Well, here's what I've discovered about myself - it makes me uncomfortable when others feel uncomfortable. This is the same reasoning that makes me rush to put on a scarf when someone rings my doorbell - I'm not embarrassed - ironically enough. I thought for sure that was why I did this initially - but when I really had a talk w/ myself on this behavior, it was to avoid the look in someone else's eyes - the uncomfortableness, the awkwardness - the hurt. I would then feel compelled to alleviate this feeling for them, because that is who I am, so to avoid it all together, I put on a scarf. Problem solved - sweaty, but solved.

I spoke with an old NY friend today, someone I haven't spoken to in about oh, 4-5 years I guess? It was so comforting to hear her voice. We had a great conversation and caught up, and in discussing my 'cancer' I realized something - it's funny, things come to you when talk out loud, even to yourself, rather than stay in your head w/ stuff. Anyway, here's a theory because I continue to battle with myself about how I 'feel' not matching how I 'look'. Do you think it is possible that we, subconsciously, decide our physical selves from the way we feel? We are constantly trying to make us look the way we feel? Funny thing about chemo, you no longer have that control - so you can only base things on the way you feel - but it's like the other part is missing because we've gone through our entire lives trying to get both of these sides, physical and emotional (or spiritual) to match, right? Now I'll be be boppin through the house and suddenly realize when I look in the mirror, that my physical self is not the representation of how I feel - and I find this extremely frustrating. When it's something you've been able to control for so long, and then lose that control, it is very frustrating. But who is to say this is a bad thing? Learning to release myself from my physical self has been a lesson, no - this CONTINUES to be a lesson for me - and one that continues to bring reward to me on many levels - as frustrating as that can be!!!

In church today, I was taken by a portion of the prayer we said as a congregation at the beginning of the service. It said "May a spirit on neighborliness grow, for it is that spirit that your will is done on earth." I never thought of God's will in this light before. This is something I've obviously struggled with in my other posts, and I think this really resonates with me in a way nothing else has. God's will grows through the good deeds we do for one another - what a concept!! No wonder it makes us feel so good to help one another - it makes perfect sense. That would be an, A-Ha moment I guess? Hmmmm, who knew.

My mom just phoned me while I am blogging here, and has informed me that my Uncle, who was battling cancer, has passed this evening. In fact, he passed about 20 minutes ago. My instinct was tears, now, I am filled with such peace for him, I know he was and had been in so much pain for quite awhile. I am filled with peace for him that his 2 children and wife were there when he passed. I am sad that with this life, we must embrace death as well, and that just never seems to be an easy thing to do. For me anyway. I always wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all better - knowing people are hurting is probably the one thing that continues to break my heart. Please keep him and his beautiful family in your prayers. They have a difficult time ahead. I told my mom, who reached out to talk to me with this news, to pray for him - and talk to him through prayer. That maybe the one thing she needed to do right now was talk to him - and she could, anytime.

God Bless -