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I have breast cancer and am a snappy dancer

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Retaining Water - Everyone's Water.

This is really one of the most frustrating things - I'm gaining weight like crazy now, and I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm so tired this week (this was supposed to be my off week where I felt great - NOT!) and achy and yukky feeling, I can't muster any energy to exercise, much less the time to do so. All the steroids they put me on each week isn't helping either. I'm going to really focus on my eating habits. This is something I can control, so why not start there. Not that we've been eating poorly, but paying closer attention will help. It's funny, anything that is processed, I can't taste very well - all fresh vegetables and fruits taste wonderful to me. So, can't get a better hint than that, eh?

I'm a bit frustrated as well this evening, with the need to be me, and not able to be because of this treatment, and the fear that I'll forget who I was when this treatment is all over with. I played outside with my girls this afternoon and got so tired, I had to come in after 30 minutes. Madeline pleads with me to stay outside, and Ginger cries as I pick her up to come back inside, and I just feel awful. I mean, at least we got outside this afternoon at all - right? I just feel so guilty that I cannot be the mom I want to be to them. On the other side of this, we do all laugh a lot, and cuddle, and kiss and hug an awful lot. I try to do fun things with each of them everyday - I just wish I could do more. I will, I know, it's just hard.

We've got a busy weekend planned, I get to finally meet someone tomorrow night that I've been wanting to meet for awhile - someone that reached out to me through a friend of mine, who lives in my community, is around my age and has a similar situation as mine. It will be nice to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through, and trying to raise her family at the same time. I have a high school friend visiting us from back east on Sat. I haven't seen this friend for 20+ years, I'm really looking forward to it. Sunday is my niece Brittany's birthday so we'll head down to Phoenix for lunch with her - that will be nice. Well, I had one weekend of hibernation at least!

I'm really kinda funky tonight and wicked tired. I haven't been able to get myself into bed this week until well after midnight, and I'm gong to try to get to bed earlier tonight. I'm hoping for an attitude adjustment here pretty soon too, need to get past this funk this week and get to fighting this thing again. It's funny, my off weeks always seem to screw with my head. Stupid cancer.

Thank you for all your prayers, we are forever grateful. Bring on the bean sprouts!!!!!

God Bless -

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Does this new side effect come with fries?

Madeline was a little under the weather today so we missed our playdate, which is a bummer - but the last time I went ahead and went when she was sick she just got even sicker, so this time we stayed home. We had a pretty good day regardless, when I put Ginger down for her morning nap Madeline and I had a tea party, with the BIG GIRL tea set. It was lovely. Animal crackers and water never tasted better! She is getting to be such a big girl, I'm just loving this age. She is really starting to joke with you and laugh and be silly. It's fun.

I should post a picture of what my head looks like now - this is the strangest thing. I'm growing hair - not all over like normal, but a thin layer all over. And it's really super light - blondish white colored. I'm calling it my chemo hair. Seriously, it's long enough so when I take my scarf off it's all kind of lying down now in this weird pattern - I have serious scarf head. Maybe this is because my regime is so different from anyone I've met - I've already had more treatments than most have to endure. Most chemotherapy patients do it for 'preventative' reasons after surgery, so it's like 6 treatments 3 weeks apart. I go once a week for three weeks for 6-12 months. So maybe my body is learning to live with it quicker since it gets it more often? Or maybe it's because I continue to take my prenatal vitamins? Who knows, everybody is different, boy am I learning that. Everyones experience is very different.

I'll post a pic of my chemo hair when the chemo cam posts - it's almost here, I promise, PJ is actually working on that right now. See - I really wanted to work on it, but the software is on his main computer which is in his office, which is in our garage. Now, I can tolerate a lot of things, bugs, are not one of them. I don't do the whole bug thing - I won't even pretend to. So when you are working in the garage at night, in the summer, in Arizona, you have to keep the doors open cuz it's frickin HOT in the evenings. Then all these bugs come in - and remember, I don't do bugs. So, PJ is working on the chemo cam software. Yay for him.

I got to experience another wonderful side effect that I thought I had already experienced, until today. I knew that nose bleeds were a side effect of the Avastin, and I've had minor ones here and there, mostly after I blow my nose to hard or something, made sense. Today however, was a whole new ballgame. I was just sitting in my girls room playing with Ginger when the second one hit, blood just came running out of my nose out of nowhere. I yelled for Madeline to bring me Kleenex, which she did, she is such a good helper to me - but this happened 3 times today - just out of nowhere. The last one this evening happened when I was cleaning the kitchen, I had to lean over the sink! It lasted for a good 10 minutes or so before I got it to stop. This, is really yukky. I'm going to call my dr in the am and just let her know for her records, this is probably totally normal, I've just never experienced something like this before, so it was a little freaky. Plus in front of my kids was a weird feeling too - although Madeline seemed more eager to help than be freaked out. She rocks.

On another note, I had 3 different friends today tell me things they were hesitant to because of what I'm going through. First off, I am so touched they were thinking of me - that, was a lovely gesture on their part. But what I realized was me being their friend was as much of a part of who I am as them being mine. Does that make sense? I want to show up for them, because that is what they deserve, just as I have deserved them showing up for me. Cancer or no cancer, I'm still Dina, and so want the 'normal friendship' I once shared with my friends. I don't want my friendships to just be about me and my cancer - because that is my life right now, yes, but everyone has their lives too, and even though they may not be experiencing cancer, thank God, they still have shitty things happen and awesome things happen. It's all relative - we all have crap we're dealing with - you can't put a grade on the crap - no ones is better or worse than then other, it's all just pretty much crap. I have to admit, I've lost a couple friendships over this, and I may not ever really know why, and that frustrates the shit out of me, because I ask 'why' a lot you see, way too much. But the ones I do have, and the new ones I've formed out of this, are so incredibly awesome, I can't even explain.

Then I realize, it's really hard for me to give like I gave before treatment - to give of myself to others, to help out, to volunteer, etc. Sometimes, I am trying so hard to remain like normal Dina, but it's hard. Before treatment I felt like there weren't enough hours in the day to get done everything I wanted to get done - now? I have trouble even remembering what I was supposed to do. I forget things, I feel like I'm moving through Jello some days - every day is different. It's so hard to be the 'mom on the go' with cancer. I just hope I can still be the friend to my friends that I was before cancer. I hope they want me to be. And by friends, I mean family too - some of my family members are my very best friends - who can say that with a straight face? I know treatment won't go on forever, I know this, but life doesn't stop just because Dina is in treatment (but wouldn't that be nice it it did, just for a day or so, give everyone the weekend off or something! I'd go buy a new hat I think!). In fact right now, I am very frustrated writing this - I can't seem to have a consistent stream of thought. Nor do I feel like I am expressing what I want to express in these words. Arg.

Well, I think I better cut my losses this evening. Madeline just came in all sleepy eyed and asked me about the horse in her bed (she is sleep walking here you see, something I can use when she is 16 or so and brings her boyfriend home to meet me) So I am going to go make sure she is snuggled all back in her bed now, and go to bed myself I think. Sleep is something that seems to cure just about everything with me, let's see if 'brain fart' is one of those things.

Thank you to Sarah for bringing me yummy dinner tonight, I always feel so much healthier when I eat your food - and SCORE on the wine, who knew organic wine would be the one wine I could actually taste - it was awesome.

God Bless -

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Title

It finally occurred to me today, the last time I had all these medications was when I completely broke down in front of that poor church lady who came to visit me. Ya know, now that I think of it, I haven't heard from her again. In any case, I remembered that this particular concoction of drugs took me about 5 days to recover from. Didn't feel real great again today, and a new side effect to add to the bag of tricks, is night sweats. Yes, they warned me chemotherapy could possibly send me into early menopause, and I believe this is exactly what is happening to me. We all know how much I LOVE sweating anyway, so this is just a real treat. So now, I'm taking 2 showers a day and changing my pillowcases daily. I know, you're jealous.

I did break down and cry this time too, only this time it was at my prayer circle. Thank you God for this, such a safe place for me to be, and share, and let go. I am so blessed to have this place and these people to go to each week. I've been a bit worn out about everything this past week - and just needed to let it out then let it go. My thanks to my lava lamp, otherwise known as Pastor Mary, and all my prayer warriors. Lisa, who seems to always know where I'm coming from without me having to speak a word, and of course my Jennifer. Jennifer said something remarkable to me today when I was leaving, she said that Thank God I didn't know about my breast cancer until after I had Ginger, because if I had known sooner, I never would have gotten pregnant. I never thought of this before, but she is exactly right. What a gift I have been given. And thank you Jennifer, for reminding me of just how precious my Ginger is. God certainly knew what he was up to.

Tonight has been a transition night for me - usually I am anxious in my off weeks because by not having my weekly treatment, I don't feel like I'm actively doing anything to fight this thing. This week, not in such a hurry to get back in there. I'm slowly building my momentum back up to start the next half of this fight next week. I'm getting there. Sometimes the side effects just get to me, they frustrate me, they piss me off, they make me cry, they tear me down, they give me pain like I've never felt before, they wear me out, they play on every insecurity I've ever had about myself. But then I remember what's really important - and I move on. I am allowing myself to experience all these feelings - because they are all very real feelings. Some people like to try to tell me how to feel - or like Pastor Mary says "Don't let people 'should' all over you". People 'should' all over me quite a bit - but these are my feelings, I own them, I feel them, I express them, then I plow right through it. See, I'm a big girl, I know when I'm being whimpy or whinny, I don't let myself stay there for long - but I let myself be that way if I need to.

I need to share with you something one of my dear friends in NY shared with me this morning, talking on this very subject - this is just an amazing expression of thought:

I would not wish what you’re going through on anybody Dina, truly. But don’t you think that everyone should go through SOME form of adversity? Just to gain the gift of knowing? Knowing that nothing is really in our control ultimately, but that it’s OK? I know it may sound a bit corny, but the whole idea of life is NOT to run through the maze searching madly for that piece of cheese and getting it, out of breath and frantic, but learning nothing of how we got there? WALK through, enjoy the journey (even if you are hungry), because “we may not be back this way again”?

Absolutely beautifully expressed. In fact, PJ and I were thinking about just this last night - wishing it didn't take what we are dealing with to give us the eyes we have now.

So I walk - at times hungry, very hungry, and enjoy this journey - it has already brought me so much beauty.

Thank you all who continue to pray for me and send me good vibes. I really needed it this week.
I'm getting all sweaty now, gotta go ;-)

God Bless -

Monday, July 27, 2009

Chemo Can't Kill Acne???

You'd think, despite all that one's body must endure going through chemotherapy, that perhaps you would be alleviated, at least through treatment, of the occasional blemish. But nooooooo, I have this bulbous red nose right now from a blemish. I complained to PJ this morning while I was putting on my make-up, "You'd think chemo would kill a couple zits since it's killing everything else!" and he replied "Nope, zits are like the cockroaches of your face - nothing kills them." Well, isn't that a lovely mental picture. My man, I love him.

PJ and I took Madeline to the movies this morning, and had a wonderful time. It was weird just being the 3 of us out, but a nice change too - a chance to give Madeline some one on one time. Then we had to drop off some remaining paperwork to Social Security. PJ and I had some great moments today. Funny, last post I mentioned we were kinda in our separate corners throughout the weekend. I think sometimes you need to separate for a minute to become closer. That's what happened to us today. Although we had normal days, we had some of the most intense, sporadic conversations. We talked about how blessed we are, that we live here, that we have such a network of friends and community around us supporting us, that our family is so incredibly wonderful and loving. We couldn't imagine doing this in NY - there is no way we would have this journey in NY. Not even close. (not knocking NY here, just choosing this journey through cancer over another potential journey is all - want to be clear to my fellow NY'ers) We talked about how we see so many things differently now, clearer, things mean more, certain things mean way less - that kind of stuff - and how some people have risen to the top as really getting it and showing up for us in ways we couldn't even imagine, and others we thought would show up for us quickly dashed out the back door. Then we talked about how if we could, would we trade all this back for not having this cancer - and sometimes, truthfully and honestly, we want to - but mostly, no. Who we are now, is who we were meant to become - and that continues to grow.

I had an emotional moment this too, really out of nowhere - once we got the kids to bed I headed to the bedroom quite quickly. I've been feeling really claustrophobic lately, and just had to change into my pajamas. My breasts have just been feeling, well, different lately. Like they don't fit my body - they just don't feel the same - and this must be the changes the Taxol is doing to me. My OB told me it was clear to him that estrogen has pretty much stopped in my body due to the chemotherapy, he could tell. (how I will not go into, but interesting to know). I stood there in the mirror and looked at my chest, scarring from the excisional biopsy on my right breast, my port and the tube you can clearly see outlined on my skin on the left side, and I just stared at my breasts - they looked pretty much the same, despite the above. But they don't feel the same - on the inside. I don't think I can really explain this the way I'm feeling - funny, that seems to be happening a lot during this process for me, and I always thought I was pretty good at expressing myself. They just feel, different. And I just cried - PJ came in and just held me - told me he loved me, and that he wasn't going anywhere - that he would always be right by my side. My body is just changing, and it feels different and weird and I can't control it and that is frustrating and scary to me all at the same time. It's like, you never knew your breasts felt any certain or particular way at all until they suddenly didn't feel that way anymore. It's so unsettling to me, a period of adjustment I suppose. Another one.

My husband is my best friend. He is the one person I always want to hang out with, the one I tell everything to, the one I laugh with, the one who not only do I cry with, but who cries right along with me, the one who lifts me up. We had the best night of talking tonight in a long time. It's true again, just when you think you can't get any closer to someone, you do - and it's amazing. My husband also told me tonight that I was the light of spirituality in our family that draws them all in, near and dear to God. I told him I don't much feel like a light very often, but he dismissed this comment. My family is my blessing - that is all I know.

I want to close with a line from an article PJ read to me this evening from Men's Health (hey, at least we're READING about people who exercise). This article was about a man and woman who had everything they could have ever dreamed, $$, Manhattan apt, kush jobs - then lost it all - and found out now that they are living with their parents, they were really hadn't lost that much at all, and had gained immensely in family and personal relationships. I know it sounds cliche, but the end of the article really hit home for me - it read:

Adversity, when embraced, tenders gifts - never the ones we want, but often the ones we need.

What this cancer has produced in me are gifts indeed. Although, sometimes embracing this feels like I'm wrapping my arms around a porcupine, but I guess even a porcupine has the ability to relax its quills. Timing, its all in the timing.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and good vibes -

God Bless -

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Shot of Optimism Please - Hold the Lime

This weekend has been exactly what we wanted - hibernation. Which is always a double edged sword with me - I want to hibernate and be quiet, then once I'm quiet, I can't sit still. Aaarrrggg - aggravating. Unfortunately, I've pretty much felt like crap all weekend. Achy, feverish, and this intense bone pain in my sternum and lower hip area, all very typical side effects of all the drugs they gave me last week. This time, it seems to tease me though. I will start to feel better, then BAM - start feeling shitty - then start to feel better, then BAM - you get the picture. And, it seems to happen when I am playing with my girls, which is REALLY frustrating. So we can add a layer of anger on top of this, how delightful. PJ and I kinda were in our separate corners this weekend as well, something I'm always caught off guard by when it happens, but understand it is needed in our relationship. I mean, we are together ALL THE TIME - literally. I'm sure he wants to just pull what's left of his hair out at times too - bless his heart. I like to think I'm an easy patient, but, everyone thinks they're that way - and well, you do the math.

I had meant to share a story that happened to me when Hailee was here - this is so funny. Since I've been in treatment, I've found myself really drawn to this body spray made by Bath and Body Works - it's from their aromatherapy selection called Eucalyptus Spearmint and it's known for it's "Relax" functionality, as far as aromatherapy goes. I had this since Madeline was born actually, to scent the room when we thought we were going to have her the 'natural' way - then we found out she was 9lb 4 oz 2 weeks before my due date - needless to say, natural childbirth was no longer on my list of things to do. In any case, I found this stuff under my sink and was really drawn to it since I started chemo, and I had noticed I was running low. So, I went to the mall to purchase more. Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one this happens to, but whenever I seem to like anything at Bath and Body Works, they discontinue it. But this scent I know I had seen for some time, because they make a hand soap as well, and I had recently bought some of that. So here I go to purchase some more of this body spray - and guess what - they've discontinued the body spray. (but they are now making the pillow mist, which they discontinued years ago but it has now reappeared - ??) I am extremely frustrated. Now the saleslady tells me that they have discontinued ALL the body sprays for the aromatherapy line - WHA? 'You mean everything!?" I ask incredulously. "Yes, all but one" she says to me. "Really, well which one are you carrying?" No lie - she says to me "This one, it's called Optimism". You're frickin kidding me, right? Well, I'm not an idiot - of course I'm going to buy a bottle of Optimism, wouldn't you? And ya know what, it doesn't smell half bad. Kinda flowery, but pretty. PJ likes it - that's good. To funny. If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what was. Now, I feel compelled to wear it all the time, like I'm committing some sort of 'aromatherapy bad karma' if I don't. Maybe that's the whole point? - Arg! They got me!

I've found myself quiet this weekend, like I wanted to be. And I think I was hoping for some answers or revelations, but none came. I wanted to know why I met my friend who passed this week - what was the purpose of this short lived friendship - to scare me? To make me fight harder? To open my eyes even further to this disease? I don't know. Then I thought of my childhood friend who took his own life this week - and wondered what that was supposed to teach me - or anyone - especially his family. I have such mixed emotions about that scenario - I switch from anger to grief and back and forth. I guess when you believe that everything happens for a reason, you also need to remember that the reason may not be revealed right away. It may take time to play out. Problem is, I'm not real patient when it comes to these things, so I need to pray for patience, and a clear heart to recognize it when it is revealed. Sometimes I think we can be so clouded by bullshit we don't see the message. And I need to see the message. These events are too vivid in my heart to not have some sort of intention revealed to me. And, please know, this is not about ME, I fully understand that - I want to see the message revealed, whomever it may concern, if that makes any sense.

My husband and I are going to take Madeline to her last summer movie tomorrow morning. I'm so excited to do this. Just the 3 of us. And, sorry to say the 'chemo cam' is delayed a bit - we've got all the footage off the camera, now I just need to take the time to learn this new software and edit this sucker down so you aren't sitting there watching like, 2 hours of me snoring on my pre-meds. So - we'll get it up this week for sure, just not sure when this week.

I can't thank you all enough for reading, for praying, for sending me good vibes - all that good stuff. Again, it is indeed working. Here's to my off week - no chemo, no blood work, no nothing this week - LET THE PLAYDATES COMMENCE!!! I love being Madeline and Ginger's mommy. :-)

God Bless -

Friday, July 24, 2009

You Can't Juggle On Chemo

I woke up this morning expecting to feel shitty, and surprisingly didn't - I was tired, but not sick feeling. So this was hopeful I thought. I thought about calling Nancy and telling her not to come over, but didn't. She came and I went back to bed as soon as she arrived, and seemed to sleep most of the day. Woke up around 2pm and felt good enough to send her home, then about an hour later, the achy feverish feeling started. This usually happens in the mornings when I wake up on Fri, so it was a little surprising to have it happen this late in the day, but as I continue through this process, nothing seems to stay the same, the experience is never the same, the way I feel never seems to repeat itself exactly as it happened the previous time. Strange. One thing that is consistent is the yukky taste in my mouth - I am constantly drinking water trying to wash this away, which is good too I guess.

PJ came in from working and I went back to bed for a bit, then he and the girls woke me up for dinner. Thank you Joanna for pizza, it certainly hit the spot tonight, and easy clean up was even more of a joy for me this evening. Thank you.

So I spent most of my day in my bedroom today, I have my desk and my computer in my bedroom, and when I haven't worked on my computer for a time, it defaults to start flashing through all the pics on my hard drive - which is a various array of things. I have come to terms in seeing myself before this fight - me with the long hair, the 'normalcy' of things it seemed, or as it can seem in pictures. I mean, don't you have those pictures you look at of yourself and you can remember exactly what was going on 'behind' the smile in certain pics? A strange exchange with someone, a small quarrel with your significant other, an inside joke that was shared just before the picture was taken, those types of things. I notice these things in pictures. And for the longest time, I was sad when I looked at these pictures, but now, I look at them and I just feel like I don't hardly know who that person is any more - and it was only 4 months ago! Not only do I look completely different now, I feel so completely different now. And I don't find myself particularly sad about this, not really. But, today, I looked at the pictures of PJ, and I realized today that he looks different now too - despite the fact that he shaves his head for me, those physical changes are obvious, but he too is a completely different person. We talked about this, that when you are just going on in life, you set these goals for yourselves, simple things like home improvement, major purchases, child rearing - those kinds of goals. The personal growth stuff you don't seem to plan on, do you? Then something like this happens, and the person next to you that you chose as your life partner, that you thought you couldn't ever be closer to, suddenly gets that much closer to you, and your relationship takes on a whole new light, raised to a whole new level. I know this doesn't happen to all people, and do not be fooled, I thank God every day for my husband - I was meant to meet him when I did, and live my life with him by my side, he is a gift to me. It's just really cool to know what once you think you've achieved the most, you get a 'bonus boost' in your relationship so to speak, and, well, so it took cancer to get it, what a blessing that is anyway, right? I mean without cancer, we wouldn't even know this level in our relationship. So as much as it saddens me to look at those pictures of him before this all went down and to almost covet the naivety on his face, on both of our faces, it blesses me to know the knowledge and understanding on each of our faces in current pictures. What we know now, is priceless.

I am going to try to call in an early night tonight. I have to say, it is the weirdest feeling to sleep all day - it brings me back to those days in my early 20's when you'd sleep till like, noon on Sat - I feel all lazy and loser-like - then I think, well, I won't be able to fall asleep tonight now, but I do. Sleep just seems to be the remedy for me, which isn't all bad. Thank God I have the people around me that allow me to do this with 2 young children. Thank God. I'm certainly not getting better all on my own, this is most definitely a group effort. It takes me, of course, but it takes God, my family, my friends, my church, my doctors, everyone who reads my blog, everyone who prays for me, everyone I don't know who holds me up in prayer - we thank all these people every night as a family when we say grace before dinner. Every night. Can you believe, little Ginger in her high chair, folds her little 15 month hands when we pray, is quiet while we pray (and she's not quiet very often) then says 'Amen' with her own unique intonation, when we're done. What my children are learning about people, about humanity, about goodness, and about God is immeasurable. Simply immeasurable.

I'm going into hibernation for the weekend, so please have a good one everyone. Going to have the remainder of the homemade ice cream then go to bed. My mommy made me homemade chocolate ice cream with white chocolate chips for my b-day last weekend. Tell me I'm not spoiled!

God Bless -

Thursday, July 23, 2009

What A Mixed Bag of Tricks

I woke up this morning and immediately went to check my email. I never do this. Something made me check it early this am. It was about 7 am. I saw an email from my friends husband who I mentioned in my last post - I had emailed them to see if we could come and visit. It seems now I was too late. My friend passed on Monday. She had triple negative breast cancer and she was in her early thirties. I am in tears at 7am on a Thurs morning. I know I only knew her a short time, but she touched my life - I connected with her in a way that is hard to describe. My doctor had told me when she had seen her just last week, she wanted her to tell me that she was so glad she met me, and that I was part of her journey. How precious is this gift? That she wished to send a message to me, someone she didn't know for very long either, a message, knowing we would never see each other again. Amazing, powerful, humbling, sad, and absolutely crushing. I know it is not for us to know 'why' - but I find myself wanting to know - why - why her - why did she get triple negative and I didn't - why did she not get to have children and I did - why why why. I do find peace in knowing she is not hurting anymore. The last time I saw her and she was having the reaction to her treatment, I could just see the fear on her face, and I was so compelled to somehow, someway take this fear away from her. I can't imagine the fear of your body reacting in ways you don't understand, and in ways you can't control. I mean, I kinda have a sense of that, but my fight isn't nearly what hers was. I can't imagine having something running wild with such a death vengeance through your body, how scary that must have been for her. It makes me cry every time I think about it. Her husband did say that she spent her last week with all of her family and friends around, eating all of her favorite foods. That, brought me peace. Who would want to go that way - surrounded by the people you love, with a wonderfully satisfied and full belly. Sounds almost heavenly. He also told me to keep fighting. I will keep fighting, for her, for me, and for everyone else with this bitch of a disease. At the risk of sounding completely infantile, it's just not fair. Please keep her family and friends in your prayers.

Needless to say, this week has run the gamut of emotions for me. PJ and I are in 'surreal' mode - we are laughing one minute and crying the next.

My doctor had given me some #'s regarding the mass removed from my right breast from the excisional biopsy - she measures this area every visit, and they believe all this is simply scar tissue from the surgery at this point, but it has shrunk from 4 x 3.85 on 5/27 to 2 x 1.7 on Wed, 7/22. Amazing. How blessed am I - this shit is really working, and it's working fast. They even used the "R" word for me when I'm off chemo (remission) as they would then place me on hormonal therapy - but I would continue the calcium treatments once a month to ensure my bones stay strong. Even though the cancer would no longer be 'active' in my bones, it still did it's damage in weakening my bones, so best to keep the calcium flowing. We're not sure if we are going to have another scan in Aug or not, my doctor says we will play it by ear. Fair enough. I need to just enjoy this news. As hard as that has been this week.

I wore my wig out this evening, totally spur of the moment. It felt kinda nice to 'blend in' for a change, but funny enough - I felt like I was hiding something. Isn't that funny? Like I was trying to pull one over on everyone. Madeline said "mommy, do you have a wig on your hair? Can I touch it?" Which of course I let her do, then she said "Is it real? You look very pretty with your new hair mom." Ginger would just look at me, she'd look at my face, then at my hair, then at my face, then at my hair - back and forth - kinda confused - it was very funny. We'll see how often this happens again, it was really weird.

I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend, resting and just being with my family. We need to regroup a bit here at the Mountcastle House. We haven't had a weekend to ourselves in a month now, and it's time. I think we're just going to hibernate this weekend, kinda shut the world away.

I wish I had more insight this evening, more things to say, but to be honest, I'm just kinda numb. I'm tired, starting to not feel real great, and with the gamut of emotions that has gone on this week, I think I just need to be quiet and still. Does that make sense? So that is what I'm going to do - go be quiet and still, and see if that helps.

I thank you all again for your prayers. They are certainly working. Thank you for your prayers for my friend. I miss her already.

God Bless -

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

She's Got A Ticket To Ride

We actually got in on time this morning for blood work, which came out great. White blood cell count was just a smidge low, so they elected to give me the Neulasta shot to boost me up for my week off next week, so I'll be all ready to start cycle 4 the following week. I'm looking forward to a week off. All in all my treatment went great today. We started treatment around 11:30 am and ended about 3:30 - so it was about 4 hours. Not bad for 6 drugs in one day. Arg. Tonight I feel fine, just feeling the annoying side effects of the steroid - flushed face and heartburn. Tomorrow I'll feel much of the same all day, then from tomorrow evening into Friday, the 'flu like' symptoms emerge - and last until mid afternoon. Then I'm really just tired until Sunday morning. I've got a handle on it - not fun, but not a big deal either. Small price to pay.

Had some bad news on my friend I had mentioned I met at chemo, the woman around my age who was really having some big challenges. Apparently, she was in the hospital for 10 days and is now at home w/ hospice care. I was just devastated to hear this, and just wanted so badly to see her and just hug her. All I have for her is an email address, so I emailed her and her new husband (they just got married) to see if we could come over and see them. I'm not making this about me - I own mine, and she owns hers - but only as respects that I think why her and NOT me? How does this disease pick who gets what? It is so frustrating and sad, and random, and scary. So many things. I just pray for peace for her, peace, and no pain. Please God no pain.

Last evening, I found out the father of a childhood family our family had grown up with had died. They are tentatively calling it a suicide. This too was obviously extremely devastating news. My mind has gone in a thousand directions with this. Again, my initial instinct was to find his children (all around my age) and hug them and just be there for them. I can't even imagine what this family is going through. Even though I haven't seen or spoken to them in years, I feel like I still know them - they were such a huge part of my childhood growing up. Just devastating. My father handles the insurance for them, as he and, let's call him Matt, have been friends for 35 years - can you believe it? My heart goes out to my dad who so badly wanted to help his friend, who had no idea he was thinking these thoughts. I personally don't think anyone who has these kinds of dark thoughts, and is serious about it, talks about it to anyone. I don't think anyone could have helped him. At least that's what I told my dad. Again, I pray for peace for this family, for my dad, for everyone close to this family as they try to sort through this.

Then we had to say goodbye to Hailee this evening, and that was just really hard for me. I think, this beautiful young person, who didn't bat an eye when she saw me this trip, and I obviously looked very different the last time she saw me, just loved on me more than I ever could have expected. I'm so proud of who she is, of who she's becoming, and who she wants to be. She's just awesome. I wanted her to stay longer. So we both cried this evening, hopefully I can convince her and my sister to get the whole family out here for Thanksgiving. We'll see.

Needless to say, it's been a roller coaster of a week, and it's only Wed. I know these drugs are gonna kick my ass this week, so I need to prepare for tomorrow evening into Friday. Things are going to be a bit more back to normal now, which my kids will certainly appreciate - I know Madeline will. She's been acting out lately and I know it's because of all the goings on this month. So I look forward to that.

The chemo cam went great today, but we need to view it and edit it - and since we just got home like, 20 minutes ago, this won't post this evening. We'll work on it this weekend and get it up for next week for sure. I'll set my goal for Monday. So keep a look out. We had a great little b-day celebration for PJ in Phx this evening. It was really fun, good time, laughs - the way it is supposed to be!!! I love it.

I need to sleep - it's been a long day/night/week and my mind is just racing in a million different directions. It's like I'm more drawn to these situations now than ever, like I have to fulfill a purpose but not quite sure what it is. I'll have to pray on this and see what I'm supposed to do. I'm sleepy - please keep these people in your prayers and good thoughts, they really need all the positive energy they can get. Sorry I won't share actual names, but that doesn't really matter in the long run.

I thank you Karen for my meal tonight, and Jeanie & Lisa for my meals last week that I forgot to mention - I'm sorry for that. It continues to be such a blessing that people keep helping me in this manner - it is such a great help. You will never know.

Good Night and God Bless -

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Big Mac Attack - How cliche'

My little Madeline had a stomach bug today. Just a little one, but it woke PJ and I up around 4am this morning. She was in our bed (on his side, thank you God) and she threw up. As I jumped out of bed to rush across to the other side of the house to get a rag, I hear him saying from our bathroom 'this smells just horrible!' and I started laughing to myself thinking 'duh! it's throw up! What do you think it's supposed to smell like?'. See - I have handled this in the past, not Dad, so this was new territory for him. She was ok - but we were basically up for the morning. She had a couple small spells throughout the day, but was still trying to do back flips off the couch, so I think we're ok.

How much do I just love that this happened? Not that Madeline is sick, not that at all, just the fact that life doesn't stop. It all just keeps happening, keeps going, and I still have to be called to be the best mommy to her that I know how to be - and for those moments I completely forget about my cancer, and that is really nice. Those are my best vacations from this thing, when I'm called to be what I was meant to be in this world. Pretty cool.

Speaking of cool, I took my niece to the prayer circle today, which was awesome, as usual. And here's what Hailee had to say when we walked out "That was intense! That was the coolest thing I've ever experienced, I'm so glad I came". Now, for a 16 year old, albeit mature 16 year old, to call my prayer circle 'cool' - I am beyond ecstatic for this for so many reasons. I don't know what I thought she would think, I know I wanted to try to explain it to her so she'd be prepared, and give her the choice to come if she wanted. That's about all I knew I wanted to accomplish. I'm just thrilled she got it. She said she felt so good about who I am and who I have surrounded myself around with out here, and that made me feel good too. We had a great conversation on the way home. I knew we were close, but this really just brought it all home for us. I love her so much and I HATE that she has to see me going through this at 16 - but she is an amazing young woman, and I know she will do great things in this life. How blessed I am to know her.

I can't even explain how much these Tues prayer times prepare me for this continued fight. It is indeed continuous, and there are so many things that I endure, and have had to become accustomed to, that just plain suck through this process - and these times remind me to keep on going. For this, I will be forever grateful. I don't much feel like getting into detail of some of the physical side effects that I am sadly just getting used to now - they are really personal, embarrassing, and just plain yukky. Who knows, maybe later - but now, no. And sometimes I think now, just three more months, you can do it! Then I get afraid to count on 3 more months, then I know that this is working and there is just as much of a chance that 3 more months very well may do it, as much as there's a chance that it won't - flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop. It is never ending. Then I calm myself, get quiet, and just be at peace. Whatever happens, I'm going to be just fine. I know it.

So - in my 'roid rage' this evening, I've sent my husband for a Big Mac. Yes, it's 10:30 pm and he went to get me a Bic Mac. I am married to the greatest man on the face of this earth. He did this for me when I was pregnant (and in Queens that is true love my friend) and he's doing it for me now. It's his birthday tomorrow, and he gets to spend it watching me at treatment having all 3 drugs. Lucky him. I have some special b-day donuts for in the morning, and we're going to drive Hailee down to Phx tomorrow night, and my mom has a little bash waiting for him - he deserves a little celebration too I think. I am so blessed once again. He takes such good care of me. He and I are closer now than we ever have been. And I must say, with Hailee here, we have all laughed more this week than we have done in quite awhile. Lovin the Laughter.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts - long treatment tomorrow so wish me luck. Game On! and Chemo Cam is charged and ready to go....

Oh - I've posted a couple pics of my niece and my kids from this weekend. We have had the best time, we will miss Hailee so much. God Bless -


Monday, July 20, 2009

The New Me - and then some.

So, the birthday weekend has come to a close. I'm kinda glad actually. Enough already. I can't say I've embraced the # 40 quite yet, but I'm rolling it around in my brain, trying it on for size, it'll come eventually I'm sure. My family celebrated with me - it was really nice, relaxing, and we ate way too much. Perfect.

I've really done some reflection this weekend. First of all, it was obnoxiously hot all weekend (thankfully the rain came Sun evening and tonight, lovely, simply lovely) But Saturday, my actual birthday, was hot and humid and just uncomfortable - and I was not feeling well at all to boot - I just wanted to jump out of my skin. Like I couldn't get comfortable and felt like I needed to shower all the time. It is hard to explain. I knew Sun morning when I woke up I felt a million times better. I think when I feel this way, I just need to sleep - sleep seems to alleviate any sort of weird ailment or symptom I seem to have. In an case, I spent a lot of time Sat napping, thus, the reflection. I've been thinking about who I am as a person, and before my diagnosis. Which feels like a century ago btw instead of only 3 1/2 months. I was so, well, anxious about the stupidest things. They of course didn't feel stupid at the time, they were really important, in fact, some of them still are important, I just don't get all worked up about it anymore. Funny thing was, I was already in such a good place on my spiritual path, at least that was in line to deal with this. It was just basically LIFE I was a bit off center on it seemed. I was worried about money, like we all are, we were pinching pennies everywhere, I was worried about laundry, I was worried about dinner, I was worried about my house being clean, I was worried about how fat I still was after having a baby, I was worried about my hair and how I couldn't seem to get it to look good no matter what I did, I was worried about what friends I had, and what friends I didn't have, I was busy judging friends, and wondering if they were judging me, I was worried about my family and how I was going to take care of all of them because they couldn't take care of themselves of course, at least not as well as I could take care of them, all these things. Then, you have a mammogram and your entire life turns upside down. And not the good upside down like when you have a baby, this is way different. It's like everything you thought you knew, the unspoken thing you always depended upon, the unspoken assumption that we will always be here on this earth until we are very very old, this assumption, like a rug we neatly lay out to stand on day in and day out gets stereotypically pulled out from under us and we fall. Fall square on our ass. Part of me wants all those stupid worries back, but then another part of me is kinda glad they are all long gone. Replaced perhaps with a different set of worries, but, certainly put in perspective, that's for damn sure. And - I'm not nearly as negative as I used to me - and maybe that was the NYer in me, (I still have that thank you very much, just a different channel now is all) or maybe I just found it easier to be negative about things, but I like the positive person I've become. And this is a positivity that is deep, deep inside me. I'm not skipping down the street all the time whistling This Land Is Your Land or anything, please, and it's not false hope either, like I'm kidding myself of anything. It's the knowledge that it's so much better to choose to be kind, to be caring, and try to make a difference in people's lives - it makes you feel so much better, and you do make a difference. I'm different, my kids and I are different, my husband and I are different, my mom and I are different. You know what, different isn't the right word there - it should be 'better'. I'm better - I'm better with all these people, and I never knew I could be, until cancer. Wow. Just writing that, took my breath away. A lot of this is God - I wouldn't have been able to do any of this soul searching if it weren't for my discussions with Him. So I thank Him for this self discovery, that keeps on bearing fruit for me - sort of a, 'spiritual smoothie' if you will.

This new found knowledge of mine comes in handy for me - seems when you have cancer, everyone wants to give you advice, or their opinion on what you should do, or their understanding of a relevant story or anecdote, or what a relative of theirs did, or what their wife's doctor told them, something. Not too long ago I would become the last thing I read or heard. I'm not doing that dance anymore. My cancer is just that - mine. My story is not anyone else's story - and what my doctor tells me may not be what other people's doctor tells them. I own this. There are a bunch of different kinds of breast cancer, did you know this? I didn't. Until I found out I had it - I didn't know ANYTHING about breast cancer - it's really interesting. I'm the type that just wants to know everything, all at once, so I can digest it and try to understand it. I know not everyone is like that, shit, I've spoken to cancer patients who didn't even know what kind of breast cancer they had - that would drive me nuts!!! But, everyone has choices in this life, that's the whole free will thing we got going - and I just choose information. Information is power to me, and boy, do I like power. You can ask the man I used to work for in NYC. Right Don?

Well, as I said when I started this blog, there would probably be times when it was a rambling mess - this I think, is one of those times. This helps me to sleep at night, to get these thoughts out, as jumbled as they may come across. It's funny, sometimes I just can't seem to find the right words in the English language to describe how I feel, like they haven't invented the words I need quite yet. Frustrating. Anyhow, thank you for all your prayers and good wishes. They are working.

Oh - and we saw Hotel for Dogs this morning, and I hate to admit this, but I cried, and thought it was really cute. Guess I am 40 now. Night Night.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Junior Mints - Big Box Size.

I am addicted to Junior Mints. There - I've said it. I really do feel so much better now. The first part of healing is admitting you have a problem I hear. So there it is. It is one of the few things I can taste - and I just found the most ginormous box of them being sold at Walmart. For $2.10. Can you believe it? I do believe they are fat free, not that it matters - for in the words of Kramer, 'they're wonderfully refreshing!!'. That they are.

Ok, moving on. Went shopping/errand running with the girls this morning, and although it was uncomfortably hot, we had a nice time. We had to get underwear for Madeline as my sweet little one has now out grown her first pairs of big girl panties (boo hoo). And may I say, do they not make just normal little girl panties anymore? These all look like hoochey mama panties - she's 3!!!!! What the hell??? So - JC Penny's had some kinda normal looking ones, that's the route we went. Got some smell good for me, and some fat girl pants as I now seem to be tipping the scales the other direction. My nurses are blaming it on the steroids. I don't know. It is so frustrating. Let's just say I don't look all skinny and sickly like most people on chemo - quite the opposite. Although the nice 75 year old man who came to visit us today seemed to be quite impressed with my 'girlish figure' - that is another story all unto itself - another time perhaps. I'll take the compliment though - you betcha.

Nice time w/ my girls today, and so wonderful to have Hailee here to help. She is such a joy.

I'm finding myself cautiously excited today about my chemo schedule news - I want to make sure the scans show the same continued progression - then I'll feel more comfortable. I know, I need to just trust, but it's so hard for me to allow that sometimes. I just want to make sure I keep doing exactly what we've been doing and not veer off in any other direction. I mean with everything, the prayers, the routine, the everything. I want to make sure it all stays the same as it has. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid, not sure. Might just be an initial reaction. Who knows.

Well, I'm not going to post for the next couple of days - it's just too hard on the weekends for me to post on Fri and Sat nights. Sun is always better. So I guess it's time for me to share the fact that I'll be turning 40 on Sat, and I have such mixed feelings about this. First of all, it's totally letting go of the 30's - which is a bummer. I mean, I always still felt kinda young to put the 30 in front of another number - even if it was 9 - ya know? Then, I think back to 6 - 8 months ago and me telling PJ that I wanted this big blow out party for my 40th - but since my diagnosis, I don't want any of this. I just want quiet - just quiet and just family around for no particular reason. I then find myself pissed too - that cancer robbed me of this moment, which is supposed to be a big moment, I think. 40 is a big deal to me. Do I feel 40? No - I feel like, I don't know - 38 I think - that is a good number. I guess I am reminded that we certainly are not in control of this life of ours - are we? My goodness no - we can plan, and plan, and plan, but what is going to happen is going to happen - and we have to just deal with it. So, although I'm still a little pissed I have to deal with it, I am. Shit, I'm just really glad I'm here for my 40th b-day. That in of itself is a blessing. There will be many more for me to celebrate. 41 is going to be my 40 - how's that? I'll have some hair then most likely, and will celebrate like a mad woman - and you're all invited - k? I may even have a cocktail or two - who knows?

I'm not feeling real hot this evening, so I'm signing off. My bad Fridays are starting to show up on Thurs evenings. My lovely husband cooked dinner tonight, then my lovely niece cleaned my kitchen. I can't wait till my girls can clean the kitchen, wow, my life will be changed forever. (it's the little things you see). Until then, tonight was just wonderful.

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes - have an awesome weekend and I'll talk to you all Sun evening. God Bless.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In the voice of the Swedish Chef from the muppets "mmm Port Port Port!!"

Today's treatment went well - very long - but well. I didn't even have those hot arms feelings this time like I had last time - so that was a blessing. The unfortunate part was that we got there at 10:30 and didn't leave until 4:00 - long day because they were wicked busy. And that, I found, to be very sad. I can't believe all these people have cancer - they all have stories, they all have lives to lead, they all have family member there supporting them and loving them. I guess I could see this as good, that they all are receiving treatment as well, but I was overwhelmed with just a sense of sadness, that any of this was happening in the first place. We were all doubled up in the treatment areas, so I got to meet Phillis today - she's from Cornville. She told me her whole story, and was very vocal in asking me about mine. She had a mastectomy and was going through preventative treatment - 6 treatments every 3 weeks. She said to me as I was telling her my story, that she was 'lucky' that she was diagnosed at age 58, that her kids were grown already and didn't have little ones like me. She also told me as I was telling her my story, that she was 'lucky' that hers was caught early and hadn't spread yet, like mine. I heard these comments, but continued to answer her questions - and then felt - hey - I'm lucky too dammit - I'm lucky to have my family, my friends, the chemo and medical staff around me and to now know it is all working, my God by my side guiding me through this - I'm pretty frickin lucky myself thank you very much. Jeez - she obviously was reassuring herself of her own fears with these comments. I know, I am a young woman with a serious illness, and some people find that a serious threat to their own mortality. Some people get scared, and this is the only way they know to react. It's cool - I don't need a strangers reassurance, I've got plenty of other those in place for me already.

So I need to share something very sweet that happened this morning when I woke up. I got up before everyone else (I LOVE when this happens - the house is so quiet) and decided I would take a shower. When I got out, Madeline was sitting there waiting for me. I got her to the potty and we started chatting. She looked on my vanity and she saw my bracelets that I wear every day - she said "Mommy, these are beautiful jewels - where did you get them?" and I said "yes, they are beautiful - these are jewels from some friends of mine. They gave them to me because they know I am sick and it makes me feel better. With these, and my family and friends, and the dr's, and the medicine, and God - Mommy is going to get better" and Madeline promptly responded "and Jesus too Mom - don't forget him!" Is that not the most precious thing ever? I told her she was right, and that I wouldn't forget him. ;-)

I was given some great news today on my length of treatment. My oncologist said that considering the last ct scan, I will most likely be done with chemotherapy in 6 total treatments. That would mean I would be done in Oct of this year, then switch to hormonal therapy. I can't even tell you how elated I was to hear this news. We would then talk about my surgery, and she said we would really need to discuss her thoughts, my thoughts, and my surgeons thoughts on if I still needed a double mastectomy at this point - since I was convinced that is what I needed in the beginning, before we knew of the metastasis. She felt a mastectomy of the primary site only, my right breast, would be needed. This, my dear friends, is a miracle in of itself. I'm going to ask for another CT scan end of Aug, then another obviously end of Oct - to see that we are progressing as expected, but I am so full of joy and hope and love with this news.

She then gave me while I was waiting for treatment, a book to read. It's called, You Don't Have To Die When Your Doctor Says by David Elliot. Now, I was a little take aback when she gave this to me by the title alone. But I thanked her and of course, dug right in. It is amazing. I want to share just a portion here tonight before I sign off - because I think anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer, of any kind, or any kind of other serious disease or disability needs to read this book.

Exercising your right to choose is an act of human dignity. I'm with the Bible on this one; we have the freedom of choice. Does that mean we choose and then wait and see if God decided to grant us, or not grant us, what we chose? I don't think so. What sort of choice is that? I believe God empowers and supports all our choices. The problem is that we make a lot of our choices automatically and unconsciously, based on old beliefs and assumptions we have forgotten and that are no longer serving us. So now, in the present moment, we choose again. Decide for yourself how long you are going to live.

I thought this was very powerful and it spoke to me.

My niece is here with us, she arrived today and she just scooped up my kids and started loving on them immediately. I am so blessed to have her here to help me and hang with me. She gave me the biggest hug and continues to just randomly hug me. People with cancer luuuuuuv hugs - you should know this. It is so great. I'm going to go hang with her for a little while longer, then I'm off to bed.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts all - they are working. God Bless.

OH - 'Chemo Cam' is coming, got the OK from the medical staff today, so we'll record next weeks treatment. It'll be a hoot! Night Night.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I've Got Cancer Eyes....Ew.

I had a wonderful day with my kids - and can I say this, I see them so differently now. It's like I can see them so much clearer than I ever have before. I can see their personalities just bleeding out of them, it is the coolest thing ever. I know it sounds corny, but I see these tiny little moments they have that I swear I never paid attention to before. These tiny little moments they have in their own space that they aren't even aware when I am watching, and I just get filled with this immense love for them. It is so hard to describe. I am the most content just hanging on the floor with my kids - laughing, reading books, tickling, singing - it is just where I am at the most peaceful place - and I'm telling you - I NEVER would have believed that to be true 6 months ago - no frickin way. I was too 'busy' tending to things, emailing, cleaning ( my GOD was I cleaning), laundry, bills - and now, I just let it get done when it gets done. I do most of my stuff when they are in bed - it's so much quieter then anyway - and if I get tired, I finish the next night. Big woo - it gets done when it gets done. I can't believe I feel this way, because I am ( or was rather) so not the kind of person to feel that way, ever. I heard it when people told me what was really important, I just never applied it. Now, I'm living it. It is amazing. And I'm enjoying my family at their fullest capacity - it is simply amazing. So - a big THANK YOU out to cancer tonight folks, for giving me 'cancer eyes' to see things more clearly. Hear me hear people, so you don't have to order your own - you can have my information for free - k?

The last two weekends here have just been too busy for me I think. I have people up to 'help' me, but I can't help but play hostess. And that stresses me out. So I don't think I can play hostess anymore. I thought I was OK w/ it, but I continually stress that everyone is tended to, enjoying themselves, sleeping well, eating well, having regular bowel movements (just kidding, but seriously, I worry way too much about people). Ironically enough, PJ and I were having a conversation about how to help my mom who is having cataract surgery, and try to be more active in tending to his father who is in and out of dr appts right now - and it was like we were talking about my chemo appointments as just that - appointments we had to just fit into the schedule - it started becoming just 'something we do' and I didn't like that feeling. See, I continue to appear strong and together to people, outside of my home, so I get treated like I'm just the same old Dina - and I start to act like I'm the same old Dina - but I'm not. The emotional and spiritual side of me needs to be fed, and my treatments need to be focused, positive and spiritual times for me - that is what has gotten me this far, and it's what will continue to grow and get me through to the end of this. So - in a nutshell, I need to put myself first and allow myself what I need through this time - and that will continue to be difficult for me, but I hear God telling me - when I get stressed, that is Him telling me to slow down and refocus on what is important. That little voice inside you? Yea, that's Him. I gotta listen to Him. Because this isn't just an appointment, it's frickin chemo! I'm fighting for my life here and I need to focus. (does this sound like a pep talk or is it me?). So - focus it is.

Tomorrow is Taxol only, and I get to come home to my lovely niece who has been sent here from MA to help me for 10 days w/ the girls. She is an amazing kid, and I can't wait to see her. She hasn't even met Ginger yet, so this will be a real treat.

I will be wearing my new t-shirt to treatment tomorrow, is says 'Mmmmmmm - Chemo' along with my matching coffee mug. We'll see how this goes over. I thought it was hilarious. And I'm actually thinking about videoing a treatment and posting it here - so everyone can see what this is like. I know I always had a weird picture in my head of what people went through when I heard they were having chemotherapy, I thought it might be interesting to show it here for anyone who was interested. I'm going to check that out tomorrow to make sure it's cool to do that. If so, and my brilliant husband can figure out how to post it, I'll most likely video my next treatment.

I thank my prayer warriors today, who are such a soft place for me to fall each week. Thank you my dear, dear friends - for listening, for speaking, for comforting, for praying. I am forever blessed.

Game On! tomorrow - Bring It On - God Bless

I Love My Dad

Today was ok - although I didn't sleep very well. I had the most bizarre dreams - mostly of my Uncle and family and such. Madeline had crept into bed with us again last night and felt my anxiety as she continually kicked me all night. Oh well - what's a nights sleep anyway - int he big scheme of things, right?

Madeline and I went to see our Monday morning movie this morning - and had a great time. Although I think I enjoyed the movie more than she did - I think I just enjoy being at the movies since that just doesn't happen very often. Then we drove into town to drop off my Social Security paperwork. All very normal Monday stuff. I love normal. OH - so my neighbor drops by this morning to give me fresh peas and green beans from her garden (yum!) and I totally forgot to put on my scarf. Isn't that funny! I was JUST blogging about that yesterday. It didn't even occur to me to put it on. Maybe I'm making progress. And ya know, she was fine - just fine. In fact, she said "look how cute you look!" before I even realized I didn't have it on.

My girls were just wonderful today - I swear, sometime I just don't think I can hug them tight enough - or kiss them enough - I just can't get enough of them. I just soak them up - much more so now than I ever did before. I am so blessed. I really don't worry about house work, I get it done when they are napping - if they nap - otherwise, I play with them and love on them (and discipline, they aren't THAT perfect) all day long. If there is one thing cancer has taught me, it is to soak up people - just be saturated with them. (well, most people, there are those few that you want to saturate somewhere else please) And being saturated by children is most fulfilling.

I went to see my Dad tonight and chat with him. I love my Dad so much - it took us a long time to get to the place we are in our relationship. Mostly because of me, not him. I was young and bitter and angry and full of angst like most girls in their teens and 20's - then in my 30's I finally figured it out. I realized he was the only Dad I had, and that I needed to get to know him as a person to see how we got along - and surprise! I was JUST like him. I could never be so proud. It was no nice tonight to be able to just pop over and hang out and chat w/ him and Nancy. They are such a key part of our support system, I know we could not do this without them - or at least not do this very well. How very blessed I am.

I'm very tired tonight, and hope I am not catching a cold. Haven't quite felt myself this week - so I am off to bed. Ironically enough, my devotional for today was so on the mark, I want to share just a little bit here. I hope to achieve this sense of peace - it's by a woman named Pam Brown - she writes:

During the course of chemotherapy treatments, my body changed. I was very thin with a few sprigs of hair sticking out of my scalp. My skin was pasty white, and even though I slept a lot, I had dark circles under my eyes. I share this with you not to discourage you, but to let you know that you're not alone if you are wondering who that woman in the mirror really is. The good news? I quickly gained back the weight and lots of hair, and although I don't sleep nearly as much now, I don't have circles under my eyes anymore - maybe just a few wrinkles! But I came to understand that my body and mind, although crucial to my survival on earth, were not the essence of who I was then, or who I am today. I came from God and will return to Him when my time is here is done. With that knowledge, cancer lost much of it's grip on me. It could never have the 'real me'. That part was already taken. It had been bought and paid for on the cross of Calvary.

I can only aspire to this - I know I'm not there yet. But close. Thank you to all for your thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

My Ears Are Giant Bug Zoos

PJ did just great all - thank you for your prayers and funny anecdotes! Friday went fine for him, and he got to be lazy all day yesterday then we were up for church this morning, so all is good and well here. My brother in law and partner were up to help up for the weekend, and we got to laugh and talk and just be together which was so nice. I just love having my family close - it is such a blessing. Even better that we have a family that we WANT to spend time with, that is a blessing in of itself, eh?

I haven't been feeling real great this weekend, I have the feeling my body is struggling to stay healthy - like it's fighting something off. Since chemo started - it feels like everything in my body is heightened - or I'm way more in tune to what my body needs from me - it's strange. So today, after church, PJ watched the girls while I took a nap - a 3 hour nap, a 3 hour nap (to the tune of Gilligan's Island) - guess I was tired. Well, Fri night I didn't get much sleep - it was kinda funny, Madeline comes in around 3am, gets in bed, I wake up nauseous at 4am, take an anti-nausea pill, then PJ wakes up and can't sleep so he turns on the TV in the bedroom which wakes Madeline up so they both start watching some dog show on animal planet and whisperingly comment throughout while I try to sleep. Oy vais. And, heellloooo - could it be any more hot and humid yesterday? I know, it's not Phoenix - but still. I was out running errands w/ Joe and I wish I could just not wear my scarf - it is like a major sweat box on my head!!! I know, PJ says this too - "just don't wear anything out of you don't want to." Well, here's what I've discovered about myself - it makes me uncomfortable when others feel uncomfortable. This is the same reasoning that makes me rush to put on a scarf when someone rings my doorbell - I'm not embarrassed - ironically enough. I thought for sure that was why I did this initially - but when I really had a talk w/ myself on this behavior, it was to avoid the look in someone else's eyes - the uncomfortableness, the awkwardness - the hurt. I would then feel compelled to alleviate this feeling for them, because that is who I am, so to avoid it all together, I put on a scarf. Problem solved - sweaty, but solved.

I spoke with an old NY friend today, someone I haven't spoken to in about oh, 4-5 years I guess? It was so comforting to hear her voice. We had a great conversation and caught up, and in discussing my 'cancer' I realized something - it's funny, things come to you when talk out loud, even to yourself, rather than stay in your head w/ stuff. Anyway, here's a theory because I continue to battle with myself about how I 'feel' not matching how I 'look'. Do you think it is possible that we, subconsciously, decide our physical selves from the way we feel? We are constantly trying to make us look the way we feel? Funny thing about chemo, you no longer have that control - so you can only base things on the way you feel - but it's like the other part is missing because we've gone through our entire lives trying to get both of these sides, physical and emotional (or spiritual) to match, right? Now I'll be be boppin through the house and suddenly realize when I look in the mirror, that my physical self is not the representation of how I feel - and I find this extremely frustrating. When it's something you've been able to control for so long, and then lose that control, it is very frustrating. But who is to say this is a bad thing? Learning to release myself from my physical self has been a lesson, no - this CONTINUES to be a lesson for me - and one that continues to bring reward to me on many levels - as frustrating as that can be!!!

In church today, I was taken by a portion of the prayer we said as a congregation at the beginning of the service. It said "May a spirit on neighborliness grow, for it is that spirit that your will is done on earth." I never thought of God's will in this light before. This is something I've obviously struggled with in my other posts, and I think this really resonates with me in a way nothing else has. God's will grows through the good deeds we do for one another - what a concept!! No wonder it makes us feel so good to help one another - it makes perfect sense. That would be an, A-Ha moment I guess? Hmmmm, who knew.

My mom just phoned me while I am blogging here, and has informed me that my Uncle, who was battling cancer, has passed this evening. In fact, he passed about 20 minutes ago. My instinct was tears, now, I am filled with such peace for him, I know he was and had been in so much pain for quite awhile. I am filled with peace for him that his 2 children and wife were there when he passed. I am sad that with this life, we must embrace death as well, and that just never seems to be an easy thing to do. For me anyway. I always wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all better - knowing people are hurting is probably the one thing that continues to break my heart. Please keep him and his beautiful family in your prayers. They have a difficult time ahead. I told my mom, who reached out to talk to me with this news, to pray for him - and talk to him through prayer. That maybe the one thing she needed to do right now was talk to him - and she could, anytime.

God Bless -

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Love Those Berry Flavored Tums......

So it seems my fatigue has come early this treatment. This was most likely aggravated by the fact that I was up until almost 1am completing the social security stuff last night - then up taking care of 2 little ones by 6:30 - hmmmmm, genius deduction? Duh. Today I had the acid reflux pretty bad, but my sinuses haven't been too bad, we'll see what tomorrow morning brings as they usually strike on Fri mornings then seem to last all week. The humidifier in our room at night has helped immensely.

Madeline still comes and climbs in bed with me each night - I think maybe she has slept in her bed maybe, 2 nights since I started this journey? It's like she knows to be with me. Strange. She always wakes up and looks at my face and touches it lightly with her fingers, then closes her eyes again and gives a little 'mmm' sound. It is the sweetest. She is so cuddly. I'll take every moment of it. No matter how crowded our bed gets. I mean, that's why you get a king size, right? And Ginger is just content to be in her crib and sleeps through the night, has since about 8 months old. Thank you God. She now motions to rub my head, it makes her giggle to rub my fuzzy, stubbly head. It is really quite cute. When I'm wearing a scarf or something, she'll take it off of me just to rub my head.

PJ goes tomorrow for his vasectomy - and he and my dad went out tonight to have their manly time. Whatever that means. I'm so touched and blessed that my husband and my father are such good friends. It warms my heart to see that they like each other, love each other, respect each other. It is like every girls dream to see the man that she loves and her father become close. Again, I am so blessed. PJ loves spending time w/ my Dad - and I can't blame him. My daddy is a pretty good hang.

I haven't been feeling very well today, and I need to be rested up for tomorrow to take PJ to the doctor. He's getting this done in Cottonwood, so it'll be a little trek. PJ's brother and partner are coming to help me tend to the girls and PJ for the weekend since we never know how I"ll feel those first couple days after treatment. It just never seems to stay consistent, very frustrating. Like today, felt like shit today, and I usually don't feel this way until Fri - go figure.

I need to thank my friend Jennifer tonight - she and I talked a long time this evening about some anxiety I've been having, and she is just that friend that spells things out to you in a way you need them spelled out - does that make sense? She had the words tonight that really put my mind at ease, and focused me in the right direction. I am ever so thankful for Jennifer - she has been the rock that keeps me solid, and the soft place to fall when I am weak. When she prays w/ me I experience such peace and comfort - I thank God for her being in my life, and for the privilege of being her friend. We all need people in our lives that lift us up and hold us high - I remember a time, many times actually, in my life where I surrounded myself with just the opposite of people - because I thought I deserved that in some f*cked up way - I didn't realize we have choices in this life - we choose who we associate with, and choose the energy with which we surround ourselves with. I know I try to encourage those who choose to live in the negative, because I think that is all they really need to hear, consistently is encouragement and love, but I will always choose the positive path. It is so much more brightly lit!

Enough of my Tylenol PM induced babble - say goodnight Gracie -

Good night Gracie -

God Bless.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Cancer? I hardly even knew her!!

Treatment went great today. My blood count was all normal and great - thank you God. I had Avastin and Taxol and it all went great. At the very end of my Taxol treatment, I started getting a slight reaction - and it's only at the very end of the treatment - this happened last time too. It's like my arms get really hot and the heat starts to creep up my chest heading towards my face - so I close my eyes, breathe through it and tell myself to relax and fill myself with peace, then it goes away. Weird. Maybe it's because I'm not taking all the steriod pills the evening before that I used to take. Who knows. With the exception of those trivial couple of minutes, it went fine. I was super tired this time though after treatment. Like wicked sleepy. So we came home and Madeline and I snuggled on our bed for a little while, only to have her fall asleep, not me. Well, it was relaxing lying there watching her sleep - she is such a little angel.

While we were at treatment today, we noticed there were all new faces this time, no familiar ones. Which we found depressing. Also a little depressing that I was the 'old hat' at this today. Humpf. In any case, we over heard an exchange between a new patient and the nurse. She advised this gentleman, who was there with his wife, that they would be there for approx 5 hours - the first treatment was going to be a long one, and that they will need to schedule them earlier in the day perhaps next time to help acoomodate this a bit better. These people freaked out - they said that they couldn't possibly stay for 5 hours because their puppy was in the house and they needed to let him out, that their grandson with autism was coming home and 3 and they needed to tend to him (yes, in this order) and then the man said "if I can't be out of here my 3 everyday then this just won't work". Are you kidding me? Let's see, um, saving your life, or maybe thinking to plan ahead for some of these things beforehand, eh? I just couldn't believe this arguement was happening - seriously. They left! They didn't receive any treatment!! I know it is certainly their choice for this treatment - but to think of all the people that don't have this treatment available to them, for whatever reason, and then hear this just broke my heart. So interesting to hear different people express their priorities. We all have choices in this world, we all do.

I did ask for a copy of my medical report from last weeks CT scan and you won't believe the numbers. Get this, the lesion on my liver went from 4 x 2.5 cm to 1.6 x 1.3 cm - can you believe this!!!! The dr said "this is great!" and I said "no - this is God!" I'm so thrilled to have this news. I think I needed it in writing in front of me to actually believe it. This is just after 6 treatments - thank you God for the right drug. I feel very good about the direction we're going - it made going to treatment today so much different than any of the ones before - I had much more purpose today, much more determination, much, much more hope. It felt really good - really sleepy, but really good. And, we've achieved some more 'unremarkables' in my kidneys, spleen, great vessels (what is THAT?) and bowl loops (ok, ew!) but I'll take these 'unremarkables', not matter what they are.

Came home to a yummy meal from Lori, thank you thank you thank you. Madelne thanks you for her very favorite pasta noodles of all time, and Ginger devoured them as well. It is so perfect to not have to worry about this on my treatment days - I know I say this everytime, but seriously. So great. Thank you Lori. We continue to thank God for our wonderful supportive community of friends. We couldn't do this without you all.

I also came home to the most beautiful letter from a friend I haven't seen in probably 10+ years. She and I were inseperable for a time in our grade school days - and I have been blessed enough to be reconnected with her now. Amazing what has come out of this diagnosis for me. It seems to have brought back a couple of the most amazing people in my life. She is certainly one of these - and I am so lucky to have reconnected with her. It warmed my heart today to read her letter. Madeline saw me after I was done reading it and said "are you crying mommy?" and I said "yes, but it's a happy cry, not a sad cry". She just looked at me, I could tell this one will take awhile to digest. We'll see - she usually revisits conversations like this about 2-3 days later. I'll let you know what she comes up with.

Finished my Social Security stuff tonight, and they were right - it took 2-3 hours. Yikes. Just as I was finishing filing it, it timed out. So I have to log back in tomorrow and just finish filing. But it's done for the most part. What an ordeal. Gotta love the government. It felt wierd to answer the question "will this diagnosed illness end in your death" and I had to check the YES box - I mean, that's what makes me qualify. Strange. Even though I don't believe this. Hope they aren't reading my blog!!!

God Bless - night night.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Mmmmm - chemo. Good to the last Drop.

I put that on my Facebook page this afternoon and thought it was funny.

Well, swimming didn't go as well today - I just don't think Madeline is ready - which really just baffles me. She loved the swimming lessons last year - but now, it was like she had never been in a pool before - very strange. I think she has anxiety about not being able to touch the bottom of the pool. In any case, she screamed hysterically when I tried to just put her in the pool. In the end, I got her to walk down 3 steps and sit down, but I'm not supposed to be the one to do this - the instructors are. She didn't want to have anything to do with them, just me. In chatting w. my friend, we've simply determined she's just not ready. I'll try to work with her myself this summer - PJ and I will see what we can do with her since she seems to be comfortable with that. I felt like such a bad mom making her go - I mean, she's 3 - hardly capable of pulling a 'I don't wanna go cuz I'm lazy' kind of thing. Well, we gave it a whirl. She'll be glad to be home w/ grandma tomorrow and just hang out. Much less traumatic.

Had my prayer circle today, and I cannot express how much this lifts me each week. I thought initially that maybe this was way too much to ask of people - that maybe once a week was a bit overkill. I mean, asking people to come and pray for you once a week - it seemed a little, well, self indulgent to be honest. It felt like a selfish act - however, these ladies have become such a source of strength to me - they hear me in a way I cannot express, and provide a support system that refills my 'hope bucket', so to speak. It so easy to get lost in your own brain, and they remind of the tools I need to keep the dark place from becoming the permanant place. They remind me to pray, to praise God for all that I have, and remind me to fight, right along side him. I remembered a dream I had during treatment a couple weeks back, where I used the relaxation cd. It had you envision your most peaceful place, and place yourself there. Well, my place is the lakehouse in the movie What About Bob? (classic Bill Murray movie) and I'm sitting there on the wooden pier with my feet hanging down, toes in the water, looking out over the still water and it's like, late afternoon. I'm completely relaxed then I notice that Jesus (pls, don't freak out here, this is really cool) is sitting next to me. He's dressed in cutoff jeans, and a simple white t-shirt, hair back in a pony, looking an awful lot like he is described in The Shack - like a normal, real person. I looked at him and said "So - guess you know how this whole thing turns out then, eh?" and he says quite simply "Yup." looking out over the water - then I say "I don't suppose you'd want to share this with me or anything" and he just gives me a sarcastic eyebrow raise and says "Nope" Then I ask him " then can you tell me why at least? why did this happen?" and he looked right into my eyes and said "do you think you'd be sitting here with me if this hadn't happened?" to which I responded "Nope." and there you go. This was such a comforting scenario - like chatting with a friend I'd known forever. I can't believe I didn't share this when it happened, I hope I'm describing it correctly, it was just a very cool converation - very normal, very comforting and strangely familiar. It brings me peace to just type it here. Very cool.

I don't get to see my oncologist tomorrow, I see one of her collegues - this guy is great, although PJ and I think he looks just like the guy on TV who does those commercials for free gov't money - he wears that suit full of questions marks - have you seen this guy? Well, the dr we are seeing looks just like this guy. He's pretty funny and talks really fast - and I'll have to forgive him again for being a Red Sox fan ;-) I'll ask him his opinion on my scan last week and see what he thinks, but it will be my dr who makes the final recommendation. Always interesting to get s second opinion. So I'm eager for that. Then I get Taxol and Avastin tomorrow. I took my steroids this evening and am having major heartburn/acid reflux that doesn't seem to be going away. Usually, Prilosec takes care of this, but it doesn't seem to be working this evening. Not sure why.

I also applied for social security benefits tonight - which was, sureal. I haven't gotten to the medical section yet, but was able to get the initial application filed. Had to answer some pretty heavy questions - see, we have a pretty heavy IRS tax nut to crack, and PJ gets to call the IRS tomorrow to discuss while I;m having treatment as it's gotten to a kinda scary place. We are trying to alleviate the stress level on me, so obviously I'm not calling them, when usually, I would be the one to handle such things. Yukky stuff today dealing with this. Sometimes you wish some things would just be put on hold while you deal with cancer - but life continues as normal - cancer or not. Drats. However, I was reminded today to really just be proactive, honest and upfront, a basic good and upright citizen - and not worry. Trust that God will provide. Not sit and do nothing, still do all the things we are able, but not worry - to give that part up. Same goes for cancer - that I am doing all I'm supposed to be doing - fighting, praying, staying positive, taking care of myself, taking care of my family, thanking Him for all my blessings, and not worrying about the rest. God will provide. Boy - that is really hard sometimes!!

Well, I gotta go find the Tums - thank you all for praying for me and keeping me in your thoughts - and Game On! again tomorrow - bring on the chemo! Yum Yum.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Hairy legs still - wouldn't ya know it.

Isn't that just a bitch? I no longer have to shave my underarms, which is great - but I still get stubly on my legs. Wouldn't ya just know it. Also, I've got this really light hair on my head - it's sparse, not like a full head of new growth, but you can see it if you look at my head, that I have like an inch of really light blonde hair - what is up with that? Very strange. And my eyebrows and eyelashes are still hanging on for dear life. Thank God. I so don't want to lose those - talk about looking strange. My hair, and lack of it - is something I think about daily - wondering what is coming next.

Felt good today, got real tired around the late afternoon, but I think I always got tired around that time. I really need to exercise more and get this flabby extra 30 lb overweight body into shape. It really affects my whole state of mind and state of being to be like this. See, PJ and I were supposed to start the Fat Smash diet when Ginger turned 1, just like when Madeline did - when we both dropped 30 lb each. Then this whole cancer thing comes into view, and we realize that we both stress eat. Not good. So, we gotta get in some kind of routine here soon - to clear our heads - it so hard. Cancer or not, so hard to get back into that expecise routine with 2 kids - I thought it was hard with 1. Enough talking about it here Dina, just do it and quit wasting blog space. Oy vais. It's ice cream's fault anyway, why do they make it taste so yummy?

Took Madeline for her first swimming lesson today - and she did pretty good I guess. She got in the pool with the instructor initially, then decided she didn't really like that very much and kept running over to me. We spent the rest of the half hour with our feet in the pool. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

I had forgotten to share this observation of mine that occurred last week that I found very interesting. We buy 3 different kinds of milk in our house - for various reasons I won't go into now. So, our fridge is kinda cramped. In any case, sometimes PJ or I will place something from in the fridge on TOP of the fridge to move it out of the way while we get something else - get the mental picture here? Well, every once in awhile we will forget that we put something up there and the other will find it up there a little while later, make fun of the other, and put it back in the fridge. Well, the other morning, I went to the top of the fridge 3 different times for other things, cereal to be exact (getting it and putting it back) before I realized there was milk up there. I had literally looked right past it to get something else, and never saw it was there. After I got over my frustration of having to throw it out as it had been up there all night, I realized how focused I was on something else, and how I had not even noticed what was right in front of me. Literally, right in front of me consdering the cereal I had grabbed was behind the milk sitting there - I had to push it out of the way! Pushed it without even seeing it - how often does this happen in our lives? Where we are focused so much on something else - that we miss something really important - right in front of our faces? I suddenly felt like I had uncovered something super important. I want to now train my brain to look closer, to look past my intended view and maybe I'll see something new and different, something that could teach me something I didn't realize I needed to know - like what the milk taught me. Crazy, huh? Or - maybe this is just the chemo making me think up this crap - either way, I thought it was an interesting observation.

My sweet PJ is going on Friday for a vasectomy - and I know he is super nervous. Who wouldn't be - did you know they don't even knock them out for this? It's just a local - I told him to ask for a valium at least to take beforehand (he got this thank God). We have such mixed emotions about this still - not him getting it, just the fact that he has to - that we won't have any other children. It makes me so sad to think that this is the way this decision was really made - because of my cancer. I know, I could kick and scream and yell 'it's not fair!' - but who would listen, right? But it's really not fair! We are those rare people that just love having babies and children - if we were 10 years younger, and obviously with a better body for me, we would have had many more children. We're talking about getting me better, then possibly becoming a foster family, maybe that's what we're supposed to do - who knows. I know we are supposed to do something with more children. Ours or other peoples. We'll see what He has in store for us.

Well, I'm off to bed - very tired. Not sure if this is the chemo or sheer laziness - let's blame it on the chemo. ;-)

God Bless -

Sunday, July 5, 2009

We Are Family

So I had a total of 8 people in my house for the weekend - 8 people and 3 dogs. You'd think I would be completely out of my mind, but alas, I am not. Normally, I would have been - but cancer has calmed me down, that is for sure. It was really great - we put the girls in with us in our room and everyone else where they fit. It was fun. We hung out, ate food that was bad for us, barbecued, made ice cream and went to the fireworks. All together as a family. This morning on the way to church Madeline said "We are all a family Mama - aren't we?" How cool is that. If you think about it - that is a difficult concept to explain to a 3 year old, and this weekend she got it. Pretty cool.

I had a couple down moments - trying really hard to not feel like the last thing I read about this disease. Being conscious about it is good I think - I mean, being aware of a bad behavior makes it much easier to change it, right? Well, I read an article that talked about statistics, which I have never read before ON PURPOSE, and I read this article from a magazine someone gave to me telling 3 different women's journey with metastic breast cancer and I guess I subconsciously was looking for hope and all this positive stuff, but found nothing like that in this article. Then got on the Advanced Breast Cancer website and just read some sad things there - it kinda snowballed from there. I had a great weekend, but I'd be lying if I didn't go through it really wishing this was not happening to me. Wishing I could know why it was. These are things I will not have answers to, I am fully aware of that, but the WANT for the answers is hard to supress. I talked through some of these thoughts with PJ tonight, something I haven't really done before, and he was really great. I think I just need to let someone in when I start feeling these things, I need to talk about it with someone - that way, it opens up a dialouge about it that can bring a completely different path of thinking that wasn't there before. If I keep all this shit in my head, (that which I don't dump here on this blog) I think I would fall into a real depression. We need people, we need reminders sometimes of the fight and how important it is and a reminder that we are already doing it - and doing a really great job at it. Now, this need for people and communication through this is totally separate from my need to pray about this as well - please know they are 2 different things, and 2 very necessary things in my mind. At least in my precious life it is a necessity. Sidenote - in church this morning, I submitted a Prayer of Thanksgiving for receiving such great test results this week. When Pastor George read this, with all the other chuch community prayer requests and prayers of thanks, the community applauded - it was so touching and is so motivating and inspiring to know that a community is behind you. It is not a mistake that I was put in this community at the time that I was - not a coincidence by a long shot. But I do think it is normal for my thinking to go back and forth through this process. It is impossible not to - I have frickin cancer - of course I'm going to get upset, pissed, frustrated, angry, sad, scared - all these things at once sometimes. I think having familly here, and feeling so great on my off week sometimes tricks me into almost forgetting about this - then I remember and get sad, upset, pissed blah blah blah. This roller coaster has to be normal - it feels like it should be. As long as I don't stay in that sad place, and get up, dust myself off, grab my family in one hand and God in the other and head out once again - then I'm good.

This was just a rambling mess I'm afraid, but stuff I needed to get out of my head. I had a lovely weekend - one of the best weekends I think I've ever had with my family. It was beautiful. We took part in the Kiddie Parade downtown - it was so cute and so much fun. I've attached a pic that my friend Julie took for us. Yes, I know - we all have matching shirts on - hey - I live in a small town, so I can get away with doing these dorky things! (much to my husbands shegrin) Seriously though, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. Spending time with them means more than I can explain. It's like - everything I experience now is amped up, so to speak. Amazing to experience. What a blessing. Hope everyone had a wonderful and safe 4th of July.

God Bless -

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hey Mom - Can I color your head?

This is what Madeline asked me as I sat across from her this morning at the kitchen table. I had just gotten Ginger down for her morning nap, and Madeline was coloring quietly in her Hello Kitty coloring book with her new markers. I was reading the paper, which I never get to do it seems, and she simply looked up at me and in the most innocent and normal tone asked "Hey mom - can I color your head?" I thought about it for a minute, set the paper down on the table, shrugged and said "Sure" So I sat down in front of her and she went to town. I decided I better pick up the insert to the markers and make sure they were washable (they were) and let her be creative. She wasn't rushed through it, she seemed to take her time and was very precise - and the moment I asked PJ if he wanted to come in and see, she got VERY upset - she did not want anyone to see this until she was done. Interesting. When she was done she wanted to show daddy, so we went out to the office to show him. She was very proud, so was I. I love that she wanted to do this - and I love that she was so intentional about it. Again, my little angel.

I kept my painted head all day - I loved how I would forget and then pass by a mirror and realize I was full of color. The only rule I gave her was no black - but all other colors were OK. I think this is way better than just a plain bald head - because it gives you brightness and color and fun - we may make this a regular thing. Who knows.

My mom and Britt arrived today, and I'm so happy to have them here. We got them all in and settled into their room, and my girls got to love on them and play with them -it is just awesome to watch them love on each other. I mean, that's the whole reason we moved here in the first place way back when, was so our children (well, child at the time) would know their family growing up - that was super important to PJ and I as parents. And to get to just sit back and watch this, and now watch this with my NEW eyes, it is just amazing. We are so blessed.

My mom just went to bed a minute ago, stopped by me and said "I'm so proud of you Dina, as a woman, and as a daughter." Then she kissed me on the head. Wow. Just, wow.

We're going to take part in the kiddie parade downtown tomorrow - and yes, I'll get some pics as the Mountcastle clan will all be wearing their matching t-shirts (I know, cue gagging sounds). Then I'm taking my mom and we're getting pedicures. A little girl time couldn't hurt. Also, PJ's brother and his partner arrive tomorrow as well - and we are all ecstatic to see them as well. Can't wait for a full house. I love my family surrounding me - it fills me up like nothing else. It kinda always has, just more so now. I may or may not write again this weekend considering I'll have both girls sleeping in my room with us starting tomorrow night - so until Sun I'll leave you with a pic of Madeline coloring my head. We just had the best day today - so it pays to choose joy apparently. Who knew?