Dina Goes all GI Jane on ya'll -

Yes, PJ shaved my head tonight. I know, I just had my hair cut this past weekend, but I took a shower this evening w/ Madeline (we do that sometimes) and my hair was really falling out all over the place making such a mess - and anyone who knows me knows - I don't do 'mess'. It was time. Everyone said I would know when it was time, and in the shower, I knew. So we ate dinner, put the kids to bed, PJ went to the store to pick me up more crap for my aching mouth sores bless his heart, and then I sat in the middle of the kitchen and he shaved my head. I didn't go to the skin, I couldn't do that for some reason, more like GI Jane. Now, I'll just let it fall out unless it starts itching me horribly, we'll see. And then yes, my sweet husband shaved his head as well. I have the best husband in the whole world.

I cried a lot today. Please don't think I do this in front of my kids, I have on occasion, but for the most part - I save these times for private. My kids are aware that I cry, which I think is important, but they mostly know me as happy Mommy and I'd like to try to keep it that way. Today was just one of those rough days. I don't feel well, and that is so frustrating to me. I don't like not feeling good - I have too much to do. And these mouth sores are so very uncomfortable. I go in for blood work tomorrow and will be asking my Dr for some remedies to recommend because at this point I'll try anything.

The other thing that occurred yesterday, which is really important that I forgot to mention earlier was the clinical trial drug I was on has been discontinued. My dr called me yesterday to tell me to stop taking the Sutent (oral drug I took daily) immediately as they have stopped this trial drug because the results from the Avastin were more effective that the Sutent. Sooooo, I will receive Avastin along with the Taxol at my next treatment (next Wed). Now, Avastin is intravenous like the Taxol is - so this means my treatments will now last a little longer than they did before. (they give these drugs one at a time, not all at once) In the end I'm relieved with this, I mean, I want the best drugs to kill this stuff, and if they found what I was on wasn't doing as well as the other drug - then by God give me the other drug, right? BUT - the other patient of my dr's who was on the Sutent is in complete remission, so I am a little conflicted on this. I just need to know that this all happened for a reason during MY treatment, and the powers that be put all this in order to make sure I was on the right medication. I need to just hold onto that, and keep powering through. I am a creature of habit, and was sort of in a routine, now the routine has changed, so I get shaken by this a bit - it's just who I am.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I think I might be a little blue this week because I'm not getting any sort of treatment, which may make people say wha? you should be thrilled with your week off - but, a week off means I'm not fighting this thing and that depresses me. I just need to learn to look at my week off as my body's chance to rest and get ready for round 2 of treatment. And boy do I need to rest. That last treatment kicked my ass.

I wanted to share something oddly ironic I rec'd in the mail today. I rec'd my renewal Actors Equity Association card in the mail today - which is not odd because I renew this every six months or so, I don't recall. What was odd that this time, unlike any other time (I've been union for 10 years now) this time it included a letter. They NEVER include any thing of this sort, and I wanted to share with you a portion of this letter:

"It has been said that an Actor must have the hide of a rhinocerous, the courage and audacity of a lion, and most importantly, the fragile vulnerability of an egg. It also has been said, and I'm not sure by whom, that the moment of not knowing is the moment that has the greatest potential for creativity. The professional and private lives of most Actors are filled to the brim with moments of not knowing. Actors are suvivors and will continue to strive because they have the need to celebrate, in performance, that sacred communion between Actor and audience."

Robert Prosky
1930-2008

On that note, here is a pic of me and my hubby - with matching hair do's. God Bless.

dina