Does this new side effect come with fries?

Madeline was a little under the weather today so we missed our playdate, which is a bummer - but the last time I went ahead and went when she was sick she just got even sicker, so this time we stayed home. We had a pretty good day regardless, when I put Ginger down for her morning nap Madeline and I had a tea party, with the BIG GIRL tea set. It was lovely. Animal crackers and water never tasted better! She is getting to be such a big girl, I'm just loving this age. She is really starting to joke with you and laugh and be silly. It's fun.

I should post a picture of what my head looks like now - this is the strangest thing. I'm growing hair - not all over like normal, but a thin layer all over. And it's really super light - blondish white colored. I'm calling it my chemo hair. Seriously, it's long enough so when I take my scarf off it's all kind of lying down now in this weird pattern - I have serious scarf head. Maybe this is because my regime is so different from anyone I've met - I've already had more treatments than most have to endure. Most chemotherapy patients do it for 'preventative' reasons after surgery, so it's like 6 treatments 3 weeks apart. I go once a week for three weeks for 6-12 months. So maybe my body is learning to live with it quicker since it gets it more often? Or maybe it's because I continue to take my prenatal vitamins? Who knows, everybody is different, boy am I learning that. Everyones experience is very different.

I'll post a pic of my chemo hair when the chemo cam posts - it's almost here, I promise, PJ is actually working on that right now. See - I really wanted to work on it, but the software is on his main computer which is in his office, which is in our garage. Now, I can tolerate a lot of things, bugs, are not one of them. I don't do the whole bug thing - I won't even pretend to. So when you are working in the garage at night, in the summer, in Arizona, you have to keep the doors open cuz it's frickin HOT in the evenings. Then all these bugs come in - and remember, I don't do bugs. So, PJ is working on the chemo cam software. Yay for him.

I got to experience another wonderful side effect that I thought I had already experienced, until today. I knew that nose bleeds were a side effect of the Avastin, and I've had minor ones here and there, mostly after I blow my nose to hard or something, made sense. Today however, was a whole new ballgame. I was just sitting in my girls room playing with Ginger when the second one hit, blood just came running out of my nose out of nowhere. I yelled for Madeline to bring me Kleenex, which she did, she is such a good helper to me - but this happened 3 times today - just out of nowhere. The last one this evening happened when I was cleaning the kitchen, I had to lean over the sink! It lasted for a good 10 minutes or so before I got it to stop. This, is really yukky. I'm going to call my dr in the am and just let her know for her records, this is probably totally normal, I've just never experienced something like this before, so it was a little freaky. Plus in front of my kids was a weird feeling too - although Madeline seemed more eager to help than be freaked out. She rocks.

On another note, I had 3 different friends today tell me things they were hesitant to because of what I'm going through. First off, I am so touched they were thinking of me - that, was a lovely gesture on their part. But what I realized was me being their friend was as much of a part of who I am as them being mine. Does that make sense? I want to show up for them, because that is what they deserve, just as I have deserved them showing up for me. Cancer or no cancer, I'm still Dina, and so want the 'normal friendship' I once shared with my friends. I don't want my friendships to just be about me and my cancer - because that is my life right now, yes, but everyone has their lives too, and even though they may not be experiencing cancer, thank God, they still have shitty things happen and awesome things happen. It's all relative - we all have crap we're dealing with - you can't put a grade on the crap - no ones is better or worse than then other, it's all just pretty much crap. I have to admit, I've lost a couple friendships over this, and I may not ever really know why, and that frustrates the shit out of me, because I ask 'why' a lot you see, way too much. But the ones I do have, and the new ones I've formed out of this, are so incredibly awesome, I can't even explain.

Then I realize, it's really hard for me to give like I gave before treatment - to give of myself to others, to help out, to volunteer, etc. Sometimes, I am trying so hard to remain like normal Dina, but it's hard. Before treatment I felt like there weren't enough hours in the day to get done everything I wanted to get done - now? I have trouble even remembering what I was supposed to do. I forget things, I feel like I'm moving through Jello some days - every day is different. It's so hard to be the 'mom on the go' with cancer. I just hope I can still be the friend to my friends that I was before cancer. I hope they want me to be. And by friends, I mean family too - some of my family members are my very best friends - who can say that with a straight face? I know treatment won't go on forever, I know this, but life doesn't stop just because Dina is in treatment (but wouldn't that be nice it it did, just for a day or so, give everyone the weekend off or something! I'd go buy a new hat I think!). In fact right now, I am very frustrated writing this - I can't seem to have a consistent stream of thought. Nor do I feel like I am expressing what I want to express in these words. Arg.

Well, I think I better cut my losses this evening. Madeline just came in all sleepy eyed and asked me about the horse in her bed (she is sleep walking here you see, something I can use when she is 16 or so and brings her boyfriend home to meet me) So I am going to go make sure she is snuggled all back in her bed now, and go to bed myself I think. Sleep is something that seems to cure just about everything with me, let's see if 'brain fart' is one of those things.

Thank you to Sarah for bringing me yummy dinner tonight, I always feel so much healthier when I eat your food - and SCORE on the wine, who knew organic wine would be the one wine I could actually taste - it was awesome.

God Bless -