You Can't Juggle On Chemo

I woke up this morning expecting to feel shitty, and surprisingly didn't - I was tired, but not sick feeling. So this was hopeful I thought. I thought about calling Nancy and telling her not to come over, but didn't. She came and I went back to bed as soon as she arrived, and seemed to sleep most of the day. Woke up around 2pm and felt good enough to send her home, then about an hour later, the achy feverish feeling started. This usually happens in the mornings when I wake up on Fri, so it was a little surprising to have it happen this late in the day, but as I continue through this process, nothing seems to stay the same, the experience is never the same, the way I feel never seems to repeat itself exactly as it happened the previous time. Strange. One thing that is consistent is the yukky taste in my mouth - I am constantly drinking water trying to wash this away, which is good too I guess.

PJ came in from working and I went back to bed for a bit, then he and the girls woke me up for dinner. Thank you Joanna for pizza, it certainly hit the spot tonight, and easy clean up was even more of a joy for me this evening. Thank you.

So I spent most of my day in my bedroom today, I have my desk and my computer in my bedroom, and when I haven't worked on my computer for a time, it defaults to start flashing through all the pics on my hard drive - which is a various array of things. I have come to terms in seeing myself before this fight - me with the long hair, the 'normalcy' of things it seemed, or as it can seem in pictures. I mean, don't you have those pictures you look at of yourself and you can remember exactly what was going on 'behind' the smile in certain pics? A strange exchange with someone, a small quarrel with your significant other, an inside joke that was shared just before the picture was taken, those types of things. I notice these things in pictures. And for the longest time, I was sad when I looked at these pictures, but now, I look at them and I just feel like I don't hardly know who that person is any more - and it was only 4 months ago! Not only do I look completely different now, I feel so completely different now. And I don't find myself particularly sad about this, not really. But, today, I looked at the pictures of PJ, and I realized today that he looks different now too - despite the fact that he shaves his head for me, those physical changes are obvious, but he too is a completely different person. We talked about this, that when you are just going on in life, you set these goals for yourselves, simple things like home improvement, major purchases, child rearing - those kinds of goals. The personal growth stuff you don't seem to plan on, do you? Then something like this happens, and the person next to you that you chose as your life partner, that you thought you couldn't ever be closer to, suddenly gets that much closer to you, and your relationship takes on a whole new light, raised to a whole new level. I know this doesn't happen to all people, and do not be fooled, I thank God every day for my husband - I was meant to meet him when I did, and live my life with him by my side, he is a gift to me. It's just really cool to know what once you think you've achieved the most, you get a 'bonus boost' in your relationship so to speak, and, well, so it took cancer to get it, what a blessing that is anyway, right? I mean without cancer, we wouldn't even know this level in our relationship. So as much as it saddens me to look at those pictures of him before this all went down and to almost covet the naivety on his face, on both of our faces, it blesses me to know the knowledge and understanding on each of our faces in current pictures. What we know now, is priceless.

I am going to try to call in an early night tonight. I have to say, it is the weirdest feeling to sleep all day - it brings me back to those days in my early 20's when you'd sleep till like, noon on Sat - I feel all lazy and loser-like - then I think, well, I won't be able to fall asleep tonight now, but I do. Sleep just seems to be the remedy for me, which isn't all bad. Thank God I have the people around me that allow me to do this with 2 young children. Thank God. I'm certainly not getting better all on my own, this is most definitely a group effort. It takes me, of course, but it takes God, my family, my friends, my church, my doctors, everyone who reads my blog, everyone who prays for me, everyone I don't know who holds me up in prayer - we thank all these people every night as a family when we say grace before dinner. Every night. Can you believe, little Ginger in her high chair, folds her little 15 month hands when we pray, is quiet while we pray (and she's not quiet very often) then says 'Amen' with her own unique intonation, when we're done. What my children are learning about people, about humanity, about goodness, and about God is immeasurable. Simply immeasurable.

I'm going into hibernation for the weekend, so please have a good one everyone. Going to have the remainder of the homemade ice cream then go to bed. My mommy made me homemade chocolate ice cream with white chocolate chips for my b-day last weekend. Tell me I'm not spoiled!

God Bless -