The New Me - and then some.

So, the birthday weekend has come to a close. I'm kinda glad actually. Enough already. I can't say I've embraced the # 40 quite yet, but I'm rolling it around in my brain, trying it on for size, it'll come eventually I'm sure. My family celebrated with me - it was really nice, relaxing, and we ate way too much. Perfect.

I've really done some reflection this weekend. First of all, it was obnoxiously hot all weekend (thankfully the rain came Sun evening and tonight, lovely, simply lovely) But Saturday, my actual birthday, was hot and humid and just uncomfortable - and I was not feeling well at all to boot - I just wanted to jump out of my skin. Like I couldn't get comfortable and felt like I needed to shower all the time. It is hard to explain. I knew Sun morning when I woke up I felt a million times better. I think when I feel this way, I just need to sleep - sleep seems to alleviate any sort of weird ailment or symptom I seem to have. In an case, I spent a lot of time Sat napping, thus, the reflection. I've been thinking about who I am as a person, and before my diagnosis. Which feels like a century ago btw instead of only 3 1/2 months. I was so, well, anxious about the stupidest things. They of course didn't feel stupid at the time, they were really important, in fact, some of them still are important, I just don't get all worked up about it anymore. Funny thing was, I was already in such a good place on my spiritual path, at least that was in line to deal with this. It was just basically LIFE I was a bit off center on it seemed. I was worried about money, like we all are, we were pinching pennies everywhere, I was worried about laundry, I was worried about dinner, I was worried about my house being clean, I was worried about how fat I still was after having a baby, I was worried about my hair and how I couldn't seem to get it to look good no matter what I did, I was worried about what friends I had, and what friends I didn't have, I was busy judging friends, and wondering if they were judging me, I was worried about my family and how I was going to take care of all of them because they couldn't take care of themselves of course, at least not as well as I could take care of them, all these things. Then, you have a mammogram and your entire life turns upside down. And not the good upside down like when you have a baby, this is way different. It's like everything you thought you knew, the unspoken thing you always depended upon, the unspoken assumption that we will always be here on this earth until we are very very old, this assumption, like a rug we neatly lay out to stand on day in and day out gets stereotypically pulled out from under us and we fall. Fall square on our ass. Part of me wants all those stupid worries back, but then another part of me is kinda glad they are all long gone. Replaced perhaps with a different set of worries, but, certainly put in perspective, that's for damn sure. And - I'm not nearly as negative as I used to me - and maybe that was the NYer in me, (I still have that thank you very much, just a different channel now is all) or maybe I just found it easier to be negative about things, but I like the positive person I've become. And this is a positivity that is deep, deep inside me. I'm not skipping down the street all the time whistling This Land Is Your Land or anything, please, and it's not false hope either, like I'm kidding myself of anything. It's the knowledge that it's so much better to choose to be kind, to be caring, and try to make a difference in people's lives - it makes you feel so much better, and you do make a difference. I'm different, my kids and I are different, my husband and I are different, my mom and I are different. You know what, different isn't the right word there - it should be 'better'. I'm better - I'm better with all these people, and I never knew I could be, until cancer. Wow. Just writing that, took my breath away. A lot of this is God - I wouldn't have been able to do any of this soul searching if it weren't for my discussions with Him. So I thank Him for this self discovery, that keeps on bearing fruit for me - sort of a, 'spiritual smoothie' if you will.

This new found knowledge of mine comes in handy for me - seems when you have cancer, everyone wants to give you advice, or their opinion on what you should do, or their understanding of a relevant story or anecdote, or what a relative of theirs did, or what their wife's doctor told them, something. Not too long ago I would become the last thing I read or heard. I'm not doing that dance anymore. My cancer is just that - mine. My story is not anyone else's story - and what my doctor tells me may not be what other people's doctor tells them. I own this. There are a bunch of different kinds of breast cancer, did you know this? I didn't. Until I found out I had it - I didn't know ANYTHING about breast cancer - it's really interesting. I'm the type that just wants to know everything, all at once, so I can digest it and try to understand it. I know not everyone is like that, shit, I've spoken to cancer patients who didn't even know what kind of breast cancer they had - that would drive me nuts!!! But, everyone has choices in this life, that's the whole free will thing we got going - and I just choose information. Information is power to me, and boy, do I like power. You can ask the man I used to work for in NYC. Right Don?

Well, as I said when I started this blog, there would probably be times when it was a rambling mess - this I think, is one of those times. This helps me to sleep at night, to get these thoughts out, as jumbled as they may come across. It's funny, sometimes I just can't seem to find the right words in the English language to describe how I feel, like they haven't invented the words I need quite yet. Frustrating. Anyhow, thank you for all your prayers and good wishes. They are working.

Oh - and we saw Hotel for Dogs this morning, and I hate to admit this, but I cried, and thought it was really cute. Guess I am 40 now. Night Night.