Significant Improvement? I like this!

Well, the results of the scan are in. To be exact, they were in about 20 minutes after I had it. I was lucky enough to have it in the clinic where my oncologist works and I receive treatment, so she literally had it handed to her after I was done. There was a message waiting on our voicemail when we got home. She said there was 'significant improvement in the liver and the right breast' and that the mets on the bone were 'stable but that is ok and she expected that' and to end she said she was 'very excited'. So are we!!!!! I have to say, I was a bit overwhelmed this morning. There was a mix up in the care of the girls, so at the last minute, literally, we ended up packing them in the car and this CT scan became a family event. I was nervous, scared, excited - all those things. And in the end, it turned out perfectly. I did not call her back to discuss further, we figured she really gave us everything we needed on the voicemail message, and we would just enjoy this. I won't see her at my next treatment as she is out of town, I'll see a colleague of hers, I'll see the the following treatment, and we'll discuss her thoughts on treatment time frame at that point. I'm going to do whatever she wants me to - and although I'm eager to have this conversation, I can certainly wait with this information for the time. It's so good to know that what we've been doing is working - significantly - my new favorite word!

On the down side, I wasn't feeling very good today. This is really bizarre, but the hair in my nostrils has fallen out - so that has created quite a sensitive nose bed for me on many levels - who knew the purpose these serve until you don't have any!! My nose runs ALL THE TIME!! - and I've had daily nose bleeds and sinus issues as of late - so that has been really uncomfortable, combined with the constipation and the lovely side effects that go along with that (too graphic to discuss, let's just say it's WAY more painful then pregnancy) then my tummy was upset from the crap I had to drink for the scan. All these combined made up my afternoon, and part of me wondered about making it through the next 6 - 8 - 12 months. I know I'll do it - I have to - but I just looked at it with tears in my eyes, wondering what it could possibly be like. Then my sister called me. I shared with her the news and she congratulated me and began to tell me things she has never said to me before. She told me how strong I was, that I was the strongest person she knew, that she was proud of me, that I was responsible for this as much as the doctors and medical staff, just amazing stuff she shared with me, and so much of what I needed to hear. My sister and I don't speak that way to each other very often, so this was a bit out of the norm, but so appropriately placed within my day and raised my spirits more than I can explain. It literally pulled me out of this sick funk I was in, and hurled me into celebration. I am so blessed to have my sister in my life, I just wish she were closer!!!! (she lives back east in MA) I thank God for many things today - for my life, my family, my friends, for my husband and beautiful little girls who brought much joy to some faces at the cancer clinic in Sedona today - so appropriate that they were with us today. It was how it was supposed to be. We celebrated with pizza tonight (big night out for the Mountcastles eh?) and vanilla ice cream w/ chocolate sauce and peanuts - all here at home. Yea Us!

I am so blessed. Thank you all for your prayers, they worked!!!! Keep em coming please! We're on our way - and if cancer thought the game was on before - then just look out, we're just getting started now. Game On!

The Family Bed

So we're watching my mom's dog still, and this morning I woke up to our dog, Snickers under the covers at my feet, Madeline under my covers with arms wrapped around my neck, my mom's dog, Angel, lying in between PJ and myself, then of course PJ WAY over on the other end of the bed. Poor Ginger is all alone in her bedroom - actually, not poor Ginger - she's probably the only one getting a full nights sleep! That's ok - I don't mind.

Had great mom and daughter time again with Madeline as we went to her summer movie this morning - we met up with some friends from her school, so that is always very cute to watch. Kung Fu Panda - cute movie. We enjoyed it and didn't have to leave to go to the bathroom once - this is a first.

Had my annual OB appt - which was fine too I guess. Strange being in the waiting room with all the expectant mommies - wishing I could be one of them. PJ and I hadn't really decided we weren't going to have any more kids. I mean, we did, but we didn't. We said we were done, but we both secretly knew if I just happened to get pregnant again, we wouldn't mind at all. Now of course, this is a different story. They basically said they would arrest me if I got pregant while I was on treatment. I had to sign oodles of paperwork about this. It made us angry more than anything, the fact that the cancer had taken this decision away from us. I'm older, I know that, but still - I just loved being pregnant and having babies. I felt like it was exactly what my body wanted to do. In talking with my OB, we discussed the fact that my cancer was most likely present through my entire pregancy with Ginger. That the preganancy most likely did two things, caused the cancer to grow a bit faster, considering the kind of breast cancer I have, and also hid it all together. Being pregnant causes so many other changes to your body, who would have thought some of the things I was experiencing was breast cancer. Interesting insight. Anyway, the appt went fine and I don't have to go back again for another year. Good news. He also gave me favorable feedback on the breast exam he did - so I'm again hopeful for tomorrows scan.

Something I meant to chat about last night was a segment on Dateline PJ and I watched last night. It was about struggling families in this economy, and we both watched with tears in our eyes. My need to give back was strong before, but it is just overwhelming now. I MUST give back. It's almost like a calling of sorts - which is cool because it's what was talked about a lot at the MOPS retreat, there will definately be an opporunity to do this there. But once I kick this cancer's ass and can operate at 100% - I'll be full force giving back. I just can't wait.

Scan is tomorrow, and since it's being done right there at my oncologist facility, I most likely will have results pretty quick. Am I nervous? No. I just want to drink this yukky stuff, go there, drink more yukky stuff, have the scan and find out what's going on inside me. I've got a pretty good handle on what's going on with the outside parts of me, it's the inside that I need to know about now. So wish me luck and say a prayer or two. And say a prayer or two or send good thoughts/vibes for my husband - he is struggling as of late, and I can't seem to comfort him. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He doesn't really have anyone to talk to about this, except me, and sometimes I'm not the best person to talk to about this, if that makes sense. We've always been each others best friend, and he needs to vent on this subject, it just doesn't seem to work when he vents to me. I automatically take responsibility for it, which is not what he needs. He needs a safe place to talk - and I just don't know where that is for him. Please keep him close to your heart.

Thank you - gotta run and get some sleep - God Bless. Game on!!!!

Home Sweet Home

So I returned late last night from the MOPS retreat and had a great time. I was feeling REALLY horrible on Friday morning, so I wasn't sure if I was even going to go at that point. The drug, Zometa, they give me for my bone mets does this great thing of returning the calcium stolen from this yukky cancer back into my bones - one of the side effects is that I can feel achy and feverish - and I woke up very early Fri morning with the chills and a fever. Luckily, I was able to just sleep - sleep (in the Wizard of Oz voice of 'Poppies - Poppies')My wonderful husband took over the kids in the early morning, getting them up and fed, then Nancy got here around 9am and I was able to just sleep all morning. I woke up, ate something, went back to bed - then around 1pm - took a shower and I was OK. Not great, but OK. Christy brought us yummy dinner so I didn't have to worry about that - Lord knows I was in no position to cook anything for my family. How blessed I continue to be to have this support system to help me on my bad days. And how lucky my bad days are really not that often. I read and hear such horror stories, I am certainly being prayed for a lot - it's working!

So it was nice to just be around moms and adults for a change, although I was totally out of my cancer comfort zone. I knew this was coming, so mentally I was prepared for it, but it still frustrated me more than anything. I am the type of person that just takes responsilbility for everything. Even things I can't control - this is who I am, I know this. So of course, I feel responsible for being the 'cancer patient' at this retreat and feel bad for making everyone feel wierd. Not that anyone even felt wierd, I mean, the people who KNOW me didn't feel wierd, but it was obvious to me that this stupid cancer is just the elephant in the room and I can see people feel awkward - and that makes me feel bad. Of course, I feel awkaward too - I was overwhelmed a couple times during this retreat of just wanting to be like everyone else - just wanting to worry about being a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband, not battling cancer on top of this. Then I'd get pissed that I had to do this at all. Then I would totally switch gears and think, why can't I just be OK with this? Why can't I just smile and be comfortable to be sitting here in a frickin beanie and take the 'c'est la vie' approach and just say with a big toothy smile on my face "God won't give us anything we can't handle!" and skip down the street giggling profusely. (not in a creepy way, in a happy go lucky way) I wish I could be that person. I'm not. It did make me analyze how I act in groups of people - because someone came up to me at one point and said "are you usually this quiet?" and I felt like saying "no, only when I have cancer." But of course I didn't, cuz that would make them feel bad. ;-) But seriously, I thought about this question - and the answer is yes. I usually am kinda quiet in group settings like this, especially when anything sport/physically related is concerned. I wasn't the FIRST to be picked for kickball teams in school, but I wasn't the last either. I just would rather sit around a table and debate a topic rather than have a human wheelbarrel contest, make sense? So in the end, I was glad to see that I was kinda acting like my old self, only with my new circumstances. Now that I just type that I know that my old self is, well, slowly morphing into someone else. It stirs inside me. It was a good bonding weekend, I am eager to get into my leadership role and bring everything I can to this organization. This organization saved me on so many levels as a mom, a wife and a woman. I am so excited to be part of this team this year. I would say the only bad thing about this was the exorbanant amount of heavy, fat laden food we all ate - I just want someone to sit on me and squish me like a toad. (nice visual, eh? thought you'd like that - it's EXACTLY how my belly feels) Not so bad of a drawback. ;-)

My husband was lovely to take my girls for this time for me, and when I got home, he put me in the shower and put me to bed. (actually we started watching Pinapple Express - HYSTERICAL - highly recommended) Got up at 5am - yes, 5 am thank you Miss Ginger - and got ourselves up and going. Church was lovely, then we came home and just spent a lovely day as a family. I've realized the places I feel completely safe and secure are home, and church. If you had told me 5 years ago I ever would have said that, I would have said you were completely full of shit. Anyway, I put Ginger down for a nap, then Madeline PJ and I played in the sprinklers. I know, I see my children differently than I've ever seen them before. I feel like a film has been removed from my eyes as I watch my little Madeline giggle - really giggle, the kind of sound that created the word 'giggle' as we play in the sprinklers. She says to me as I'm sitting down, "C'mon mom, have some fun!". Her eyes just dance. So I do, we all ran and sprayed each other - and I'd catch glimpses of the reflection of my white bald head in the arcadia door and be reminded - then let it go - reminded, then let it go - back and forth. I was doing an emotional dance of my own in the sprinklers today. I can't help my tears from falling as I write this. I know this is the process of learning to live with this - because, I've got some months to go here. I'm only down 2 months of treatment - I have potentially 4-10 months left. I can't imagine what I will have learned at the end of my treatments - I can hardly wait. We'll see what God has to show me. I feel like I see things differently every day.

I have my CT scan on Tues, so I'm going to ask for some prayers - for good news. In whatever form that is, I'll take some good news. I'm wearing a turban right now, and ya know what? These little guys are pretty comfortable! I feel like telling someone I'm ready for my close-up - but these are pretty comfy. I think I'll start looking for some more of these for around the house. And to close, I just want to remind you for this week of what my daughter reminded me of today 'C'mon mom, have some fun!' -

Go - have fun. God Bless.

What is going on today?

Ok - Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson? If these indeed come in three's, then Ed McMahon would be three, but it's only like, June? Wow. Surreal, right? I mean, I'm a child of the 80's - so Michael Jackson is like part of my entire childhood memories - AND had 2 older sisters so I had the Farrah Fawcett doll in my Barbie collection (although she was much smaller then the other dolls) then used the curling iron on her hair cuz it wasn't feathered enough for me, not realizing that it was actually plastic, it then of course, melted onto my mothers curling iron, and I had some explaining to do. All of these memories plus more flooded my mind today. What a day. This life we lead, so fragile.

I was actually very quiet and lazy today, which is something I'm not used to being. I am going on a leadership retreat Fri - Sat night (won't be blogging tomorrow or Sat) so I wanted to try and rest up since Fri and Sat are usually my bad days. I just tended to the girls, played with them, fed them, cuddled with them, it was lovely. Just being mom today and not really caring about much else. I did place a call into my oncologist today because I wanted to ask her an emotional question. How do I process the need to compare myself to these other cancer stories? It must be human nature to do this, but how do I move through this thought process? I more patients I meet the more I tend to do this, the more stories I hear on tv the more I tend to do this - I know each of our journey's are different, but they are also very similar, aren't they? I guess that's what I am trying to figure out. And, something I discovered talking w/ my friend this evening, I'm filled with a mixture of relief that it's not me, then guilty because why not me? It's a strange, torn feeling. A balancing act on a white picket fence.

Good news, my story is on the Barack Obama website - I'll give you the link so you can take a look if you care to. Also, if you are compelled, please share your own story - people are listening. This I know because tonight I rec'd a call from Organizing for America asking if they could use the story I had on the website to submit to Congress. I said I would be honored. I'm not going to go off all political - I'm just saying if I can help someone in this situation in the future have coverage the priority in lieu of the insurance companies lining their pockets with profits, then maybe it's worth it to speak out.

http://stories.barackobama.com/healthcare/stories/97098

My husband is bugging me to go to bed - and I think he's right. My tummy is a bit woozy tonight, and I haven't been going to bed till after midnight for the past 3-4 nights. Plus, we are just making our way through the paperwork to file for SS Disability - seems with stage IV I get some assistance here. I figure it this way, the $$ probably won't be there when I retire anyway, I'll look at it as an early withdrawl. ;-) We need all the help we can get.

I have a lot to pray about this evening, so I am off. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers - and let's keep a whole lot of people in our prayers tonight. It's been a bitch of a week, right?

God Bless -

Second Hand Chemo

This is the excuse my husband blurted out in the middle of my medical exam today when he realized he had misspoken about something. I thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard. He's been exposed to second hand chemo. This would make a great t-shirt for caregivers I think. Too funny.

Treatment went very well today. My labs came back great again today, so no Nulasta which is great. They did change my calcium treatment from Aredia to Zometa, which PJ and I decided sounded like the name of someones house keeper in NY. No different side effects than what I had before, and the treatment is not as long, 30 minutes in lieu of an hour and 1/2 - so that's good too. We went ahead and scheduled my CT scan for Tues of next week around 10 am. I will have the results from my dr the following morning. So please, send good thoughts and prayers. All in all, my treatment went great today, but I found the day just off a bit. And I think I know why.

I had overheard one of my nurses talking to someone next to me that she and her husband were from NYC and that they most likely were going to move back there eventually. Something PJ and I had talked about before this whole cancer thing - in our 5-10 year plan. Obviously, things have changed a bit. Anyway, when she came back, I asked her where she worked in the city and she said NYU - and then she asked where I had worked and I said the financial district and then she asked me if I was there on 9/11. As I am whenever I talk about this, it's like a sudden rush, right back to that day. We both exchanged our stories of our experiences that day in the city - and both were in tears at the end of the conversation. Very moving. She told me a story of a patient of hers with pancreatic cancer, very weak, very sick, not able to walk very well - see what was happening on TV, put on a robe and ran down the street to find his son who worked down at World Trade. Simply heartbreaking. I have similar images, much more vivid as I was right across the street from World Trade 1 & 2 when it all started, they too will never leave my mind. I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was weird that we had this conversation because I just had put U2 on my ipod, All That You Can Leave Behind album, and I had just thought to myself that I hadn't gone to this album for comfort since 9/11 - then we had this conversation. Interesting.

Then, I shared my room today with a woman I had met before. She and her husband (or significant other I'm assuming they are married, they may not be) and we finally got to exchange our cancer stories. We are around the same age, I think I'm older by about 5 or so years, but our stories are similar, and different all at the same time. She was having a tough time w/ her treatment side effects today - and I just was overwhelmed with wanting to help her - to fix it - to just make her feel better. Her cancer has spread quite rapidly and she is on her 2nd round of medication to get it under control. She is on a clinical drug, that they discovered from a sea sponge - isn't that fascinating!!! This totally made me remember from The Shack (please, everyone must read this book) when Sarayu explained that God made cures for diseases hidden within his own creations - we just needed to find them. I know this is where we will find these answers, I just know it. Anyway, I was extremely moved by her story, which I won't go into detail - because I don't know her that well and have given her my blog address, I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable - but I was very moved and overwhelmed by her. She's all I've thought about since we left. As I sat there today, watching her deal with this reaction to the treatment, I literally just prayed, right there in front of her, for God to bring her peace and comfort and calm so she could accept the drug and get through the rest of the treatment. This was a very strange thing for me to do - as I feel religious practices are a very private matter, but I just felt it was all I could do for her. I hope it didn't make her feel too awkward, I never want to creep anyone out by doing something like this, I know there was a time, not too long ago where I would have been weirded out by it - I just felt I needed to help her and this was all I could do. Don't get me wrong, I didn't stand up and wave my hands around and yell out some prayer in tongues or anything, not THIS time (kidding) I stayed quietly in my bark-a-lounger, bowed my head and prayed for her. I felt like no one was paying attention to her. (actually we have the same Dr and she was very attentive to her) I feel like I'm rambling here - I'm just overwhelmed with concern for her. Please, keep her in her prayers those of you who pray - she could use them. I'm not using her name here intentionally, God know who she is.

So - I didn't get to sleep at all during my treatment, but we were out of there by 2:30 - can you believe it!! It was awesome. And, we found out I don't need to go in for labs on my off weeks - that was only for the trial, so my off weeks will REALLY be off weeks. I need to work on myself mentally for my off weeks - because I get kind of antsy and depressed - feel like I'm not doing anything to fight this thing. Good thing it will be July 4th and I'll have a house full of family next weekend. That will make me smile.

The dogs are getting along great - once they finally fought over who was going to sleep where, it ended up being on me - but that's ok. This morning I woke up to one under the covers with me, one on top of the covers with me, my husband at my side and Madeline almost dangling on the edge next to him. Well, it cozy.

Goodnight all, and God Bless.

People - People Being, People.

Went and picked up my mom's dog today to dogsit. She is a funny dog named Angel, a cross between a Beagle and a Boston Terrier - and she and our dog Snickers just have a ball together. So we are a house of 2 dogs now, for about a week or so. Nice to see my mom and Britt, we met at Sunset Point and had lunch and 'made the exchange'. Realized it had been way to long since we had seen my mom. Ok, since I had seen my mom. We live too close to not see each other more. I think, well, I know that our trips to Phx just aren't happening because of our trips to Sedona each week. It makes it hard, and expensive - to travel much more. Anyway, we have to fix it cuz I need my mom fix a little more than what I am getting - and so do my girls.

Met with my prayer warriors today - Jennifer has set up a weekly prayer circle for me which is just so humbling. I am still overwhelmed and blessed that people actually give up their time in the day to come and pray with me, for me, over me. Words cannot express how it makes me feel. It lifts me immensely, especially before my treatment days.

From there I went to the gym to work out again (2 in this week - yipee!) and I had such interesting observations of how people interacted with me. Now, I joined Curves because it is wicked low impact, all cardio resistance machines, and more importantly - it's all women. Something I thought would be a more comfortable environment. And it is, it's just today I happened to be there with a group of women I had not familiarized myself with as of yet. And I just observed them, observe me. Please know my writings here are not intended to solicit complements - they are truly to try to express how it felt to be the one looked at differently - and I was. I'm not in a pity party, this did not hurt my feelings, it was probably one of the more insightful moments this cancer has given me. I would not know this otherwise. As I worked out, a couple women noticed me and did the preverbial double take (does she have hair under that scarf? it doesn't look like it) those kinds of looks. The scarves I wear to work out in are pretty flimsy - so you can pretty much tell. Hello, I'm sweating? Why would I wear anything pretty or hot - right? Anyway, there were about 5 women in the circuit when I first arrived. They started talking about - hair styles. Isn't that ironic? Needless to say, I did not add to the conversation. I thought about it - but anything I thought of saying would sound too 'martyr' like, and I didn't want to sound like that. So I stayed quiet. Then, the conversation stopped and it was just very quiet. I caught people staring, then when I would look at them they would look away. I just wanted them to hold their gaze long enough to simply smile. Finally one woman did - I think she saw me catch her earlier and then made up for it. I just smiled. It was so unique to be on this side of it - because I can remember being the other people. I can remember staring at someone trying to figure out what was wrong, then looking away when I was caught. I am reminded of a sermon Pastor George gave a couple weeks ago, I wrote about it, the Wounded Savior - he told a story of someone with special needs he befriended and how he would spend time w/ him then go home to his family and thank the Lord for all his blessings. What he finally realized, was that he was really thanking the Lord he wasn't the man with special needs. First of all, what cahones it takes to admit this, and how true this is for me in this very moment. I did this - I secretly looked at people and was grateful it wasn't me. Am I ashamed? A little, but I'm also human. I just know now that I've been on the other side of this, and felt it all. I will always hold my gaze and give a smile, because I know how much that meant to me. I think we turn away because we are scared of our own mortality as well - it's hard to look at another woman who is battling breast cancer - because it COULD be you. But it's not - not now anyway. It is what it is, and if you would've told me 4 months ago I'd be sitting here writing this, I'd tell you that you were full of shit. And, I would have said that I wouldn't have been able to handle this under any circumstances - but I am. I'm doing it. Not alone thank God, but I am doing it. What tremendous insight I've been given to the human soul - to be able to have felt both sides of this is amazing.

Well, took my 4 steroid pills tonight so I'm wide awake. I will be taking my Tylenol PM here soon and heading to bed. We are up and out of here early in the am as I have labs at 8:45. Hopefully, this means that I will be in and out. Let's see, on the menu for tomorrow is Benedryl, steroids, Taxol, Avastin, Aredia, then something they shoot in during the taxol that keeps another side effect from rearing its ugly head. I gotta learn more about that one. Tomorrow is a looooong day. But, I look forward to my treatments to be honest. I feel like I'm doing something proactive - fighting this head on. And, of course I've baked brownies for my medical staff tomorrow - I think chocolate is always a good bet. Hopefully, we'll schedule my CT scan after tomorrows treatment - so that is exciting. Can you believe I'm through cycle #2 now? This one seemed to just fly by. Anyhoo, thank you for reading, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, and I'll be in touch tomorrow. God Bless. Night Night.

Mom - Can I kiss your boob?

This is what my little Madeline asked me this evening, while I'm in the middle of a slight rant I might add as Madeline is currently in this phase of not listening, literally - I have to tell her something like 20 times before she seems to hear me, I feel like that stand up routine by Bill Cosby. In the middle of this, she asks me "Mom, how's your port? Can I touch it?" which I let her and she tells me it feels like a bone. It does. Then she says "Mom - how's your boob feeling?" she remembers the excisional biopsy when I was really bandaged up afterwards. I tell her it's fine and she says "can I see it?" so I show her the scar then she says "Can I kiss your boob? It will make it feel all better." and I start to cry. I need this child - she pulls me into moments like this when I have no business being in the current moment I'm in. She is my little perfect soul that hangs around me and reminds me of what's really important. My angel.

She and I went to the movies this morning, and we sat there in the theater watching all the other kids who were whining about this or that. She and I sat there, sharing a popcorn and giggling through the movie. She is a pretty good hang. Then I felt good enough this afternoon to go to the gym, and that felt really great. It's so cleansing - I need to make more of an effort to go. Those of you at home who say the same thing can rest easy that even us cancer patients can't find the motivation to go either.

Speaking of cancer patients, I was thinking about my eyebrows today - and people who get them tattooed on. Now, here is my issue with this - wouldn't you run the risk of always looking like someone just came around the corner and scared you? I mean, I've thought that when I need to start drawing mine on (because I am going to lose them, look at my chemo regime, please) I'm gonna have to start practicing because I'm not that very good at drawing at all - I can draw like, 2 things - a rabbit and - well, ok a rabbit - that's all I can draw now that I think about it. Whatever I end up drawing on as eyebrows will end up deeming my mood for the rest of the day - if I miss the arch I'll be all stern and grumpy looking - if I get a little out of hand with the arch I'll be all surprised and happy/borderline paranoid looking. Maybe I can just get some dry erase markers so then at least I'll be able to change my expression as I deem necessary. Hmmmm. The things I have to worry about.

I'm posting a picture of me and Ginger at a birthday party we attended this weekend. My friend Karen, her little cutie Bennett turned 1 and this was his first birthday party. This was the first party we've attended where we were really not familiar with everyone in attendance, so it was a little awkward to show up as the cancer patient. I can honestly say for the first time, I could have given a shit less that I was at least 10 years older than all the other moms, so that's a good thing I guess. I've got mixed emotions about this picture because it's the first one I've seen of myself, with my kid, where it's blatantly clear to me I'm sick. I'm just not going to get used to this look - which is good, cuz God willing I won't be for long. It's just weird. I'm used to the way I feel and the way I look pretty much matching - it never does now. I thank you Kelly for sharing it with me because my growth in this disease is continuous, and photos are extremely important for me to have taken, see, and share with others. Thank you my friend.

Well, off to bed with me. And not to worry, I'm not running off to the tattoo parlor for eyebrows anytime soon - the Bozo look just isn't for me. Yet anyway.

God Bless.

Happy Fathers Day

Today had to be one of the best days yet here at the Mountcastle abode. We really just had a lovely day today, and I was feeling much better, which helped a lot.

We woke up this morning to Madeline begging Dad to open his Fathers Day gifts - which was music this year - he got Best of Johnny Cash from Ginger, the new Black Eyed Peas from Madeline, and mom got him the new Plain White T's. He seemed pretty excited. Then I made breakfast for everyone, got everyone dressed and off to church we went. We went to the Lutheran church this morning which was a nice change of pace. Good to shake things up a bit from time to time. Madeline sang in the service with all the other VBS kids, and as PJ is standing taking pictures of her, she did the stereotypical "Hey! That's My Dad!" It was awesome. The whole service was awesome, we were very glad we went.

Got home and Ginger took a really good nap so I was able to have some quality quiet time out front tending to my flowers while Dad and Madeline tended to the grass in the backyard. It was wonderful to just be outside, smell my lovely jasmine and roses and make everything all nice and pretty. If anyone passed by (which no one does, it's Dewey) they would have thought I was crazy cuz I was really chatting up a storm with my jasmine. It's growing like crazy. Probably wants me to shut up already.

Then my Dad and Nancy came over and we all just hung out, and PJ and my Dad really spend some quality time together while Nancy and I tended to the girls. We were able to get them fed and down then the four of us had a nice, long dinner and conversation together. It was so nice, it all felt completely normal. I can't tell you how good normal feels. I remember many times in my life when I was younger when I would wish for anything but normal - funny how things change.

In the shower this morning I went ahead and felt for the lump that had initially sent me into the doctor when this whole nightmare started. What I had actually found was a lymph node, as a reminder, which was swollen (because it was full of cancer cells) - they ended up finding a lump within that same exam. Anyway, I don't feel it any longer. I felt around for awhile, and I really can't find it. I'm so scared to be happy about this, but deep inside I am. Sometimes I feel like anything positive like this can only be helpful to me - even as a state of mind kind of thing, right? I'm grounded enough to know that this doesn't mean anything without the proper scan, but it gives me the one thing that you just wish you could bottle and sell - HOPE. This word is so extremely powerful - I had no idea how powerful this word would become to me. This simple four letter word fills me with such happiness and peace. And anything that draws me closer to it seems to point my mind into a healthier direction. Almost instantaneously. It's like a drug. Like prayer - prayer gives me hope, peace, direction. Amazing.

Nose bleeds are still consistent along with the horrifically painful constipation (lovely, I know, sorry for the description) but I'm taking it all in stride and just trying to find the right drugs to counter act the new emerging side effects. I just keep thinking it's like a horrible dentist appt (no offense Dr. Wally - my visit with you was lovely) just endure it and it will all be over before you know it. Again - HOPE. Keep moving forward, not backwards and don't get stuck in the moment. (another U2 quote - jeez!)

I'm off to bed now, tired and ready to start my week. Madeline and I have her movie in the am, then laundry and I'm going to get to the gym tomorrow and Tues if I can swing it. I need it - badly. This upcoming Wed treatment will be a doosey, so I need to make sure I'm ready to tackle it head on!

Thank you as always for you thoughts and prayers - they are working. God Bless they are working. Here's to HOPE!

Tiny Little Cheeseburgers

I think I pushed myself too much today. It's funny, I like to think I'm just like everyone else, and I plow along today thinking that I am - then I catch glimpses of myself in the rearview mirror and see that HELLO! I'm BALD! Duh Dina, it's the Friday after your Wed treatment and you always feel like shit on this day. Not the smartest idea to act like you were just fine. Also, I don't think that I should be driving on Fridays, not because I can't - but because I drove around all day today (with Nancy thank you God who totally would have said something if she thought I was delusioned or something), but looking back at my day now, I have no recollection of driving anywhere. Not Good. So - Fri driving is off for me. Drats!

It was Madeline's last day of VBS today and she just had a blast. I wanted to just be there to drop her off and pick her up - it was so cool. Next year I am totally volunteering to help because I feel like I really missed out this year on being a part of this. Then they had a huge picnic thing this evening for all the kids and showed a video of their week and had bounce houses - it was so neat to go and be a part of this community in this manner. I felt horrible but it was well worth it. I'm so glad we live here.

We have a busy weekend this weekend, so my husband is anxiously urging me right now to go to bed. He has taken to giving me Tylenol PM early this evening, trying to get me to bed - for all the wrong reasons unfortunately. I've just been feeling 'off' today, and as disgusting as this may be - I want to paint this stupid cancer picture as clearly as possible for all of you - another wonderful side effect coming into full light is, let's just say, not being as 'regular' as you usually are. This is most painful, in many ways. I cannot and will not describe any further, just know it's awful and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Arg.

Ya know, I look at the pictures of me and my family now, before all this started - and I remember thinking such sad thoughts - like everything I knew that was good and real and genuine was now gone - spoiled by this cancer. Now, within this short time of my treatments, I have come to know quite the opposite. I have come to know more good, more real and more genuineness in people - in myself - in my family. It's like my whole world was just raised up a couple notches - does that make sense? Pastor Mary told me a story of a woman who was ill w/ cancer and would look at pictures of herself before she was sick and tell herself she was going to be that woman again. This story is significant to me because I was NOT looking at pictures of myself that way - I was looking at them with regret and sadness of what I had lost. Not now. In fact, I look at them and feel I have evolved, that my whole family has evolved through this to a higher point of human understanding - a place of grace. It's peaceful, and wonderful, and I never imagined I would feel this way, ever. Our new normal, of bald mommy feeding Ginger her dinner, and her running her hand across my stubbly head and giggling - then all of us giggling at the dinner table. I never would have imagined this is the way we would handle this. I am so very blessed that this is how we're doing this. I know no better way to say it.

With that I bid you goodnight, I am sleepy and am going to turn on the weather channel. It's the best way to fall asleep - seriously. Ahoy mateys. ;-)

It's A Beautiful Day

Not sure what the song title theme is w/ me lately, but U2 has surfaced this evening as indicated above. And that it was today in lovely Prescott, AZ. It felt more summery today, and I was fortunate enough to get out and enjoy it a bit. Spent the morning w/ my friend Chris today, where we walked in the park w/ Miss Ginger and chatted. I'm so blessed to have such lovely people in my life. Thank you for you today Chris. Thank you.

Today was good, still soaring from yesterday, but got real tired when I got home w/ the girls this afternoon. We all went down for a nap. (Well, Ginger and I did - Madeline is fighting me on these afternoon naps as of late - arg!) Woke up in a bit of a funk, just not feeling up to par, which is normal - effects of treatment #2 in cycle #2 are coming into view - which can be discouraging sometimes. Mostly I just feel really dumpy tonight. Totally out of shape and overweight tonight. I joined Curves and just can't seem to get in as often as I've wanted to. I only have like, 2 days a week that I feel really strong, so I've been shoving everything else into those days, where I really need to be shoving exercise into that time. We are starting to walk in the evenings as a family after dinner, but the girls patience doesn't really last that long. Guess I'm just having a 'blah' moment this evening. My mom used that term when I was a kid and didn't want to go to school. It didn't happen that often, so my mom would ask "Are you sick?" and I'd say "no" they she'd say "do you just have a case of the 'blahs?'" and I'd say "yea" so she'd let me take a blah day' off from school. I thought she was just about the coolest mom ever.

Also, weird side effect coming to light tonight - my fingertips and the bottoms of my feet feel like they've been burned or something. Really sensitive, not tingly, just sensitive and reddish. Weird - right? And - my hair on my head is kinda growing in - blond little stubblies. Again, weird. And itchy. How cool is it my hubby is continuing to keep his head shaved while mine is gone. He rocks.

Making our way through medical bills tonight, which is always an enlightening experience. Just rec'd notice our insurance company, who already raised our monthly premium at renewal this month, is raising it again in Aug because, get this, I turn 40 in July (I can't even believe I just wrote that) and I'm now in a different age range so our premium goes up again in Aug. Total increase monthly of about $120. That is steep for a family with one income. We'll make it work though, got to. We're stuck with this insurance company for quite awhile, not like I can go anywhere else, right? I think this cancer thing kinda falls under the 'pre-existing condition' clause, don't you? And yes, not to worry, I've already written to President Obama on the issue, I'm sure he'll get right on it. ;-)

Speaking of by b-day, I remember telling my husband months ago that I wanted this huge bash for my 40th - just total chaos and fun - now, I just want to let it go by quietly. Maybe we'll delay the 40th bash for a year or so, when I'm not bald and going through this treatment - when I'm cancer free - right? Sometimes it scares me to even type that - cancer free - like I'm setting myself up for a big disappointment. Working on that.

Well, getting tired tonight, so I'm turning in. Thanks again to all of you thinking and praying for me - keep it coming, I'll take all the good vibes I can get. We keep all of you in our prayers every night. God Bless.

Everyday Is a Winding Road

Treatment went really well today - got some good news from my oncologist too. My blood counts came back great - in fact, she said they looked like any normal persons off the street. Yea me! So that is great news. Then she did her physical exam which she does every time I go in. She examines the area on my right breast where the largest piece was extracted for the biopsy back in March to see how much the swelling has gone down. She commented to me that it had gone down considerably from last week - this is good. Then upon the rest of her physical exam, she said that she didn't feel anything else in my right breast. I said 'but there are 2 other lesions there' and she said 'I know, but I don't feel them'. Now, I am logical enough to know this doesn't mean they aren't there anymore, but how exciting to think of the possibility they aren't - or at least have shrunk to the size that is unfeelable. This is elation. We discussed going forward with scheduling the CT scan after my next treatment, even though it is early. She did advised me, that the results of this scan could be misleading. She said there is a real possibility that they could come back showing the tumors as unchanged, or possibly having grown a bit. But this did not reflect a negative, it just would mean we haven't been on the new drug long enough to really know what is happening. Fair enough - makes sense. Just am not feeling that is going to be the case. We'll see. ;-)

This has really boosted my spirits. I think this was the first real GOOD news I've received since I've been doing this dance, so I'll take it - I'll take it all and let it fill me and make me feel good. It's funny, today I finally felt like - now that I've lost my hair, I can stop worrying about it and concentrate fully on kickin this cancers ass. Finally got that out of the way, ya know? Totally different perspective than what I have been feeling. Plus the fact that I'm getting a 'new routine' on getting ready for the day. It is pretty nice to not have to futz with my hair. I just put my make-up on and go. And, Judy made me more wonderful scarves - they are awesome! They are so comfy, I love them.

Pastor Mary had given me a bible passage to read before my treatment today (got your message btw, thank you, just in time for treatment - perfect!) and PJ and I were talking about this on the way to treatment. We were talking about reading the bible in general and I was saying that I was looking for this passage last night in bed and couldn't find it (why I called Pastor Mary this morning) and so I started reading each book of the bible in section 6 to try to find it, and promptly fell asleep. I commented that I didn't really need to take Tylenol PM, I could just start reading the Bible. PJ said he had tried a number of times in his life to read it cover to cover and failed. Too boring. So then we started playing the typical 'which star would you sleep with' game, well, that's what it was SUPPOSED to be about, instead, our conversation was which star could read the Bible to you - how pathetic is this conversation? Curious of who we named? Thought so - I first said Patrick Stewart could read the Bible to me - he's got the best voice. PJ said Charleton Heston, to which I said NOT!!! That would make me fall asleep even faster - then I said Patrick Swayze, but only Roadhouse Patrick Swayze, then I said Edward Norton (oh yea) and PJ said Selma Hayack and I ended the conversation. These are our car ride conversations. We also discuss the economy, politics, bumper stickers and other stuff, but you don't want to hear about that.

Got home at a decent time, for once, and got some good quality time with my girls. Helped Madeline with her VBS homework this evening after dinner (thank u Karen - VERY yummy), which was fun one on one time - then paid bills - yuk. Sometimes I think we'll just never make enough money, do you feel that way? Oh well, it will all be fine, that's what I keep telling my husband. Don't you worry - everything is going to be fine. We just have to keep working hard, praying hard and helping our fellow man. God will provide. Then PJ looks at me funny, and I just make a fart sound and smile. That usually works. Even bald.

I'm going now to clean the bathroom, steroids are still in full force from today, and I've got energy to burn. Good night to all, and God Bless.

Stupid Cancer

Today was busy, real busy mommy stuff. I loved every minute of it, but got very tired. Not the normal mommy tired, it was a different kind of tired. I was fortunate enough to have some lovely friends who have decided to gather with me once a week and pray with me as a source of strength and reminder - as Pastor Mary says, this is not a race, it is a marathon. That it is. To know I have potentially 9/10 more months of this is sometimes extremely overwhelming. I often wonder if I can make it, what I will look like at the end of it, those kinds of things. And to know that I will continue to do all the things that normal moms do, like take their kid to vacation bible school, go to playdates, go to the movies, enroll them in school - all these are done with this stupid cancer thing laying on top of it. I'm so fortunate, in so many ways, that my girls are the ages they are - that they are so completely unaffected by this for the reason of their sheer innocence, but then I get angry that it's robbed me of being a normal mom and being able to just focus on them through this period of their development. It really pisses me off.

So that lead me to think, maybe I need to focus on them more - and not ignore my cancer, that would be utterly impossible, but stop treating it as if it is the ONLY important thing going on right now - because for my kids, it's not the most important thing to them. Madeline wants to talk about the new movie I bought her, Corpse Bride, and that seems to be really important to her right now. Ginger likes to watch my face as she scoots back to sit down on our fireplace, because she knows she's not supposed to do that, that seems to be really important to her right now. I feel my children have more to teach me, and maybe I need to start paying attention a little more. That doesn't mean giving up my fight, it means continuing to live through the fight. I don't this cancer to rob me of anymore than it already is, if that makes any sense. As much as it is the focus of anyone who sees me, it doesn't need to be MY focus everyday. I wake up, pray to the Lord above to continue fighting this thing w/ me hand in hand, and then set out for my day with the fight and purpose I had before, just better focused now.

This may sound like babbling tonight, it kinda feels like it. I am tired, and we have treatment tomorrow - just the one drug, Taxol, which is good. Hopefully we won't be as long as before, we certainly shouldn't be. So tonight, in the words of Lynn Eib, who continually speaks to me in ways I cannot describe:

Lord, I pray that You will give me a cheerful heart, in spite of all that still is ahead for me. I know I don't have to smile and pretend I'm happy and that everything is alright. But I do want to feel Your quiet joy in me and even hear laughter from my lips. I want to remember that there is life after, and even with cancer.

Wish me luck tomorrow - one more down, one less to go!!! Game On!!

'Ahoy There Matey'? Are U frickin kidding me?

So, that comment above is what someone greeted me with this morning as I arrived to drop off Madeline @ VBS. Now, let me explain that I had was in pretty good spirits this morning, despite being a little late in leaving, I felt really good about how I looked this morning. I elected for a small black cap with one of these pretty sparkly chiffon scarves tied around it. I thought it was subtle (as subtle as a 6 foot bald woman can be) but I in know way thought I looked like a pirate. Guess I was wrong. What struck me was not just the comment, but the way I felt as soon as I heard it. I was angry. Really angry. Now, I'm glad I wasn't bursting into tears, but I'm disappointed in myself for having this type of reaction, because, the last thing I need to be, is more angry. That doesn't help in my healing, at all. There was also an overwhelming part of me which almost burst out "Are you fucking kidding me? You did NOT just say that to me." But, thank God I had sense enough to know that was not an appropriate comment to make at a church, much less with numerous children running about for the first day of registration for Vacation Bible School. For the record, I don't curse that often, but I do feel that some situations in this life are designed specifically for the use of certain words - cancer is one of them, and addressing stupid people is another.

So - I go about my day. Ginger and I ran some errands together, and I can tell the more time I spend with her one on one, the more she is so much like me. Such a flair for the dramatics - all the horrible things I put my mother through when I was little I'm afraid have come back to me in the form of my second born. She is a pistol. I have no specific story on this today, I just love watching her grow into the person she is to be, and marvel at her awareness at the young age of 13 months. Absolutely mind boggling. I just can't seem to hug her tight enough, or kiss her chubby little cheeks hard enough.

I visited the American Cancer Society in Prescott, and met a lovely woman by the name of Deborah who volunteers there. She was just precious, and inspiring being a 2 time breast cancer survivor. We chatted and hugged and prayed together and she had a nurse feed Ginger some yogurt while I looked through some sleep caps cuz my head gets very cold at night and all I have to sleep in are really tight. Hopefully, some of these worn ones will do the trick. In any case, I found a new friend, and felt inspired by her volunteer work. I told her I'd be willing to assist her in this when I get a handle on my own disease. I can't wait to give back.

Tonight PJ and I got to go to the movies, thanks to Cat. She is such a blessing. I thought PJ deserved an early Fathers Day gift, so I took Cat up on her offer for movie tickets and babysitting and we went and saw Star Trek. It was AWESOME!!! We had a blast and stuffed our faces full of popcorn and held hands like little kids. Glad I brought my cancer jacket (this is a fleece hoodie we bought at KMart the day I was diagnosed - I got cold that day and needed something quickly, so for $5 this has now been deemed my cancer jacket - it's warm and very tacky) because you think it gets cold in a movie theater? Try being bald - it gets REALLY cold.

We're home now to a quiet house, we'll see how long it takes one of the girls to make it to our bed. ;-) PJ and I were just speaking about our dog, Snickers, and how her breath is absolutely wretched. (yes, I am telling you this) I called it 'canal breath', because it reminded me of the smell of the waterdogs my dad used to bring home for me as a kid in this special kind of pail. In describing this pail to PJ, he has now enlightened me to the fact that is it called a 'bait pail'. Hmmmm...... I ponder this term - then he asks me "how long did you keep the waterdogs as pets?" I reply that I can't really seem to remember them being around for very long, or in anything besides the 'bait pail'. Now I realize, they were bait, not pets. I tell PJ he has now ruined this memory for me, and I have something to discuss with my father on Sunday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to share this odd story, I thought it was funny. And odd. That's all.

I wanted to close with a portion from my devotional which, ironically enough, has to do with hair loss since I am still trying to wrap my bare naked brain around this. I wish I could type the whole passage, but it would be too long, and I'm getting tired - so I'll share a portion of the prayer, because it was my devotional for Fri, but I've gone back and have read it each night now.

Lord, I lay my appearance before Your throne. I stand amazed that You know how many hairs are on my head and how many I will lose as I battle this cancer. I thank You for teaching me the meaning of true beauty through this. You desire the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in Your sight. Thank You for Your love and patience toward me as You peel away layers of vanity and pride. I praise You for the gift of Your peace that passes all understanding!

Laura Geist


He is still peeling away these layers - with my tears falling down, but keeping my face looking up. God Bless and Good Night.

Some Like It Hot!

Great day today - church was awesome as always, and I went sporting one of my new little fashionable scull cap things with a pretty scarf tied around it. It was pretty obvious I was bald underneath, but it is way more comfortable than a wig. Plus, I'm not real keen yet on putting on a wig on my newly bald head, like that Verizon commercial, 'wigs are kinda scratchy!!'

Therefore, lots of hugs today. And, lots of looks again while we were out running errands. But to be honest, I'm not looking at anyone - I'm looking at my beautiful family, and how much they DON'T see anything different. It's pretty cool. We went grocery shopping and then went out to lunch, and here's where I went a little crazy.

You know the whole taste buds thing, right? How I can't taste really anything - except like, fresh stuff and hot stuff - anything processed tastes awful. Well, I was determined to taste something today, so I am literally, eating jalapenos (pickled not fresh) one by one. I've always liked them, but have NEVER been able to eat them this way. Also, I order a buffalo chicken sandwich and am dipping EVERYTHING into the buffalo sauce. PJ and I have decided this would be the time to start earning some cash at some bars by daring to eat hot things, cuz I can't really taste it in full flavor, it's kinda muted. I had the best meal today - all obnoxiously HOT stuff - but at least I could TASTE it. It was wonderful. Yes, I was smart enough to take a couple tums when I got home.

Madeline starts Vacation Bible School this week, so I'm excited for her, and for me to have a week of normal mom things to do. Sometimes sitting at home makes me think about the cancer too much - I love playing with my kids, but those moments where it's quiet, it get REALLY quiet for me sometimes. So this will be a nice week of change. Plus, I get to see all my wonderful mom friends that I haven't seen for awhile - you don't realize how much you take for granted seeing them when you drop off your kid at school. I've missed them.

I wanted to share something my good friend Judy wrote to me tonight (I hope you don't mind me sharing this Judy). This has to be one of the most lovely things anyone has ever said to me, and I wanted to share this because it brought such comfort to my frustratingly insecure heart. I'm still getting used to my 'new' look, and this was just a beautiful thing to share with me, and her timing is impeccable.

"In looking at your pictures of your beautiful new do – I couldn't’t help think of Sinead O’Connor in the 90’s. you are both beautiful and in some ways more so because your hair doesn’t detract from the glow in your eyes. Peter (the apostle) talks about this in 1 Peter when he says that a woman’s beauty shouldn't come from her adornment but rather a peaceful joy in her spirit that causes her to be truly beautiful. It’s so true. You are beautiful. Your eyes, smile and spirit are shining – thank you for letting the world see it!"

Thank you friend, and thanks again to all who have sent me equally supportive emails and encouragement. I read everything, and am so blessed to have you all supporting me. God Bless.

Bald is the New Black

Well, we went to the Relay for Life yesterday, and even though we were small in team numbers, we were large in spirit. It was so nice to be there - and I did have mixed feelings about this. We left Ginger home w/ Nancy (my continual God sent angel) and PJ, Madeline and I went yesterday afternoon and left in the evening. We weren't able to stay through the night (I got soooo tired) but I am, glad we went. I wasn't really sure I was able to go and be a cancer patient fighting this thing in front on a lot of people. I mean, up until this point, I've been able to pretty much control who I surrounded myself with and who I let 'in' so to speak to this little new world of ours. This was awkward, I'm not going to lie, I felt like a sick cancer patient walking around. I need to realize it's important to work through this feeling and come through on the other end fighting. I'm not 'defeated' by any means, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just feel like I look pitiful to others. It infuriates me to see pity in people's eyes when they look at me - because I can't control what they are seeing. Truth is, I never could - I fool myself into thinking I was in control of this before. Funny, this is just another frightening reflection on our constant obsession with what others think of us, it continues to amaze me. So, I'm working through this feeling, and continue to pray through it a lot. I am slowly coming to a private peaceful place with this disease, a place of acceptance and it's not coming easily, but I feel it creeping in. A peaceful place for me to be to fight this. One that is hard to explain, but very easy to feel. He brings this to me in small doses, so as to not overwhelm me I think. PJ saw it while he was shaving my head the other night, he asked me if I was OK and I said 'yes, why?' and he said 'I don't know, I just feel this overwhelming sense of peace from you right now'. He is right. It has started.

My Avastin side effects have come into full swing, I get spontaneous nose bleeds, but they seem to only happen in the morning when I wake up, so again, manageable. Just need to keep tissues around me when I'm out just in case. This drug stops the blood flow to fast dividing cells, so I guess the blood has to go somewhere, right? Still yukky, but manageable.

Here are some pics from last night. I need to thank Jennifer and her boys, Amy, Jeannie and her mom and Kylie for forming this team for me. It was an important night for me on many levels, and I was so proud to walk for the cause. Thank you to all who donated to the American Cancer Society - they are doing such wonderful things. It's all about the fight now, so in the words if Bono, Walk On.

Thinner

Well, my hair is really coming out now. I'm seeing things on my scalp I never knew were there. Some moles and such. It was weird, we were having dinner and a neighbor suddenly appeared to give us some coupons (she is very sweet and does this quite often) and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the need to jump up and go put on a scarf or something. I didn't like that feeling very much, being embarrassed. I haven't felt that until now. Yukky.

I did wear my Captain Stubbing to my echo cardiogram this afternoon, which went fine by the way. It is really cool. I will have PJ take pics of it to show you and post them this weekend. I'm not much in the mood for pics tonight. I like the Captain Stubbing, it is going to be a nice option. She (Mary Jo at the Wigwam) also make me a pair of bangs, just bangs to pin into a scarf - it is really cool! And, she did both of these for me for no charge. Very cool.

I'm feeling fine today, was a little tired this afternoon but I think that was because I was up with Ginger @ 3am - and we never really fell back asleep after that. Typical mother tired - can't complain about that. But the day after my treatment is usually fine, still hopped up on the steroids, so that provides a comforting high. We'll see how I am tomorrow. Unfortunately, when I catch a glimpse of myself, it still takes me by surprise. I mean, I'm kind of getting into the swing of how these treatments make me feel, and learning to really manage them in a way. But, I can't seem to get used to the way the treatments are making me look. I still feel like Dina, I just don't look like her, or what I remember her looking like - if that makes any sense. I wonder if that will get any easier. I'm growing into a comfortable place with the feelings, but not into the physical changes yet - I guess. It's frustrating. It's like a pass by a mirror can just take the wind out of my sails. Again, with the mirrors. Hmmm.

We have the relay for life tomorrow so I most likely will not post tomorrow night. But will have some great pics from it to post on Sat. So I'm going to get some sleep tonight, I'm a bit tired and the acid reflux is starting to set in, so I must go take a prilosec. Thank you GOD for these pills - they are AWESOME! Much better than those horrible Gaviscon. I'm so glad I don't have to relive that experience. As I'm sure you all are so I won't have to bitch about it here again. ;-)

Much love to all, thank you for your prayers and good wishes.


*Just had to edit this post from earlier - I had PJ shave my head to the skin tonight - thought we'd just get this over with and stop the constant torture of my hair constantly falling out everywhere. I'm so glad he was the one to do this. I love him so much, I didn't think PJ and I could get any closer than we already were, but we have and our relationship continues to grow in ways I could have never imagined. Here are the fresh pics - and I did make them black and white because I'm just not used to the whiteness of my newly bald head yet - it's so weird. Here's to the final transition - and a new beginning as far as we're concerned. Let's kick this cancer's ass. Upward and onward.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Chemo...

So today was the day - and gladly, no reaction to the new drug - Hooray! Well, not yet. I think I am fully prepared drug wise to counteract anything at this point, so I'm not really worried. Today's appointment was, however, so very long. They were very behind and after bloodwork (which came back great btw) I didn't even START my treatments until 12:30. Therefore, wasn't done until after 4pm, therefore, missed my echo cardiogram appt. Sooooooo, we all get to drive to lovely Cottonwood tomorrow at 1pm for this silly test. Wasn't really prepared for a full family outing tomorrow, but I'm learning daily to roll with the punches with this thing. You never know what is going to happen, how I'm going to feel, blah blah blah. Certainly keeps life exciting.

During my treatment today, after PJ and I prayed before they started the new drug, I started listening to this really cool cd PJ's Aunt Keitha sent me. It's positive visualization for cancer patients, and it's very relaxing. I really enjoyed the part I heard, problem was, it apparently was so relaxing, I fell asleep. I'm hoping subconsciously I heard it all, but fell asleep nonetheless. I'll try it again next time and see if I can stay awake. PJ and I started talking at one point today (since we had a LOT of time to kill) that since I can't taste anything, it would be really cool if someone would open a bar for chemo patients with ports, then, they could just administer drinks to patients through the port. You'd feel the effects of the drink without having to drink them - cool eh? I know, we thought it was funny. We aren't always everyone's cup of tea.

OH - the last couple of treatments, we end up in this like, back area of the treatment area. They are kinda like cubicles with lazy boys facing windows - and they are always so full, we end up in the one on the end with all the supplies, spare gurney, water bottles (PJ replaced one for the nurses staff today) - like we're in the 'supply room of the chemo area'. It's really funny. I told him that I guess this is just supposed to be our area, even though it looks like they decided they could fit a Lazy Boy in this room AFTER they made it a supply area. they were like "yea, this could be a chemo area - why not?" I guess it's better me than one of the older patients - they deserve the pretty view, I have my beautiful husband to look at. (I know, cue vomit sounds)

So know it's the waiting game, let's see what will happen to Dina this week! I'm walking in the Relay For Life on Friday - me, PJ and Madeline are, and if I'm feeling OK, we'll stay the night. (it's from 6pm to 8am the next morning) If I'm not, then we may not be able to camp out for the evening. We'll see - but I am so looking forward to spending an evening around such a wonderful event and such supportive people. Really exciting stuff. And thank you to all who donated - it means so much to me, truly.

To close, I wanted to share with you a discussion PJ and I had on our family walk after dinner tonight (yummy chicken enchiladas, thank you Lonnie what a blessing). PJ said he just wants to get through this second cycle of treatments so we can get the CT scan and see how much longer we have to do this so we can get back to our lives. He says he just is choosling to see this as a big inconvenience. One of those things in life you just have to go through, and just get it over with. Now, I did not hear this as I am a big inconvenience (as I"ve done int he past and was very upset), so my thought pattern didn't go in that direction this time, as it has in the past - thank you God. But, I said to him I couldn't look at this so simply. Lord I wish I could - but I just can't. I mean, I have started praying for divine intervention, it feels a little strange to me, but I've started. (saying the words out loud too) But I don't want to simplify this experience to a mere inconvenience? Or maybe I should be? Would that assist in my attitude? I don't know. I want to be realistic, but I also know, when this is all said and done I will NOT be able to go back to our life as it was - because I am not the same person, mother, wife I was before I was diagnosed. I'm still figuring out who that person is, but it's definitely different that what I was. I guess I really don't have an answer here, just that I am starting to pray differently, and that started last night, and it helped me immensely today. I found myself in a few quiet, reflective moments today. Not bad places, just quiet. Perhaps I need to ponder PJ's comments a little further, and learn to lighten up a bit. Maybe that is what his words are teaching me. I'm learning so much through this journey, from everyone. People I don't even know, to the people that are closest to me. Absolutely amazing.

God Bless - and thank you for your prayers. They are working.

The New Normal

I just love being a mom. It is by far the hardest job I've ever done in my life, even after 20 years in the insurance industry, but the best job by far. And, I just love being Madeline and Ginger's mom - they just rock. Today was a good day, woke up again with Madeline in our bed, and to be honest, I no longer have any recollection of her coming into our room and getting in bed with us. It's like groundhog day, I can remember the scenario, but it could be last night, or 2 weeks ago, the scenario is the same. I'm really not complaining though, she is so cuddly and sweet, just angelic. We ate strawberries this morning and pulled everything out of the kitchen cabinets, watched Sesame Street and sang songs together. I remember a time not so long ago when I would rush through these times to get to nap time so I could email or catch up on something I was doing alone - now, these are my favorite times, and although I like their nap times so I can finally clean up the kitchen, I really just wait for them to wake up so we can play some more.

I went and spoke w/ Pastor Mary this afternoon, because, well, Pastor Mary is like my lava lamp you see. (I've told her this) I need to see her every once in awhile, get all warmed up and filled with her presence so I can go out into this world with my head pointed up towards God and fight this cancer - then eventually, a couple weeks later, I seem to just start to run cold, and my head starts to lower a bit, so I gotta go see her again and get all warmed up and filled up again. She reminded me again today that when I do not have the strength to pray, or to be positive, that others are there to do this for me. I still am baffled by this concept. See, I was raised to believe that if you can't do it yourself, it's not worth doing. I'm one of those really annoyingly independent women (just ask my husband) who was bound and determined to make it on my own, and I did by all accounts. So when I hear that people are there to help me, let alone help me when I am WEAK - it's about all I can do to swallow this. I believe her, it's not that - I just don't feel - well, worthy of it, if that makes any sense. I don't feel deserving of such warmth and generosity. Remember, I am a 'do it yourself or you don't deserve it' kind of gal. So when she explains this to me, I cannot contain myself - the tears just flow, and flow and flow. I am humbled.

I know I need to pray more - it's really the only thing that takes my fear away. I do pray, but lately, all I've been doing is praying in my head - it is way different if I take the time to pray out loud. To hear yourself praying out loud, makes it much more real, and for me, so many other things are revealed to me if I do it this way. But this requires some real effort - real effort on my part. For my own sake, I must start doing this more. Otherwise, I'm afraid my fear will once again get the best of me, like it did in the very beginning. I am much happier when I pray more. Probably because it releases the fear immediately, which is amazing to me.

Speaking of fear, I have some fear about tomorrow. I took my 4 steroid pills in preparation, so I'll probably get all my laundry done tonight. I could probably do yours too if you want (they make me a little wired and um, energetic to say the least). But I will pray out loud tonight and see if I sleep better.

I have chosen to take a break from a web site for advanced breast cancer that I am a member of, mostly because I think I was starting to just read the wrong things. I was drawn to things that didn't lift me up, and I fixated on things that were not positive for me. So, I'm taking a break from it. (with the exception of my German friend who is going through the same treatment as me - I continue to communicate with her) It's funny, I am usually the person to reach out and help others, and that is what this website is designed for along with exchanging information and experiences, but I just don't know how to be helpful to anyone yet. I just have not been able to wrap my brain around this new normal yet, so I don't feel like I have any advice or experience to share that could lift anyone. I have trouble lifting myself up, as you can see.

New drug tomorrow, so wish me luck. Then, after all my treatments are through, I get to go have another echo cardiogram done - but it's on the way home. Lucky me, eh? Good thing is, after this treatment, 2 more to go then we get to book a CT scan to see how far these cancer cells have shrunk up to nothing - we should know then how much longer I'll need to continue treatment. I'm anxious to know where in the window of 6-12 months I fall.

Much love to all - and thank you for your continued prayers. I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me. I will continue to thank you. Thank you.

Who's In Control Here - Really?

Today was just about like any other day. Sprinkled with subtle reminders of my breast cancer, but almost like any other day. I had signed us up for the kids summer movies at the Harkins in Prescott Valley - so Madeline and I went to the movies this morning to see Horton Hears a Who. Very sweet movie and so much fun to go w/ Madeline - a real mom and daughter day at the movies. I was not in the mood to wear a wig today, so my experience was 'sprinkled' with looks from people staring at me in my scarf, but, that's ok. To me, I was still one of the moms there with my kid to watch a movie, eat popcorn (even though I couldn't taste it) and sip my diet coke (thank you GOD I can still taste this!). We had a great time. We ran into one of her little friends from school - it was so cute to watch them hold hands and run into the theater. So sweet.

I am finding myself connecting with my kids in a deeper manner than before. I know this is because I am so tuned in to the way they see me. And I can't even say "the way they see me NOW" - because it's the way they've always seen me, it's the way I understand it NOW - crazy huh? It is such a remarkable feeling. My little Ginger is such a little mama's girl too - much more than Madeline was, and I think a part of me was a little afraid this would change when my looks began to change (again, society and what it has ingrained in me as acceptable human behavior). She still wants her mommy, and only her mommy and I love it. My kids fight over who mom is going to hold first, and I love it. I'll take this fight all day long. Tonight, Madeline asked if my hair had all fallen out yet as she peeked under my scarf. I said no and she asked me to take off my scarf, so I did. She looked at me and said "just leave it off mom, don't put the scarf back on". She is my little angel.

I do find however, my need for prayer becoming more consistent. My conversations with God are continuous throughout my day. (Sidenote - I have Singing In The Rain playing on the TV in the background right now, and it just fills my heart, I love this film) Anyway, my conversations w/ God are becoming very consistent, and very - well, pointed. I always thank God first, in every conversation I have with him, I thank him first for all I have, for my beautiful family and wonderful friends and so many blessings - and ask him to help those who don't have these things in their lives because I can't imagine going through life, much less breast cancer, without these people in my life. I can't even imagine. Then, I've just gotten a little dark in my conversations with him, and I don't know why. I truly feel in my heart that I will beat this - that this is the path I was supposed to walk down, and I will beat this. But then I find myself asking why again, and I really hate going to this place. Trying to pinpoint the moment I got cancer and this kind of thinking is just not helpful for me - I know this, but I can't help it. I know I need to be concentrating on God's love and healing. But I consistently battle with what I think I can control, and who is really in control. To be honest, as I type this, I think I did this BEFORE I had cancer too - about other things, about everything.

Then, I read my devotional for today, and here's what it says (a portion of a prayer):

I thank You, in faith, that You will make my way perfect, that You desire to do that for me. I confess I often try to make my own way or even think my way is more perfect. Forgive me for this. I praise You for Your cleansing and forgiveness through Jesus Christ.
Father, You are my sovereign Lord. I know that all things come through Your hands. You allow things in my life for a greater purpose than I often understand. I thank You for Your promise that You will work all things together for good. You are in the process of molding me and making me more Christlike. As I go through this process, I know You will get me to where I need to be. Thank you for making my way perfect.

Susan Sorenson


OK? Heeellllloooooo!!!! Wha? Could this be more appropriate???? So scary sometimes. I think I was headed in the right direction of always thanking first, I just need to keep thanking, thanking Him for getting me where I need to be and trusting Him to continue to do so. That's the hard word for me, trust - I'm such a frickin control freak - I can't help it. But, if I really think about it - I can't control this, only He can. As much as I think I can, I just can't. He is the little voice inside me that is always right, always saying the right things, always warning me when something is wrong. He is the source of my strength, therefore, He is the one I must trust.

This seems to be a work in progress for me - which I hope doesn't count against me - cuz I'm getting better at it!

My Wig? Gone With The Wind.

No, that didn't actually happen to me. Wouldn't that have been the best though? But I did finally go out in public with my wig on. I went to the WigWam (can we get more stereotypical of a wig shop in Prescott?) and my new good friend Mary Jo styled this cheap wig I bought that I thought I could maybe use to just run to the store or something. The other wig I bought is more, well, just MORE. Anyhoo, it didn't turn out that bad! It actually looked pretty decent. It's the kind of wig that will make me just blend into the common public, which is a really nice option. However, when it's windy, since it's not your hair attached to your head, you don't know when it's standing straight up - so it's important to check yourself a couple times. The things I am learning. I went to Michael's with this on, and didn't feel stared at or anything. I wore the MORE wig to church this morning and someone asked me if I got my hair highlighted. Guess it looks pretty natural. This was nice, however, this was also said by the woman who watches Ginger and she knows I have breast cancer and saw me with the super short hair cut last week, so while I'm flattered that she thought I had my hair highlighted, I'm also concerned with the fact that the woman who watches my toddler doesn't remember me from last week. Hmmm. Anyway, my friend Jennifer brought up a fabulous point -she said "Dina, this way when you don't want people to talk to you about your cancer when you're out, wear a wig - when you feel like chatting about it, wear your scarf." Brilliant! However, I'm finding these wigs slightly uncomfortable. So there will most likely be days where I will just not want to wear one out. I couldn't rip that wig off fast enough when we returned home from church. I've advised my family that I will be 'free balding' it here at home.

Now here's the lesson this weekend for me. My 3 year old has taught me more about humanity than anyone else through this experience. She has seen me with long hair, short hair, with basically no hair, in 2 different wigs, and has said NOTHING. She literally doesn't see my hair - I can't tell you how this makes me feel and how it feels to experience someone treating you as a PERSON, by who you are, not what you look like. I know this seems like a simple concept - but read my sentence again and really read it. I am painfully aware now of how I see people. I see the packaging first, not the person inside. I am trying now to see past the packaging - it is indeed, so irrelevant. This my friend, is life changing kind of shit. Amazing. Today at lunch she said 'mommy, the medicine you are taking is going to make your hair fall out, right?' I answered "yes, it is. but when I'm done I get to grow nice new hair - that will be cool, right" and she said "yes, can it be pink? pink is my favorite color!" I told her I'd work on that. ;-)


As silly as this sounds, as many times we've all heard this life lesson throughout our lives, in high school and all that stuff - I have actually been given the gift of being able to experience this - this profound love of a child which sees only people - nothing else. Can you imagine? I know! I can't either!!! Isn't that a shame? I'm really going to work on this. I think this is one of the most important messages I've received through this. I feel like there are no words in the English language to describe this feeling. I hope I'm doing it justice with the words I have chosen here.


Here are some pics of the wigs, and I dunno, I think PJ looks dead sexy in these, way better than me. We had quite a few giggles about this - sometimes we are all just great big children ourselves, aren't we? We can only hope. God Bless.

Do You Need Help With That?

Well, it has started. I went out in public for the first time today, with my little scarf on, and it's pretty clear now, to all that see me, that I am sick. I didn't realize how good I had it before. I almost wish I had kept my hair just a little longer. I didn't even think about this part.

I went to Walmart today to pick up a couple things, and I was treated so much differently, it was funny actually. Well, first of all, it's Walmart - another frickin universe unto itself. In general we must prepare ourselves to enter it's doors - but now, I must prepare even more. I get a lot more smiles I must admit, which was nice. Except from some of the younger, teenager types - they were the ones, at least today, who stared. Oddly enough, this did not bother me. Everyone else seemed to smile. Smile with just a hint of pity. I went to the sewing area to pick out some material - a friend of mine gave me some of her little scarves when she went through chemo and I really love them. They are the most comfortable of everything I've acquired - so I thought I would pick out some more fun material and see if she can make me some more. (Scooby Doo was one I picked out - Madeline will LOVE this, especially if I got enough material to make her one too! I hope I did) ANYWAY - I had one woman ask me outright if I had breast cancer, and I answered yes. She had a very sweet face. The woman helping me said "Well, attitude is everything - you've got a good one!" Whew! Glad to know this! Then I had to go pick up something from Site to Store shipping, and I had to show ID to pick it up. I whipped out my drivers license and it really just took me by surprise, I looked at it and blurted out "Wow - that's me with hair!" The woman was clearly taken aback by this, I felt horrible for making her feel so uncomfortable. I just had forgotten what that picture looked like - it's not like I ponder over my drivers license for hours on end. She must have asked me 5 times if I needed help out with my package. Then the cashier just started putting all my bags into my cart for me. No one has ever done this. So I think this is just the beginning. I'm so very curious at how people will treat me differently.

Had a lovely playdate today, Sarah, my new friend brought over yummy lunch and her beautiful little girls and we had a lovely time. I'm so blessed not only with the wonderful friends I have made, but all the new friends I am making through this process. I just wonder if the 'newness' of my cancer will wear off, and I will find myself talking about things other than my cancer eventually - OR - maybe my cancer is the new conversation to have? Hmmmmm. It doesn't bother me to talk about it, in fact, it's quite helpful to me. I'd much rather have people ask me a ton of questions than just sit and awkwardly talk about the weather or something stupid like that. (unless the weather is particularly noteworthy, which in this case, AZ - it is not usually) I just feel kinda selfish sometimes, like it's ALL I'm talking about. I don't know, I guess it'll figure itself out.

Then, another awesome MOPS mom, Amy, made us a yummy chicken enchilada dinner. Again, I can't tell you how much these meals help us. It has always been so important to me to sit down as a family and have meals together. And this treatment regime makes me so tired, it is such a life saver to not have to worry about preparing these meals. Again, how very blessed we are. Thank you all.

I can tell I haven't had treatment this week. I almost feel like normal Dina today (well, normal but balding) which was really nice. Next treatment is going to be a bitch though - not only am I starting a new drug (a 90 minute drip) they also had to schedule me for another echo cardiogram because I 'm going off the Sutent for the study. So after treatment (Benedryl, steroid, Taxol, Avastin) then we stop in Cottonwood for the echo - ARG. I told PJ to just turn and point me in the direction I need to go on Wed. I'll be a zombie by the time I get home.

We have home projects planned for the weekend, so I can REALLY feel normal. I'm going to get my wig styled tomorrow morning, so that should be exciting. And, hopefully pick up my Captain Stubbing. (this was the balding Captain of The Love Boat - for all you young people who don't know what I"m referring to - I had to explain this recently, so I thought I'd clarify) I know, you're jealous!

Love to all -