I had a couple down moments - trying really hard to not feel like the last thing I read about this disease. Being conscious about it is good I think - I mean, being aware of a bad behavior makes it much easier to change it, right? Well, I read an article that talked about statistics, which I have never read before ON PURPOSE, and I read this article from a magazine someone gave to me telling 3 different women's journey with metastic breast cancer and I guess I subconsciously was looking for hope and all this positive stuff, but found nothing like that in this article. Then got on the Advanced Breast Cancer website and just read some sad things there - it kinda snowballed from there. I had a great weekend, but I'd be lying if I didn't go through it really wishing this was not happening to me. Wishing I could know why it was. These are things I will not have answers to, I am fully aware of that, but the WANT for the answers is hard to supress. I talked through some of these thoughts with PJ tonight, something I haven't really done before, and he was really great. I think I just need to let someone in when I start feeling these things, I need to talk about it with someone - that way, it opens up a dialouge about it that can bring a completely different path of thinking that wasn't there before. If I keep all this shit in my head, (that which I don't dump here on this blog) I think I would fall into a real depression. We need people, we need reminders sometimes of the fight and how important it is and a reminder that we are already doing it - and doing a really great job at it. Now, this need for people and communication through this is totally separate from my need to pray about this as well - please know they are 2 different things, and 2 very necessary things in my mind. At least in my precious life it is a necessity. Sidenote - in church this morning, I submitted a Prayer of Thanksgiving for receiving such great test results this week. When Pastor George read this, with all the other chuch community prayer requests and prayers of thanks, the community applauded - it was so touching and is so motivating and inspiring to know that a community is behind you. It is not a mistake that I was put in this community at the time that I was - not a coincidence by a long shot. But I do think it is normal for my thinking to go back and forth through this process. It is impossible not to - I have frickin cancer - of course I'm going to get upset, pissed, frustrated, angry, sad, scared - all these things at once sometimes. I think having familly here, and feeling so great on my off week sometimes tricks me into almost forgetting about this - then I remember and get sad, upset, pissed blah blah blah. This roller coaster has to be normal - it feels like it should be. As long as I don't stay in that sad place, and get up, dust myself off, grab my family in one hand and God in the other and head out once again - then I'm good.
This was just a rambling mess I'm afraid, but stuff I needed to get out of my head. I had a lovely weekend - one of the best weekends I think I've ever had with my family. It was beautiful. We took part in the Kiddie Parade downtown - it was so cute and so much fun. I've attached a pic that my friend Julie took for us. Yes, I know - we all have matching shirts on - hey - I live in a small town, so I can get away with doing these dorky things! (much to my husbands shegrin) Seriously though, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. Spending time with them means more than I can explain. It's like - everything I experience now is amped up, so to speak. Amazing to experience. What a blessing. Hope everyone had a wonderful and safe 4th of July.
God Bless -
Dina, I think you are definitely on the right track with the blog, the community support,of course, God, prayer, and FAMILY! Not necessarily in that order. You are an inspiration to each of us who has followed your story. You have your head on straight and sounds like doing so many wonderful things in your life. In spite of.... I totally understand how you feel about family; our family doesn't live here and it has really been a challenge for us to go through Hermon's two years of illness without that close support. Of course, everyone is supportive, but not around. So my sweet Uncle Charles from Ft. Worth is bringing Aunt Jean and Evelyn over this week. I can hardly stand myself; I am so excited. They spend the summers and Christmas in their mt. house near Taos,NM. We have become very close once again. Nothing like it. They are lots of fun. Your darling Madeline hit the nail on the head with her family comment. Remember, I too, am your sister in Christ and I love you very much, also. God bless. Big Hugs, Sheila Adams
ReplyDeleteGod asks you to be honest. He asks you to tell him what your feelings are and then he asks you to let them go! He is taking care of you no matter how painful it is. Your answer will come.
ReplyDeleteHe has already given you many answers. Hold on to those, remember them, they are important.