Junior Mints - Big Box Size.

I am addicted to Junior Mints. There - I've said it. I really do feel so much better now. The first part of healing is admitting you have a problem I hear. So there it is. It is one of the few things I can taste - and I just found the most ginormous box of them being sold at Walmart. For $2.10. Can you believe it? I do believe they are fat free, not that it matters - for in the words of Kramer, 'they're wonderfully refreshing!!'. That they are.

Ok, moving on. Went shopping/errand running with the girls this morning, and although it was uncomfortably hot, we had a nice time. We had to get underwear for Madeline as my sweet little one has now out grown her first pairs of big girl panties (boo hoo). And may I say, do they not make just normal little girl panties anymore? These all look like hoochey mama panties - she's 3!!!!! What the hell??? So - JC Penny's had some kinda normal looking ones, that's the route we went. Got some smell good for me, and some fat girl pants as I now seem to be tipping the scales the other direction. My nurses are blaming it on the steroids. I don't know. It is so frustrating. Let's just say I don't look all skinny and sickly like most people on chemo - quite the opposite. Although the nice 75 year old man who came to visit us today seemed to be quite impressed with my 'girlish figure' - that is another story all unto itself - another time perhaps. I'll take the compliment though - you betcha.

Nice time w/ my girls today, and so wonderful to have Hailee here to help. She is such a joy.

I'm finding myself cautiously excited today about my chemo schedule news - I want to make sure the scans show the same continued progression - then I'll feel more comfortable. I know, I need to just trust, but it's so hard for me to allow that sometimes. I just want to make sure I keep doing exactly what we've been doing and not veer off in any other direction. I mean with everything, the prayers, the routine, the everything. I want to make sure it all stays the same as it has. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid, not sure. Might just be an initial reaction. Who knows.

Well, I'm not going to post for the next couple of days - it's just too hard on the weekends for me to post on Fri and Sat nights. Sun is always better. So I guess it's time for me to share the fact that I'll be turning 40 on Sat, and I have such mixed feelings about this. First of all, it's totally letting go of the 30's - which is a bummer. I mean, I always still felt kinda young to put the 30 in front of another number - even if it was 9 - ya know? Then, I think back to 6 - 8 months ago and me telling PJ that I wanted this big blow out party for my 40th - but since my diagnosis, I don't want any of this. I just want quiet - just quiet and just family around for no particular reason. I then find myself pissed too - that cancer robbed me of this moment, which is supposed to be a big moment, I think. 40 is a big deal to me. Do I feel 40? No - I feel like, I don't know - 38 I think - that is a good number. I guess I am reminded that we certainly are not in control of this life of ours - are we? My goodness no - we can plan, and plan, and plan, but what is going to happen is going to happen - and we have to just deal with it. So, although I'm still a little pissed I have to deal with it, I am. Shit, I'm just really glad I'm here for my 40th b-day. That in of itself is a blessing. There will be many more for me to celebrate. 41 is going to be my 40 - how's that? I'll have some hair then most likely, and will celebrate like a mad woman - and you're all invited - k? I may even have a cocktail or two - who knows?

I'm not feeling real hot this evening, so I'm signing off. My bad Fridays are starting to show up on Thurs evenings. My lovely husband cooked dinner tonight, then my lovely niece cleaned my kitchen. I can't wait till my girls can clean the kitchen, wow, my life will be changed forever. (it's the little things you see). Until then, tonight was just wonderful.

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes - have an awesome weekend and I'll talk to you all Sun evening. God Bless.