A Shot of Optimism Please - Hold the Lime

This weekend has been exactly what we wanted - hibernation. Which is always a double edged sword with me - I want to hibernate and be quiet, then once I'm quiet, I can't sit still. Aaarrrggg - aggravating. Unfortunately, I've pretty much felt like crap all weekend. Achy, feverish, and this intense bone pain in my sternum and lower hip area, all very typical side effects of all the drugs they gave me last week. This time, it seems to tease me though. I will start to feel better, then BAM - start feeling shitty - then start to feel better, then BAM - you get the picture. And, it seems to happen when I am playing with my girls, which is REALLY frustrating. So we can add a layer of anger on top of this, how delightful. PJ and I kinda were in our separate corners this weekend as well, something I'm always caught off guard by when it happens, but understand it is needed in our relationship. I mean, we are together ALL THE TIME - literally. I'm sure he wants to just pull what's left of his hair out at times too - bless his heart. I like to think I'm an easy patient, but, everyone thinks they're that way - and well, you do the math.

I had meant to share a story that happened to me when Hailee was here - this is so funny. Since I've been in treatment, I've found myself really drawn to this body spray made by Bath and Body Works - it's from their aromatherapy selection called Eucalyptus Spearmint and it's known for it's "Relax" functionality, as far as aromatherapy goes. I had this since Madeline was born actually, to scent the room when we thought we were going to have her the 'natural' way - then we found out she was 9lb 4 oz 2 weeks before my due date - needless to say, natural childbirth was no longer on my list of things to do. In any case, I found this stuff under my sink and was really drawn to it since I started chemo, and I had noticed I was running low. So, I went to the mall to purchase more. Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one this happens to, but whenever I seem to like anything at Bath and Body Works, they discontinue it. But this scent I know I had seen for some time, because they make a hand soap as well, and I had recently bought some of that. So here I go to purchase some more of this body spray - and guess what - they've discontinued the body spray. (but they are now making the pillow mist, which they discontinued years ago but it has now reappeared - ??) I am extremely frustrated. Now the saleslady tells me that they have discontinued ALL the body sprays for the aromatherapy line - WHA? 'You mean everything!?" I ask incredulously. "Yes, all but one" she says to me. "Really, well which one are you carrying?" No lie - she says to me "This one, it's called Optimism". You're frickin kidding me, right? Well, I'm not an idiot - of course I'm going to buy a bottle of Optimism, wouldn't you? And ya know what, it doesn't smell half bad. Kinda flowery, but pretty. PJ likes it - that's good. To funny. If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what was. Now, I feel compelled to wear it all the time, like I'm committing some sort of 'aromatherapy bad karma' if I don't. Maybe that's the whole point? - Arg! They got me!

I've found myself quiet this weekend, like I wanted to be. And I think I was hoping for some answers or revelations, but none came. I wanted to know why I met my friend who passed this week - what was the purpose of this short lived friendship - to scare me? To make me fight harder? To open my eyes even further to this disease? I don't know. Then I thought of my childhood friend who took his own life this week - and wondered what that was supposed to teach me - or anyone - especially his family. I have such mixed emotions about that scenario - I switch from anger to grief and back and forth. I guess when you believe that everything happens for a reason, you also need to remember that the reason may not be revealed right away. It may take time to play out. Problem is, I'm not real patient when it comes to these things, so I need to pray for patience, and a clear heart to recognize it when it is revealed. Sometimes I think we can be so clouded by bullshit we don't see the message. And I need to see the message. These events are too vivid in my heart to not have some sort of intention revealed to me. And, please know, this is not about ME, I fully understand that - I want to see the message revealed, whomever it may concern, if that makes any sense.

My husband and I are going to take Madeline to her last summer movie tomorrow morning. I'm so excited to do this. Just the 3 of us. And, sorry to say the 'chemo cam' is delayed a bit - we've got all the footage off the camera, now I just need to take the time to learn this new software and edit this sucker down so you aren't sitting there watching like, 2 hours of me snoring on my pre-meds. So - we'll get it up this week for sure, just not sure when this week.

I can't thank you all enough for reading, for praying, for sending me good vibes - all that good stuff. Again, it is indeed working. Here's to my off week - no chemo, no blood work, no nothing this week - LET THE PLAYDATES COMMENCE!!! I love being Madeline and Ginger's mommy. :-)

God Bless -