That Darned Elizabeth Edwards!!!!

I have to say that today was probably the best day I've had in a long time. I woke up this morning to a smiling Ginger (she was in our bed with me this time, PJ was in Madeline's bed) and really kicked myself in the rear and got things going the way I used to get the house going in the morning. It felt great! PJ and I went to Sedona to have my EKG repeated, then came home - and Nancy and I went out and I got myself a wig. I know, I said I wasn't going to do this, but I wanted one just in case I wanted to do this. I figured, if I didn't get one, and found that I suddenly wanted one - I should get it now rather than go looking for one in some kind of desperate mode. In any case, it is pretty, very close to my new short hair cut - and it will feel really weird when and if I decide to wear it.

Then, I came home and the girls and I played out in the sprinklers in the yard and had a great time. It was fun.

We started our normal evening routine of baths and whatnot, and we watch Brian Williams nightly news (or listen rather to him as background noise) and he played a clip of the Elizabeth Edwards interview w/ Matt Lauer this morning. Now, I didn't see the entire interview, I simply saw the portion Brian Williams played this evening. But, the part I saw showed her explaining that her breast cancer had now spread to her leg, she didn't know what bone that was called, and that her team of doctors were really playing it day by day. Then Matt Lauer asked her if she was preparing her children in any sort of way, and she explained that she was trying to do everything she could to instill memories of her with her children. Hmmmmmmmm............

This really pisses me off here - and I'll tell you why. First of all, the bone in your leg is called the femur - why you wouldn't want to know that is beyond me. Also, there was such a sense of 'giving up' in her demeanor, I was suddenly stricken and saddened by this display - and scared to tell you the honest truth! I realize my husband hasn't cheated on me, publicly or otherwise, so maybe her sense of despair has some true origins here, but as a person full of hope with stage IV breast cancer, to see someone in the public eye who basically took it upon herself to represent this disease in the advanced stage seem to 'give up' on it - really pisses me off. Now my entire evening has been full of fear again, darkness, and I'm just now starting to pull myself out of it. ARG! Shame on you Elizabeth - pull yourself up by you bootstraps and move forward and fight this thing! You're living right now, make a difference and show some hope and promise.

Ok, sorry about that. Not really, I needed to get that off my chest. It's just I hate this roller coaster of emotions I go through with this thing, I really hate it. o high one minute and so low the next - one single thing can boost me up or drop me to the ground. What is the answer here?

Changing the subject now - the clinical trial drug has been chosen for me and it is..... (drum roll please) Sutent!! Now I will take Taxol (this is the chemo drug) once a week for three weeks then a week off and a daily pill called Sutent (this clinical drug attacks the cancer from the protein side). I prayed about this after my ekg - to please just put me on the regimen to kick this thing - I didn't really care which drug I got, just as long as it works - but I guess I'm a little happy it's the sutent as it is a pill, the other was an injection. So one less injection for me. Yipee!

I think I need to go cuddle with my husband now - need to get over this funk mood of mine. Can't seem to shake it off - if I keep typing I think I'll just start swearing even more.

Mucho love to all and thank you again for your prayers. Tomorrow is another day - thank God.