Home Sweet Home

So I returned late last night from the MOPS retreat and had a great time. I was feeling REALLY horrible on Friday morning, so I wasn't sure if I was even going to go at that point. The drug, Zometa, they give me for my bone mets does this great thing of returning the calcium stolen from this yukky cancer back into my bones - one of the side effects is that I can feel achy and feverish - and I woke up very early Fri morning with the chills and a fever. Luckily, I was able to just sleep - sleep (in the Wizard of Oz voice of 'Poppies - Poppies')My wonderful husband took over the kids in the early morning, getting them up and fed, then Nancy got here around 9am and I was able to just sleep all morning. I woke up, ate something, went back to bed - then around 1pm - took a shower and I was OK. Not great, but OK. Christy brought us yummy dinner so I didn't have to worry about that - Lord knows I was in no position to cook anything for my family. How blessed I continue to be to have this support system to help me on my bad days. And how lucky my bad days are really not that often. I read and hear such horror stories, I am certainly being prayed for a lot - it's working!

So it was nice to just be around moms and adults for a change, although I was totally out of my cancer comfort zone. I knew this was coming, so mentally I was prepared for it, but it still frustrated me more than anything. I am the type of person that just takes responsilbility for everything. Even things I can't control - this is who I am, I know this. So of course, I feel responsible for being the 'cancer patient' at this retreat and feel bad for making everyone feel wierd. Not that anyone even felt wierd, I mean, the people who KNOW me didn't feel wierd, but it was obvious to me that this stupid cancer is just the elephant in the room and I can see people feel awkward - and that makes me feel bad. Of course, I feel awkaward too - I was overwhelmed a couple times during this retreat of just wanting to be like everyone else - just wanting to worry about being a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband, not battling cancer on top of this. Then I'd get pissed that I had to do this at all. Then I would totally switch gears and think, why can't I just be OK with this? Why can't I just smile and be comfortable to be sitting here in a frickin beanie and take the 'c'est la vie' approach and just say with a big toothy smile on my face "God won't give us anything we can't handle!" and skip down the street giggling profusely. (not in a creepy way, in a happy go lucky way) I wish I could be that person. I'm not. It did make me analyze how I act in groups of people - because someone came up to me at one point and said "are you usually this quiet?" and I felt like saying "no, only when I have cancer." But of course I didn't, cuz that would make them feel bad. ;-) But seriously, I thought about this question - and the answer is yes. I usually am kinda quiet in group settings like this, especially when anything sport/physically related is concerned. I wasn't the FIRST to be picked for kickball teams in school, but I wasn't the last either. I just would rather sit around a table and debate a topic rather than have a human wheelbarrel contest, make sense? So in the end, I was glad to see that I was kinda acting like my old self, only with my new circumstances. Now that I just type that I know that my old self is, well, slowly morphing into someone else. It stirs inside me. It was a good bonding weekend, I am eager to get into my leadership role and bring everything I can to this organization. This organization saved me on so many levels as a mom, a wife and a woman. I am so excited to be part of this team this year. I would say the only bad thing about this was the exorbanant amount of heavy, fat laden food we all ate - I just want someone to sit on me and squish me like a toad. (nice visual, eh? thought you'd like that - it's EXACTLY how my belly feels) Not so bad of a drawback. ;-)

My husband was lovely to take my girls for this time for me, and when I got home, he put me in the shower and put me to bed. (actually we started watching Pinapple Express - HYSTERICAL - highly recommended) Got up at 5am - yes, 5 am thank you Miss Ginger - and got ourselves up and going. Church was lovely, then we came home and just spent a lovely day as a family. I've realized the places I feel completely safe and secure are home, and church. If you had told me 5 years ago I ever would have said that, I would have said you were completely full of shit. Anyway, I put Ginger down for a nap, then Madeline PJ and I played in the sprinklers. I know, I see my children differently than I've ever seen them before. I feel like a film has been removed from my eyes as I watch my little Madeline giggle - really giggle, the kind of sound that created the word 'giggle' as we play in the sprinklers. She says to me as I'm sitting down, "C'mon mom, have some fun!". Her eyes just dance. So I do, we all ran and sprayed each other - and I'd catch glimpses of the reflection of my white bald head in the arcadia door and be reminded - then let it go - reminded, then let it go - back and forth. I was doing an emotional dance of my own in the sprinklers today. I can't help my tears from falling as I write this. I know this is the process of learning to live with this - because, I've got some months to go here. I'm only down 2 months of treatment - I have potentially 4-10 months left. I can't imagine what I will have learned at the end of my treatments - I can hardly wait. We'll see what God has to show me. I feel like I see things differently every day.

I have my CT scan on Tues, so I'm going to ask for some prayers - for good news. In whatever form that is, I'll take some good news. I'm wearing a turban right now, and ya know what? These little guys are pretty comfortable! I feel like telling someone I'm ready for my close-up - but these are pretty comfy. I think I'll start looking for some more of these for around the house. And to close, I just want to remind you for this week of what my daughter reminded me of today 'C'mon mom, have some fun!' -

Go - have fun. God Bless.