Mmmmm - chemo. Good to the last Drop.

I put that on my Facebook page this afternoon and thought it was funny.

Well, swimming didn't go as well today - I just don't think Madeline is ready - which really just baffles me. She loved the swimming lessons last year - but now, it was like she had never been in a pool before - very strange. I think she has anxiety about not being able to touch the bottom of the pool. In any case, she screamed hysterically when I tried to just put her in the pool. In the end, I got her to walk down 3 steps and sit down, but I'm not supposed to be the one to do this - the instructors are. She didn't want to have anything to do with them, just me. In chatting w. my friend, we've simply determined she's just not ready. I'll try to work with her myself this summer - PJ and I will see what we can do with her since she seems to be comfortable with that. I felt like such a bad mom making her go - I mean, she's 3 - hardly capable of pulling a 'I don't wanna go cuz I'm lazy' kind of thing. Well, we gave it a whirl. She'll be glad to be home w/ grandma tomorrow and just hang out. Much less traumatic.

Had my prayer circle today, and I cannot express how much this lifts me each week. I thought initially that maybe this was way too much to ask of people - that maybe once a week was a bit overkill. I mean, asking people to come and pray for you once a week - it seemed a little, well, self indulgent to be honest. It felt like a selfish act - however, these ladies have become such a source of strength to me - they hear me in a way I cannot express, and provide a support system that refills my 'hope bucket', so to speak. It so easy to get lost in your own brain, and they remind of the tools I need to keep the dark place from becoming the permanant place. They remind me to pray, to praise God for all that I have, and remind me to fight, right along side him. I remembered a dream I had during treatment a couple weeks back, where I used the relaxation cd. It had you envision your most peaceful place, and place yourself there. Well, my place is the lakehouse in the movie What About Bob? (classic Bill Murray movie) and I'm sitting there on the wooden pier with my feet hanging down, toes in the water, looking out over the still water and it's like, late afternoon. I'm completely relaxed then I notice that Jesus (pls, don't freak out here, this is really cool) is sitting next to me. He's dressed in cutoff jeans, and a simple white t-shirt, hair back in a pony, looking an awful lot like he is described in The Shack - like a normal, real person. I looked at him and said "So - guess you know how this whole thing turns out then, eh?" and he says quite simply "Yup." looking out over the water - then I say "I don't suppose you'd want to share this with me or anything" and he just gives me a sarcastic eyebrow raise and says "Nope" Then I ask him " then can you tell me why at least? why did this happen?" and he looked right into my eyes and said "do you think you'd be sitting here with me if this hadn't happened?" to which I responded "Nope." and there you go. This was such a comforting scenario - like chatting with a friend I'd known forever. I can't believe I didn't share this when it happened, I hope I'm describing it correctly, it was just a very cool converation - very normal, very comforting and strangely familiar. It brings me peace to just type it here. Very cool.

I don't get to see my oncologist tomorrow, I see one of her collegues - this guy is great, although PJ and I think he looks just like the guy on TV who does those commercials for free gov't money - he wears that suit full of questions marks - have you seen this guy? Well, the dr we are seeing looks just like this guy. He's pretty funny and talks really fast - and I'll have to forgive him again for being a Red Sox fan ;-) I'll ask him his opinion on my scan last week and see what he thinks, but it will be my dr who makes the final recommendation. Always interesting to get s second opinion. So I'm eager for that. Then I get Taxol and Avastin tomorrow. I took my steroids this evening and am having major heartburn/acid reflux that doesn't seem to be going away. Usually, Prilosec takes care of this, but it doesn't seem to be working this evening. Not sure why.

I also applied for social security benefits tonight - which was, sureal. I haven't gotten to the medical section yet, but was able to get the initial application filed. Had to answer some pretty heavy questions - see, we have a pretty heavy IRS tax nut to crack, and PJ gets to call the IRS tomorrow to discuss while I;m having treatment as it's gotten to a kinda scary place. We are trying to alleviate the stress level on me, so obviously I'm not calling them, when usually, I would be the one to handle such things. Yukky stuff today dealing with this. Sometimes you wish some things would just be put on hold while you deal with cancer - but life continues as normal - cancer or not. Drats. However, I was reminded today to really just be proactive, honest and upfront, a basic good and upright citizen - and not worry. Trust that God will provide. Not sit and do nothing, still do all the things we are able, but not worry - to give that part up. Same goes for cancer - that I am doing all I'm supposed to be doing - fighting, praying, staying positive, taking care of myself, taking care of my family, thanking Him for all my blessings, and not worrying about the rest. God will provide. Boy - that is really hard sometimes!!

Well, I gotta go find the Tums - thank you all for praying for me and keeping me in your thoughts - and Game On! again tomorrow - bring on the chemo! Yum Yum.