Another Mountcastle Sunday

Woke up feeling pretty good actually - however, I slept horribly. I couldn't sleep actually, not well at all. Not really sure why, just couldn't sleep - and trust me - I rarely have this problem. This must be another side effect. So I was eager to actually have to get up and out of bed this morning and we were up and out to church. Church was really great this morning - one of those mornings full of strange distractions, but overall really great. We stopped my Target on the way home and all seemed fine w/ us. PJ needed to go to my Dad's place to work on their computer, so he decided to take Madeline w/ him - she loves hanging out at my dad's ranch. I was busily working here at home while Ginger napped purging out the girls winter clothes and merging in the summer. PJ got home w/ Madeline and she was literally beet red - I asked if she had just been outside, but she was very lethargic as well. We waited a bit to see if it was just the weather but we couldn't get her to cool off. I put her in a cool water bath (which is just awful for them but this has worked in the past) and then held her for awhile - temp was again starting to rise. So - you guessed it - after I took her temp a couple times and it fluctuated between 101 and 104 - PJ took her to the emergency room. (she said her throat hurt too - of course I'm thinking strep) I wish I could have gone, but I really shouldn't be around an emergency room right now. Fortunately, she did not have step - but did come in with a 103.5 temp which they treated and watched till it broke, now we have her back on antibiotics. Can you believe this? I didn't even call anyone because this is just the norm for us now it seems. This is what must instill the 'calm' in mothers I always wondered about. She is fine now, in bed and medicated. Poor thing.

Needless to say, I've gone through a gamut of emotions today - for one reason or another. An extreme high from church, to a gradual low this evening. I called a family member earlier today and was greeted with the following when I said it was me on the phone " Have you lost your hair yet?" I continue to be speechless at times like these - I realize in the big scheme of things that my hair is the LEAST of my worries, but I am still having such a hard time coming to terms with losing it. This comment just resonated badly with me. Then another earlier this weekend I mentioned a gym I was thinking of going to through chemo and was told "a lot of cancer patients go to that gym!" Excuse me? I still feel like Dina, but I feel like I'm starting to be treated like a cancer patient. Then, this evening, while having dinner - my husband says in response to the comments above I was sharing with him "Life will never be the same for us, never." Now, I think I understand what he meant, but I was just sent into such a guilt I cannot explain. I excused myself from the table, went to the bathroom and just cried. Just cried and cried. I prayed to God and was apologizing - apologizing - I know how stupid this sounds, but I feel so responsible for this illness by what it is doing to my husband. This is NOT what he signed up for, and deserves so much more. I feel so - bad. I don't know how else to say it - I am the type of person that will take responsibility for the bad weather if I can - so someone saying 'don't feel that way, it's not your fault' doesn't just make the feeling disappear for me. The feeling is real, very real. I prayed hard, that God will help me work through this feeling and help me find some peace in this. I'm just so sad to be such a burden. Dina is not a burden on anyone - and I really feel like I am today. Like people (some, not all I realize) aren't seeing me anymore, they see the cancer I have - and that just confuses me and makes me sad and pisses me off.

I still have these red freckle things on my feet and shins, and my throat is sore this evening, and I feel what feels like 'dry spots' in my mouth. They don't hurt, they just keep making me think I have some piece of food stuck in there or something. More annoying than anything else.

I'm going to turn in early tonight, and despite my better judgement, I'm going to take a vicodin so I'm sure to sleep through the night. PJ has to work tomorrow so it's pretty important I get enough sleep.

Guess I needed to vent this out - I don't have some smart quip to end this with, or some strong victory emotion that I've realized to make me sound all centered and together. Maybe I'll get that tomorrow. Then again, tomorrow is another day. The most I can do is pray for this - pray to work through it, not deny it, not hide it, not ignore it - work through it. With God's help, I'll come out on the other end of this a stronger, better person, wife, mother and child of Christ.