My Fight To Be - Unremarkable.

I've just been so tired lately, I can't get it together at night. I was asleep on the couch at 10pm last night, PJ had to wake me up and put me to bed. Now, the coffee cannot brew fast enough - I like getting up early before everyone else and listen to the birds outside and blog - maybe this is my new routine?

Church was awesome, as always yesterday. The message was about God's work in our lives, in like, The Butterfly Effect kind of way. How something so small, can effect our lives in HUGE ways. I had many of these running through my mind. PJ and I were talking about it on the way home, and he really came up with the big one. My decision, way back in 2002 - to spend Thanksgiving with my father in Dewey. Prior to that, I had NEVER spent a holiday with my father, or intentionally made plans to do so - and that was the year PJ decided to go with his friend (Brian, my step brother) to Dewey as well to spend Thanksgiving. If we hadn't made those small little decisions, we wouldn't be where we are today - and look at all the things that have come to be simply because of us spending that holiday together - incredible. I can't imagine my life without PJ - our girls, our love, our home our everything. And, I coudln't imagine going through this w/o him - I certainly would not be able to be at strong as I am - PJ is such a source of strength for me - he has always been my best friend, but this experience, if it is even possible, has made us even better friends. I am so very blessed.

My hair is continuing to come out in my hands, I literally run my fingers through it and a small handful comes out. I showed PJ finally last night what it was like - he was mystified. I guess, we both decided, that this at least means the chemo is working - doing what it is supposed to be doing. It's so vain of me to be so wierded out by this, but I am. Funny, I flop back and forth between not caring to obsessing about it. I guess that's normal. Don't know, never have dealt with this before. And, also, they said I would get these mouth sores, and well, they have started full force. This makes eating not so pleasant either, as you can imagine. They are really like kanker (sp? cuz w/ a 'c' would be cancer - ironic?) sores in my mouth - uncomfortable and I feel the need to drink something all the time. Guess it's time to call the pharmacist for the 'miralcle mouthwash' they can concoct for cancer patients - just really didn't want to do another 'cancer patient' thing, I hate calling myself that. Arg.

So- the reason for the title of this mornings blog, is something I've been meaning to talk about for awhile. Way back when I had the mamogram that ended up diagnosing my breast cancer, I was struck with some of the wording used in the report. The report went on and on, paragraph after paragraph, about my right breast, the mass, the size, the 'highly suspicious' of 'malignancy', the other 'lesion areas', and so on and so on. Then, at the very end, it simply said of my left breast the following:

'The left breast is unremarkable.'

Unremarkable. Hmmpf. Now isn't that ironic? Throughout this life, we strive to make ourselves known by trying desperately to find our places in this big world, to make a difference, to be all the things that our family, friends and loved ones need us to be. Then finally trying to figure out who we are - yet, all I am really left with now, all I really need to be - is unremarkable. I find myself oddly content and satisfied with this word. It is now my new favorite word. All I need to be in this life, is Dina - wife to PJ, mommy to Madeline and Ginger. Trust me, I was an actor for a long time, and put a lot of pressure on myself to 'make it big!' and ya know, I already have. And, fortunately, I didn't need to have cancer to figure this out - I had figured it out beforehand, but cancer certainly clarified and fine tuned it for me. This life, this life of beautiful family, caring friends, such good friends, and wondrous community - is all anyone could ask for in this life. Really unremarkable, thank God. I'd like more of that please, to go.