I've Got Cancer Eyes....Ew.

I had a wonderful day with my kids - and can I say this, I see them so differently now. It's like I can see them so much clearer than I ever have before. I can see their personalities just bleeding out of them, it is the coolest thing ever. I know it sounds corny, but I see these tiny little moments they have that I swear I never paid attention to before. These tiny little moments they have in their own space that they aren't even aware when I am watching, and I just get filled with this immense love for them. It is so hard to describe. I am the most content just hanging on the floor with my kids - laughing, reading books, tickling, singing - it is just where I am at the most peaceful place - and I'm telling you - I NEVER would have believed that to be true 6 months ago - no frickin way. I was too 'busy' tending to things, emailing, cleaning ( my GOD was I cleaning), laundry, bills - and now, I just let it get done when it gets done. I do most of my stuff when they are in bed - it's so much quieter then anyway - and if I get tired, I finish the next night. Big woo - it gets done when it gets done. I can't believe I feel this way, because I am ( or was rather) so not the kind of person to feel that way, ever. I heard it when people told me what was really important, I just never applied it. Now, I'm living it. It is amazing. And I'm enjoying my family at their fullest capacity - it is simply amazing. So - a big THANK YOU out to cancer tonight folks, for giving me 'cancer eyes' to see things more clearly. Hear me hear people, so you don't have to order your own - you can have my information for free - k?

The last two weekends here have just been too busy for me I think. I have people up to 'help' me, but I can't help but play hostess. And that stresses me out. So I don't think I can play hostess anymore. I thought I was OK w/ it, but I continually stress that everyone is tended to, enjoying themselves, sleeping well, eating well, having regular bowel movements (just kidding, but seriously, I worry way too much about people). Ironically enough, PJ and I were having a conversation about how to help my mom who is having cataract surgery, and try to be more active in tending to his father who is in and out of dr appts right now - and it was like we were talking about my chemo appointments as just that - appointments we had to just fit into the schedule - it started becoming just 'something we do' and I didn't like that feeling. See, I continue to appear strong and together to people, outside of my home, so I get treated like I'm just the same old Dina - and I start to act like I'm the same old Dina - but I'm not. The emotional and spiritual side of me needs to be fed, and my treatments need to be focused, positive and spiritual times for me - that is what has gotten me this far, and it's what will continue to grow and get me through to the end of this. So - in a nutshell, I need to put myself first and allow myself what I need through this time - and that will continue to be difficult for me, but I hear God telling me - when I get stressed, that is Him telling me to slow down and refocus on what is important. That little voice inside you? Yea, that's Him. I gotta listen to Him. Because this isn't just an appointment, it's frickin chemo! I'm fighting for my life here and I need to focus. (does this sound like a pep talk or is it me?). So - focus it is.

Tomorrow is Taxol only, and I get to come home to my lovely niece who has been sent here from MA to help me for 10 days w/ the girls. She is an amazing kid, and I can't wait to see her. She hasn't even met Ginger yet, so this will be a real treat.

I will be wearing my new t-shirt to treatment tomorrow, is says 'Mmmmmmm - Chemo' along with my matching coffee mug. We'll see how this goes over. I thought it was hilarious. And I'm actually thinking about videoing a treatment and posting it here - so everyone can see what this is like. I know I always had a weird picture in my head of what people went through when I heard they were having chemotherapy, I thought it might be interesting to show it here for anyone who was interested. I'm going to check that out tomorrow to make sure it's cool to do that. If so, and my brilliant husband can figure out how to post it, I'll most likely video my next treatment.

I thank my prayer warriors today, who are such a soft place for me to fall each week. Thank you my dear, dear friends - for listening, for speaking, for comforting, for praying. I am forever blessed.

Game On! tomorrow - Bring It On - God Bless