Nosferatu?

We ran errands today, and I got a little sick while we were out - but I think I just needed to eat - cuz after I ate some lunch I felt a bit better. It's frustrating, because my appetite is nothing like it used to be - I don't get 'hungry' really anymore. I just know I need to eat because my body starts feeling bad, if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be finally getting this baby weight off - just a real shitty way for it to happen is all, don't cha think? We as moms of young ones know too - when we feel bad and we're out somewhere - we need to just plow through it till we get home, we really have no choice. We were all together today, but PJ and Madeline went in one direction for a bit and Ginger and I in another - and I was suddenly dealing with a physical state I wasn't accustomed to, and it was a little scary. All is fine, it was just a bit scary is all - and to be out in public too (at the mall, how cliche).

As I make my way through malls and Sam's Club full of people, I'm so much more aware of how I treat people. I was always the type to make conversation with everyone and anyone before my diagnosis - and I'm still doing this now. It's just a more genuine type of conversation. I thought I could get people to talk before - BOY do they talk now! And it's so interesting to hear what people have to say. I wonder if I will be able to have the same effect on people and conversation when my hair falls out - I'm really curious to see how people react to me. I hope it doesn't effect my way of being around people - I hope by me just saying this will make me aware enough to stay true and not slide into an insecure state of mind. Although, I'm sure that is very common. As long as I have the silly 'I lost my hair' pity party, then get over it and move on, I'll be just fine. But I think I'll deserve a little pity party. Usually those last for about the time of a good cry, then I'm good to go. Again, I seem to feel everything the moment I feel it - not one to hold things in anymore. Especially now.


On our errands today, we went to the WigWam up here (I know), where my new good friend Mary Jo called me to come in and check out some new scarves she just got in. She tells me she's going to make me what we call a 'Captain Stubbing' which is like a hair hula skirt for your head - you wear it with scarves and hats to make it look like you have hair underneath - without wearing a full wig cuz that would be too hot. Cool eh? She came out with a wig from the back and told me she was going to make one for me. She's just lovely. Then Madeline wanted to dye her hair pink, so we compromised by going to Sally's Beauty and getting her pink clip on hair. Whala! She's happy and I'm the coolest mom. I start looking at hair dryers - which I finally ask myself, 'why are you looking at hair dryers?' - then PJ asks if I need to get anymore detangler. I just look at him - and he says he's sorry. We both giggle.

I have heard people say to me recently 'you sound really good with this!'. And I do - most of the time. My good days lately have CLEARLY outweighed my bad days lately - which I am very thankful for. I am continually renewed in His spirit, because without Him, I could not make it through this journey. I am learning to trust and turn to him more frequently - and it is so hard!!!! I still battle with the need to do this on my own, and I am reminded in so many ways that I do not have to. So when I hear people say "you sound good" or "you're doing really well" I've started to hear it differently "we sound good" and "we're doing really well". He's totally got my back in this, I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Some friends we haven't seen in years are coming up to visit us tomorrow, which I'm thrilled about. (another blessing this cancer has brought us, reunited friends) So we're excited to meet them after church and spend some good time catching up. Travis is a friend of mine I have known for years, we used to do improvisational comedy together and this tiny bakery in Phx years ago. I told him he needed to get up here quick before my hair fell out so I wouldn't scare his little boy. (i'm kidding here) See - there's a wierd part of me that thinks I'm going to look like Nosferatu when my hair falls out. I don't know why, but that is just what I keep picturing. My husband continues to reasure me, 'No Dina, you are not going to look like Nosferatu". I love my husband.