Tiny Little Cheeseburgers

I think I pushed myself too much today. It's funny, I like to think I'm just like everyone else, and I plow along today thinking that I am - then I catch glimpses of myself in the rearview mirror and see that HELLO! I'm BALD! Duh Dina, it's the Friday after your Wed treatment and you always feel like shit on this day. Not the smartest idea to act like you were just fine. Also, I don't think that I should be driving on Fridays, not because I can't - but because I drove around all day today (with Nancy thank you God who totally would have said something if she thought I was delusioned or something), but looking back at my day now, I have no recollection of driving anywhere. Not Good. So - Fri driving is off for me. Drats!

It was Madeline's last day of VBS today and she just had a blast. I wanted to just be there to drop her off and pick her up - it was so cool. Next year I am totally volunteering to help because I feel like I really missed out this year on being a part of this. Then they had a huge picnic thing this evening for all the kids and showed a video of their week and had bounce houses - it was so neat to go and be a part of this community in this manner. I felt horrible but it was well worth it. I'm so glad we live here.

We have a busy weekend this weekend, so my husband is anxiously urging me right now to go to bed. He has taken to giving me Tylenol PM early this evening, trying to get me to bed - for all the wrong reasons unfortunately. I've just been feeling 'off' today, and as disgusting as this may be - I want to paint this stupid cancer picture as clearly as possible for all of you - another wonderful side effect coming into full light is, let's just say, not being as 'regular' as you usually are. This is most painful, in many ways. I cannot and will not describe any further, just know it's awful and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Arg.

Ya know, I look at the pictures of me and my family now, before all this started - and I remember thinking such sad thoughts - like everything I knew that was good and real and genuine was now gone - spoiled by this cancer. Now, within this short time of my treatments, I have come to know quite the opposite. I have come to know more good, more real and more genuineness in people - in myself - in my family. It's like my whole world was just raised up a couple notches - does that make sense? Pastor Mary told me a story of a woman who was ill w/ cancer and would look at pictures of herself before she was sick and tell herself she was going to be that woman again. This story is significant to me because I was NOT looking at pictures of myself that way - I was looking at them with regret and sadness of what I had lost. Not now. In fact, I look at them and feel I have evolved, that my whole family has evolved through this to a higher point of human understanding - a place of grace. It's peaceful, and wonderful, and I never imagined I would feel this way, ever. Our new normal, of bald mommy feeding Ginger her dinner, and her running her hand across my stubbly head and giggling - then all of us giggling at the dinner table. I never would have imagined this is the way we would handle this. I am so very blessed that this is how we're doing this. I know no better way to say it.

With that I bid you goodnight, I am sleepy and am going to turn on the weather channel. It's the best way to fall asleep - seriously. Ahoy mateys. ;-)