Stupid Cancer

Today was busy, real busy mommy stuff. I loved every minute of it, but got very tired. Not the normal mommy tired, it was a different kind of tired. I was fortunate enough to have some lovely friends who have decided to gather with me once a week and pray with me as a source of strength and reminder - as Pastor Mary says, this is not a race, it is a marathon. That it is. To know I have potentially 9/10 more months of this is sometimes extremely overwhelming. I often wonder if I can make it, what I will look like at the end of it, those kinds of things. And to know that I will continue to do all the things that normal moms do, like take their kid to vacation bible school, go to playdates, go to the movies, enroll them in school - all these are done with this stupid cancer thing laying on top of it. I'm so fortunate, in so many ways, that my girls are the ages they are - that they are so completely unaffected by this for the reason of their sheer innocence, but then I get angry that it's robbed me of being a normal mom and being able to just focus on them through this period of their development. It really pisses me off.

So that lead me to think, maybe I need to focus on them more - and not ignore my cancer, that would be utterly impossible, but stop treating it as if it is the ONLY important thing going on right now - because for my kids, it's not the most important thing to them. Madeline wants to talk about the new movie I bought her, Corpse Bride, and that seems to be really important to her right now. Ginger likes to watch my face as she scoots back to sit down on our fireplace, because she knows she's not supposed to do that, that seems to be really important to her right now. I feel my children have more to teach me, and maybe I need to start paying attention a little more. That doesn't mean giving up my fight, it means continuing to live through the fight. I don't this cancer to rob me of anymore than it already is, if that makes any sense. As much as it is the focus of anyone who sees me, it doesn't need to be MY focus everyday. I wake up, pray to the Lord above to continue fighting this thing w/ me hand in hand, and then set out for my day with the fight and purpose I had before, just better focused now.

This may sound like babbling tonight, it kinda feels like it. I am tired, and we have treatment tomorrow - just the one drug, Taxol, which is good. Hopefully we won't be as long as before, we certainly shouldn't be. So tonight, in the words of Lynn Eib, who continually speaks to me in ways I cannot describe:

Lord, I pray that You will give me a cheerful heart, in spite of all that still is ahead for me. I know I don't have to smile and pretend I'm happy and that everything is alright. But I do want to feel Your quiet joy in me and even hear laughter from my lips. I want to remember that there is life after, and even with cancer.

Wish me luck tomorrow - one more down, one less to go!!! Game On!!