Time for my Captain Stubing.

Happy Memorial Day to all. I hope you spent your day enjoying your family or each other or both and took the time to thank those who gave their lives and continue to lay their lives on the line for us to have all these wonderful freedoms we enjoy. God Bless America. (especially now considering this whole N Korea thing, wha???)

Anyway - today was lovely up here in Northern Arizona. Absolutely beautiful. My husband took Madeline to her first summer movie - dad and daughter movie time, which was precious. My friend Judy and her kids + 1 came over afterwards and our lawn was filled with kids in swimming suits running through sprinklers - which reminds me of the line a wonderful comic I knew way back when named Becky Pedigo said "when there's girls and there's grass, there's gonna be a cartwheel". Ain't that the truth? I tried to do a cartwheel a little while back - it was the biggest mistake ever. As a warning to those who think 'I know how to do that, that's easy! I used to do them all the time!' - please know this - unless you work out a LOT and it's been less than 3 years since you did one - don't. I felt like my arms were going to snap in half - ladies and the whole upper body strength thing - NOT A GOOD IDEA.

This evening we had grilled kilbasa which was delish - and it all just felt like a normal, family holiday. Then when I went in to shower this evening, my hand pulled up a palm full of hair while washing it. My heart just sank. I think, in my infinite denial, I was quietly hoping I would be the one that wouldn't lose my hair. But I bet everyone thinks that. The funny thing is, is my hair has kinda hurt the past few days - the feeling when you pull out a ponytail that has been in all day, or if you've worn a hat all day - that's the feeling I've been having. Now this. I knew this was coming, I just didn't know how it would feel. I just want to make sure my girls are OK with this - I want to make sure I don't scare them. I hope I don't.

I think I've decided to get through this week (Madeline's last day of school) and then I'll have PJ shave my head next weekend. I don't think I want to taint Madeline's last day of school with my being bald and trying to deal with that. Plus, I'd like my privacy about it too I suppose. I'm nervous, scared - and then feel guilty about feeling these things because in the big scheme of things this is really not important. My life is important, it's just hair - who cares? I care - it matters to me as a woman, it just does. I can't help it. I was telling Jennifer this evening that to be honest, I wasn't reallly fond of my hair at this time anyway, but it's mine - and it's something else this stupid disease is robbing me of. Then I just get pissed. I've felt like I've made such huge strides in the right direction, then this happens and I feel like I take 10 huge steps back. And I cry - and cry - and cry. And my husband holds me and tells me how beautiful I am and nothing will change that, and I am so sorry he has to do this with me. He tells me my girls love their mommy and it doesn't matter what I look like - all they know is loving me. I love him so much. I'm so very thankful that he is here in my life. God knew what he was doing when he put us in each others pathways years ago - boy did he get it right for me.

So I guess tomorrow I'll go see Mary Jo at the Wigwam and pick up my Captain Stubing. Didn't think I'd really need it - but sometimes being the Queen of Denial comes with it's moments of clarity. ;-)