French Fries - I always want french fries.

Went to lunch today as a surprise w/ my girlfriend Jennifer and when she asked me what I was hungry for - I said french fries. I'd like to blame this on the 'chemo' but I really can't. I think I always will eat french fries - with ketchup. Yum. So she and Ginger and I went to Whataburger for lunch today while my car was being fixed and had a lovely time. I kept Madeline home again today for safe keeping, make sure she gets a couple full days on these antibiotics. She's doing better today - only one spike of a fever. Think we're on the homestretch. Thank you Lord.

I am changing. I am changing rapidly. Not growing third arm or anything like that - changing inside. I've noticed this about myself the last couple of days. I'm kinder, I smile more - and I mean, to EVERYONE, I am way more patient, I love deeper. I look at people and realize I don't know what's going on with them or know anything abou them - so I just smile. Sad it had to be cancer to give me all of these things, but in a weird way, cancer is making me a better person. It has already taught me so much, and my journey, really, has just begun. It has taught me humility, the human spirit and how much that spirit and prayer can actually change the way I feel. It does just that - changes me. It is absolutely amazing. Jennifer and I spoke today about surrounding myself with what makes me feel good - and I have to say, the past couple of days I have physically felt the difference between surrounding myself with things that make me feel good, and surrounding myself with things that make me feel bad. It is so strange. I wish I could give you an example to explain this in a clearer form, but I just can't think of one. I guess I'm consciously seeking out the good, when before, I never really cared, I took whatever was coming at me and dealt with it. Like I've learned some new, secret power. Does that make sense? I must share with you a section from a devotional I'm reading written by women who have gone through what I am going through, and designed for each day of chemotherapy. It was sent to me by one of my wonderful sisters on the Advanced Breast Cancer site I am a member of, and I have to say - this book has already spoken to me more than anything I've read thus far. The book is Praying Through Cancer - Set Your Heart Free From Fear.

"I was riding an emotional roller coaster, and it wasn't pleasant. Every day, it seemed I would talk to someone else who had been through cancer. Some stories lifted my spirits. Others lowered me to despair. My ability to empathize is a bit too good. Emotionally, I was becoming the person I had talked with last!"

This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling, until recently. It was so comforting to finally read what I was feeling put into words.

My journey continues tomorrow, and I would be lying if I didn't say I had a little anxiety about it. I don't want to have the reaction I had last week - I just need to pray I can remain strong enough to not 'will' my way into another reaction. I can will my way in the other direction.

Thank you for reading this by the way - I don't think I've said thank you. This blog helps me in so many ways - it helps me sleep at night. Thank you for your continued prayers and wonderful thoughts. They help, they really, really help. I have blood work at 9:30am and treatment at 10:15. Check in w/ you all tomorrow - after I have some french fries of course - after all, it's the chemo - the chemo makes me do it!!!! ;-)