The New Normal

I just love being a mom. It is by far the hardest job I've ever done in my life, even after 20 years in the insurance industry, but the best job by far. And, I just love being Madeline and Ginger's mom - they just rock. Today was a good day, woke up again with Madeline in our bed, and to be honest, I no longer have any recollection of her coming into our room and getting in bed with us. It's like groundhog day, I can remember the scenario, but it could be last night, or 2 weeks ago, the scenario is the same. I'm really not complaining though, she is so cuddly and sweet, just angelic. We ate strawberries this morning and pulled everything out of the kitchen cabinets, watched Sesame Street and sang songs together. I remember a time not so long ago when I would rush through these times to get to nap time so I could email or catch up on something I was doing alone - now, these are my favorite times, and although I like their nap times so I can finally clean up the kitchen, I really just wait for them to wake up so we can play some more.

I went and spoke w/ Pastor Mary this afternoon, because, well, Pastor Mary is like my lava lamp you see. (I've told her this) I need to see her every once in awhile, get all warmed up and filled with her presence so I can go out into this world with my head pointed up towards God and fight this cancer - then eventually, a couple weeks later, I seem to just start to run cold, and my head starts to lower a bit, so I gotta go see her again and get all warmed up and filled up again. She reminded me again today that when I do not have the strength to pray, or to be positive, that others are there to do this for me. I still am baffled by this concept. See, I was raised to believe that if you can't do it yourself, it's not worth doing. I'm one of those really annoyingly independent women (just ask my husband) who was bound and determined to make it on my own, and I did by all accounts. So when I hear that people are there to help me, let alone help me when I am WEAK - it's about all I can do to swallow this. I believe her, it's not that - I just don't feel - well, worthy of it, if that makes any sense. I don't feel deserving of such warmth and generosity. Remember, I am a 'do it yourself or you don't deserve it' kind of gal. So when she explains this to me, I cannot contain myself - the tears just flow, and flow and flow. I am humbled.

I know I need to pray more - it's really the only thing that takes my fear away. I do pray, but lately, all I've been doing is praying in my head - it is way different if I take the time to pray out loud. To hear yourself praying out loud, makes it much more real, and for me, so many other things are revealed to me if I do it this way. But this requires some real effort - real effort on my part. For my own sake, I must start doing this more. Otherwise, I'm afraid my fear will once again get the best of me, like it did in the very beginning. I am much happier when I pray more. Probably because it releases the fear immediately, which is amazing to me.

Speaking of fear, I have some fear about tomorrow. I took my 4 steroid pills in preparation, so I'll probably get all my laundry done tonight. I could probably do yours too if you want (they make me a little wired and um, energetic to say the least). But I will pray out loud tonight and see if I sleep better.

I have chosen to take a break from a web site for advanced breast cancer that I am a member of, mostly because I think I was starting to just read the wrong things. I was drawn to things that didn't lift me up, and I fixated on things that were not positive for me. So, I'm taking a break from it. (with the exception of my German friend who is going through the same treatment as me - I continue to communicate with her) It's funny, I am usually the person to reach out and help others, and that is what this website is designed for along with exchanging information and experiences, but I just don't know how to be helpful to anyone yet. I just have not been able to wrap my brain around this new normal yet, so I don't feel like I have any advice or experience to share that could lift anyone. I have trouble lifting myself up, as you can see.

New drug tomorrow, so wish me luck. Then, after all my treatments are through, I get to go have another echo cardiogram done - but it's on the way home. Lucky me, eh? Good thing is, after this treatment, 2 more to go then we get to book a CT scan to see how far these cancer cells have shrunk up to nothing - we should know then how much longer I'll need to continue treatment. I'm anxious to know where in the window of 6-12 months I fall.

Much love to all - and thank you for your continued prayers. I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me. I will continue to thank you. Thank you.