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It finally occurred to me today, the last time I had all these medications was when I completely broke down in front of that poor church lady who came to visit me. Ya know, now that I think of it, I haven't heard from her again. In any case, I remembered that this particular concoction of drugs took me about 5 days to recover from. Didn't feel real great again today, and a new side effect to add to the bag of tricks, is night sweats. Yes, they warned me chemotherapy could possibly send me into early menopause, and I believe this is exactly what is happening to me. We all know how much I LOVE sweating anyway, so this is just a real treat. So now, I'm taking 2 showers a day and changing my pillowcases daily. I know, you're jealous.

I did break down and cry this time too, only this time it was at my prayer circle. Thank you God for this, such a safe place for me to be, and share, and let go. I am so blessed to have this place and these people to go to each week. I've been a bit worn out about everything this past week - and just needed to let it out then let it go. My thanks to my lava lamp, otherwise known as Pastor Mary, and all my prayer warriors. Lisa, who seems to always know where I'm coming from without me having to speak a word, and of course my Jennifer. Jennifer said something remarkable to me today when I was leaving, she said that Thank God I didn't know about my breast cancer until after I had Ginger, because if I had known sooner, I never would have gotten pregnant. I never thought of this before, but she is exactly right. What a gift I have been given. And thank you Jennifer, for reminding me of just how precious my Ginger is. God certainly knew what he was up to.

Tonight has been a transition night for me - usually I am anxious in my off weeks because by not having my weekly treatment, I don't feel like I'm actively doing anything to fight this thing. This week, not in such a hurry to get back in there. I'm slowly building my momentum back up to start the next half of this fight next week. I'm getting there. Sometimes the side effects just get to me, they frustrate me, they piss me off, they make me cry, they tear me down, they give me pain like I've never felt before, they wear me out, they play on every insecurity I've ever had about myself. But then I remember what's really important - and I move on. I am allowing myself to experience all these feelings - because they are all very real feelings. Some people like to try to tell me how to feel - or like Pastor Mary says "Don't let people 'should' all over you". People 'should' all over me quite a bit - but these are my feelings, I own them, I feel them, I express them, then I plow right through it. See, I'm a big girl, I know when I'm being whimpy or whinny, I don't let myself stay there for long - but I let myself be that way if I need to.

I need to share with you something one of my dear friends in NY shared with me this morning, talking on this very subject - this is just an amazing expression of thought:

I would not wish what you’re going through on anybody Dina, truly. But don’t you think that everyone should go through SOME form of adversity? Just to gain the gift of knowing? Knowing that nothing is really in our control ultimately, but that it’s OK? I know it may sound a bit corny, but the whole idea of life is NOT to run through the maze searching madly for that piece of cheese and getting it, out of breath and frantic, but learning nothing of how we got there? WALK through, enjoy the journey (even if you are hungry), because “we may not be back this way again”?

Absolutely beautifully expressed. In fact, PJ and I were thinking about just this last night - wishing it didn't take what we are dealing with to give us the eyes we have now.

So I walk - at times hungry, very hungry, and enjoy this journey - it has already brought me so much beauty.

Thank you all who continue to pray for me and send me good vibes. I really needed it this week.
I'm getting all sweaty now, gotta go ;-)

God Bless -