Bald is the New Black

Well, we went to the Relay for Life yesterday, and even though we were small in team numbers, we were large in spirit. It was so nice to be there - and I did have mixed feelings about this. We left Ginger home w/ Nancy (my continual God sent angel) and PJ, Madeline and I went yesterday afternoon and left in the evening. We weren't able to stay through the night (I got soooo tired) but I am, glad we went. I wasn't really sure I was able to go and be a cancer patient fighting this thing in front on a lot of people. I mean, up until this point, I've been able to pretty much control who I surrounded myself with and who I let 'in' so to speak to this little new world of ours. This was awkward, I'm not going to lie, I felt like a sick cancer patient walking around. I need to realize it's important to work through this feeling and come through on the other end fighting. I'm not 'defeated' by any means, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just feel like I look pitiful to others. It infuriates me to see pity in people's eyes when they look at me - because I can't control what they are seeing. Truth is, I never could - I fool myself into thinking I was in control of this before. Funny, this is just another frightening reflection on our constant obsession with what others think of us, it continues to amaze me. So, I'm working through this feeling, and continue to pray through it a lot. I am slowly coming to a private peaceful place with this disease, a place of acceptance and it's not coming easily, but I feel it creeping in. A peaceful place for me to be to fight this. One that is hard to explain, but very easy to feel. He brings this to me in small doses, so as to not overwhelm me I think. PJ saw it while he was shaving my head the other night, he asked me if I was OK and I said 'yes, why?' and he said 'I don't know, I just feel this overwhelming sense of peace from you right now'. He is right. It has started.

My Avastin side effects have come into full swing, I get spontaneous nose bleeds, but they seem to only happen in the morning when I wake up, so again, manageable. Just need to keep tissues around me when I'm out just in case. This drug stops the blood flow to fast dividing cells, so I guess the blood has to go somewhere, right? Still yukky, but manageable.

Here are some pics from last night. I need to thank Jennifer and her boys, Amy, Jeannie and her mom and Kylie for forming this team for me. It was an important night for me on many levels, and I was so proud to walk for the cause. Thank you to all who donated to the American Cancer Society - they are doing such wonderful things. It's all about the fight now, so in the words if Bono, Walk On.