Who's In Control Here - Really?

Today was just about like any other day. Sprinkled with subtle reminders of my breast cancer, but almost like any other day. I had signed us up for the kids summer movies at the Harkins in Prescott Valley - so Madeline and I went to the movies this morning to see Horton Hears a Who. Very sweet movie and so much fun to go w/ Madeline - a real mom and daughter day at the movies. I was not in the mood to wear a wig today, so my experience was 'sprinkled' with looks from people staring at me in my scarf, but, that's ok. To me, I was still one of the moms there with my kid to watch a movie, eat popcorn (even though I couldn't taste it) and sip my diet coke (thank you GOD I can still taste this!). We had a great time. We ran into one of her little friends from school - it was so cute to watch them hold hands and run into the theater. So sweet.

I am finding myself connecting with my kids in a deeper manner than before. I know this is because I am so tuned in to the way they see me. And I can't even say "the way they see me NOW" - because it's the way they've always seen me, it's the way I understand it NOW - crazy huh? It is such a remarkable feeling. My little Ginger is such a little mama's girl too - much more than Madeline was, and I think a part of me was a little afraid this would change when my looks began to change (again, society and what it has ingrained in me as acceptable human behavior). She still wants her mommy, and only her mommy and I love it. My kids fight over who mom is going to hold first, and I love it. I'll take this fight all day long. Tonight, Madeline asked if my hair had all fallen out yet as she peeked under my scarf. I said no and she asked me to take off my scarf, so I did. She looked at me and said "just leave it off mom, don't put the scarf back on". She is my little angel.

I do find however, my need for prayer becoming more consistent. My conversations with God are continuous throughout my day. (Sidenote - I have Singing In The Rain playing on the TV in the background right now, and it just fills my heart, I love this film) Anyway, my conversations w/ God are becoming very consistent, and very - well, pointed. I always thank God first, in every conversation I have with him, I thank him first for all I have, for my beautiful family and wonderful friends and so many blessings - and ask him to help those who don't have these things in their lives because I can't imagine going through life, much less breast cancer, without these people in my life. I can't even imagine. Then, I've just gotten a little dark in my conversations with him, and I don't know why. I truly feel in my heart that I will beat this - that this is the path I was supposed to walk down, and I will beat this. But then I find myself asking why again, and I really hate going to this place. Trying to pinpoint the moment I got cancer and this kind of thinking is just not helpful for me - I know this, but I can't help it. I know I need to be concentrating on God's love and healing. But I consistently battle with what I think I can control, and who is really in control. To be honest, as I type this, I think I did this BEFORE I had cancer too - about other things, about everything.

Then, I read my devotional for today, and here's what it says (a portion of a prayer):

I thank You, in faith, that You will make my way perfect, that You desire to do that for me. I confess I often try to make my own way or even think my way is more perfect. Forgive me for this. I praise You for Your cleansing and forgiveness through Jesus Christ.
Father, You are my sovereign Lord. I know that all things come through Your hands. You allow things in my life for a greater purpose than I often understand. I thank You for Your promise that You will work all things together for good. You are in the process of molding me and making me more Christlike. As I go through this process, I know You will get me to where I need to be. Thank you for making my way perfect.

Susan Sorenson


OK? Heeellllloooooo!!!! Wha? Could this be more appropriate???? So scary sometimes. I think I was headed in the right direction of always thanking first, I just need to keep thanking, thanking Him for getting me where I need to be and trusting Him to continue to do so. That's the hard word for me, trust - I'm such a frickin control freak - I can't help it. But, if I really think about it - I can't control this, only He can. As much as I think I can, I just can't. He is the little voice inside me that is always right, always saying the right things, always warning me when something is wrong. He is the source of my strength, therefore, He is the one I must trust.

This seems to be a work in progress for me - which I hope doesn't count against me - cuz I'm getting better at it!