What A Mixed Bag of Tricks

I woke up this morning and immediately went to check my email. I never do this. Something made me check it early this am. It was about 7 am. I saw an email from my friends husband who I mentioned in my last post - I had emailed them to see if we could come and visit. It seems now I was too late. My friend passed on Monday. She had triple negative breast cancer and she was in her early thirties. I am in tears at 7am on a Thurs morning. I know I only knew her a short time, but she touched my life - I connected with her in a way that is hard to describe. My doctor had told me when she had seen her just last week, she wanted her to tell me that she was so glad she met me, and that I was part of her journey. How precious is this gift? That she wished to send a message to me, someone she didn't know for very long either, a message, knowing we would never see each other again. Amazing, powerful, humbling, sad, and absolutely crushing. I know it is not for us to know 'why' - but I find myself wanting to know - why - why her - why did she get triple negative and I didn't - why did she not get to have children and I did - why why why. I do find peace in knowing she is not hurting anymore. The last time I saw her and she was having the reaction to her treatment, I could just see the fear on her face, and I was so compelled to somehow, someway take this fear away from her. I can't imagine the fear of your body reacting in ways you don't understand, and in ways you can't control. I mean, I kinda have a sense of that, but my fight isn't nearly what hers was. I can't imagine having something running wild with such a death vengeance through your body, how scary that must have been for her. It makes me cry every time I think about it. Her husband did say that she spent her last week with all of her family and friends around, eating all of her favorite foods. That, brought me peace. Who would want to go that way - surrounded by the people you love, with a wonderfully satisfied and full belly. Sounds almost heavenly. He also told me to keep fighting. I will keep fighting, for her, for me, and for everyone else with this bitch of a disease. At the risk of sounding completely infantile, it's just not fair. Please keep her family and friends in your prayers.

Needless to say, this week has run the gamut of emotions for me. PJ and I are in 'surreal' mode - we are laughing one minute and crying the next.

My doctor had given me some #'s regarding the mass removed from my right breast from the excisional biopsy - she measures this area every visit, and they believe all this is simply scar tissue from the surgery at this point, but it has shrunk from 4 x 3.85 on 5/27 to 2 x 1.7 on Wed, 7/22. Amazing. How blessed am I - this shit is really working, and it's working fast. They even used the "R" word for me when I'm off chemo (remission) as they would then place me on hormonal therapy - but I would continue the calcium treatments once a month to ensure my bones stay strong. Even though the cancer would no longer be 'active' in my bones, it still did it's damage in weakening my bones, so best to keep the calcium flowing. We're not sure if we are going to have another scan in Aug or not, my doctor says we will play it by ear. Fair enough. I need to just enjoy this news. As hard as that has been this week.

I wore my wig out this evening, totally spur of the moment. It felt kinda nice to 'blend in' for a change, but funny enough - I felt like I was hiding something. Isn't that funny? Like I was trying to pull one over on everyone. Madeline said "mommy, do you have a wig on your hair? Can I touch it?" Which of course I let her do, then she said "Is it real? You look very pretty with your new hair mom." Ginger would just look at me, she'd look at my face, then at my hair, then at my face, then at my hair - back and forth - kinda confused - it was very funny. We'll see how often this happens again, it was really weird.

I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend, resting and just being with my family. We need to regroup a bit here at the Mountcastle House. We haven't had a weekend to ourselves in a month now, and it's time. I think we're just going to hibernate this weekend, kinda shut the world away.

I wish I had more insight this evening, more things to say, but to be honest, I'm just kinda numb. I'm tired, starting to not feel real great, and with the gamut of emotions that has gone on this week, I think I just need to be quiet and still. Does that make sense? So that is what I'm going to do - go be quiet and still, and see if that helps.

I thank you all again for your prayers. They are certainly working. Thank you for your prayers for my friend. I miss her already.

God Bless -