I Look Like a Lesbian Buzzard. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Seriously. And when I put on make-up, I look like Victor Victoria. After the reveal. (not quite as glamorous as Julie Andrews but you get the picture).

Let me apologize real quick for not posting last night, I was writing a sketch for a friend of mine and finished late, got tired and went to bed. My mother told me this afternoon she was worried when she didn't see a post, I don't want to worry anyone. My apologies.

Anyway, back to my buzzard hair cut, this is just really hard to get used to is all. I pass by a mirror and I expect to see what I've always seen, and I don't. It reminds me of the story Keiffer Sutherland told - he said that when he went to the screening of The Lost Boys and was mortified by his performance. He said that he felt that film, although his breakout film, was one of his best, until he watched himself. He said that the work he did FELT right, but LOOKED wrong. So he decided then that he would never watch himself again, and even took all the mirrors out of his house. I feel great, but then see myself, and then not so great. So maybe, I'll put my makeup on, make sure my scarf isn't on backwards, then just be on my way. Not look in the mirror anymore. Just base my mood off how I feel, rather than how I look. Hmmmm. Quite a concept. Oh, then this happens - I was so worried what Madeline would say when she woke up and saw me with my shaved head. And you know what? She didn't say anything - not a word. She just hugged me. All she sees is her mommy. Wow - what she has to teach me. What she has to teach all of us, the feeling of her just hugging me like it was any other morning, giving me kisses and telling me she loved me - it is a feeling I cannot describe. She saw only me. To be able to experience something like this is amazing. Later that evening, while we were having dinner, she finally looked at me, then looked at PJ, looked at me again and said "Hey - you guys match!" Hilarious. Ginger, she really just likes to look at my scarves I wear. She thinks those are pretty neat. I need to figure out how to wear these scarves without feeling claustrophobic - I've never really been a 'hat' person - guess I better suck it up, eh? I'm certainly not ready to go commando either.

I've felt real good the past 2 days, it's been nice. Which is good too because I've been able to really digest this hair thing on its own - all by itself without experiencing any other side effects. But, that last treatment (the 3rd in the cycle) really kicked my ass. I was down from Friday through Monday - it was pretty horrible. So - now I know. Well, sort of - I start a new drug next week - hopefully I won't have any reactions and I won't feel any real difference. We can hope. Right?

I had a playdate yesterday, a playdate today, and another one tomorrow. I almost feel like a normal mommy. I really love being Madeline and Ginger's mommy. It is the best job in the world. I am so very blessed for my family, my children, my dear friends, my life. I want to end with another installment from my daily devotional, because it is so appropriate to what has happened the past couple of days, it's really freaky. Now that my head is shaved, it just invites the conversation of me having breast cancer. People randomly just approach me anyway, now, there's a whole slew approaching me. Everyone has their advice, everyone has their remedy - and this is what my devotional said today:

"I remember when my oncologist told me I had about a 50-50 chance of surviving colon cancer. I desperately wanted some kind of guarantee that I would be OK. But that was impossible. Plenty of people offered me other 'guarantees':

Eat natural foods, they will cure you
Drink a certain tea, that will cure you
Take certain vitamin supplements, they will cure you.

But I am at heart a skeptical former newspaper reported. I knew there was no way all these methods could deliver what they were promising. I wanted to believe that one of these really was the answer, but which one was it? What if I picked the wrong one? And then I remembered: 'Some trust in chariots (food and drink) and some in horses (vitamins and herbs), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God' (Psalm 20:7)
It wasn't which had an ironclad guarantee; it was Who. My diagnosis, my treatment, my prognosis.....and my future were in His hands. I has His guaranteed promise that when I put my hope in Him, I would not be disappointed."

Lynn Eib
Author

So I move onto the next phase, learning to base my life off 'feeling' more than 'looking', trusting Him, and praying for the strength to do just that.