People - People Being, People.

Went and picked up my mom's dog today to dogsit. She is a funny dog named Angel, a cross between a Beagle and a Boston Terrier - and she and our dog Snickers just have a ball together. So we are a house of 2 dogs now, for about a week or so. Nice to see my mom and Britt, we met at Sunset Point and had lunch and 'made the exchange'. Realized it had been way to long since we had seen my mom. Ok, since I had seen my mom. We live too close to not see each other more. I think, well, I know that our trips to Phx just aren't happening because of our trips to Sedona each week. It makes it hard, and expensive - to travel much more. Anyway, we have to fix it cuz I need my mom fix a little more than what I am getting - and so do my girls.

Met with my prayer warriors today - Jennifer has set up a weekly prayer circle for me which is just so humbling. I am still overwhelmed and blessed that people actually give up their time in the day to come and pray with me, for me, over me. Words cannot express how it makes me feel. It lifts me immensely, especially before my treatment days.

From there I went to the gym to work out again (2 in this week - yipee!) and I had such interesting observations of how people interacted with me. Now, I joined Curves because it is wicked low impact, all cardio resistance machines, and more importantly - it's all women. Something I thought would be a more comfortable environment. And it is, it's just today I happened to be there with a group of women I had not familiarized myself with as of yet. And I just observed them, observe me. Please know my writings here are not intended to solicit complements - they are truly to try to express how it felt to be the one looked at differently - and I was. I'm not in a pity party, this did not hurt my feelings, it was probably one of the more insightful moments this cancer has given me. I would not know this otherwise. As I worked out, a couple women noticed me and did the preverbial double take (does she have hair under that scarf? it doesn't look like it) those kinds of looks. The scarves I wear to work out in are pretty flimsy - so you can pretty much tell. Hello, I'm sweating? Why would I wear anything pretty or hot - right? Anyway, there were about 5 women in the circuit when I first arrived. They started talking about - hair styles. Isn't that ironic? Needless to say, I did not add to the conversation. I thought about it - but anything I thought of saying would sound too 'martyr' like, and I didn't want to sound like that. So I stayed quiet. Then, the conversation stopped and it was just very quiet. I caught people staring, then when I would look at them they would look away. I just wanted them to hold their gaze long enough to simply smile. Finally one woman did - I think she saw me catch her earlier and then made up for it. I just smiled. It was so unique to be on this side of it - because I can remember being the other people. I can remember staring at someone trying to figure out what was wrong, then looking away when I was caught. I am reminded of a sermon Pastor George gave a couple weeks ago, I wrote about it, the Wounded Savior - he told a story of someone with special needs he befriended and how he would spend time w/ him then go home to his family and thank the Lord for all his blessings. What he finally realized, was that he was really thanking the Lord he wasn't the man with special needs. First of all, what cahones it takes to admit this, and how true this is for me in this very moment. I did this - I secretly looked at people and was grateful it wasn't me. Am I ashamed? A little, but I'm also human. I just know now that I've been on the other side of this, and felt it all. I will always hold my gaze and give a smile, because I know how much that meant to me. I think we turn away because we are scared of our own mortality as well - it's hard to look at another woman who is battling breast cancer - because it COULD be you. But it's not - not now anyway. It is what it is, and if you would've told me 4 months ago I'd be sitting here writing this, I'd tell you that you were full of shit. And, I would have said that I wouldn't have been able to handle this under any circumstances - but I am. I'm doing it. Not alone thank God, but I am doing it. What tremendous insight I've been given to the human soul - to be able to have felt both sides of this is amazing.

Well, took my 4 steroid pills tonight so I'm wide awake. I will be taking my Tylenol PM here soon and heading to bed. We are up and out of here early in the am as I have labs at 8:45. Hopefully, this means that I will be in and out. Let's see, on the menu for tomorrow is Benedryl, steroids, Taxol, Avastin, Aredia, then something they shoot in during the taxol that keeps another side effect from rearing its ugly head. I gotta learn more about that one. Tomorrow is a looooong day. But, I look forward to my treatments to be honest. I feel like I'm doing something proactive - fighting this head on. And, of course I've baked brownies for my medical staff tomorrow - I think chocolate is always a good bet. Hopefully, we'll schedule my CT scan after tomorrows treatment - so that is exciting. Can you believe I'm through cycle #2 now? This one seemed to just fly by. Anyhoo, thank you for reading, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, and I'll be in touch tomorrow. God Bless. Night Night.